Saturday, August 26, 2006

We’re Baaaaaack!

Yes, you read that right, chicken heads -- thanks to my computer-savvy neighbor, The Squirrel-Slinging Firefighter, my computer and I are back, bitchin’ and misbehavin’, and we’re as happy as any reunited inanimate object and its mistress can be! So hang on to your beaks, folks, because I’ve got some cool stuff coming your way, including a most excellent book giveaway -- stay tuned for details!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

#4 in My Series of "Incredibly Bad Poetry by Celebrities or Fictional Characters"

She Weeps the Body Electric

By Ms. Lori’s Computer

‘Twas August 12th, an evening otherwise mundane
When my mistress killed me, then went completely and utterly insane
Though not of her own volition, it was her crackling fingers of doom
That short-circuited my wiring and made my motherboard go boom

She weeps the body electric, man
She cries over lost information
She weeps the body electric, man
And there’s nothing I can do

I was but a young pup, purchased July of last year
And she filled me with AV-ware and firewalls -- I had nothing to fear
Yet as is the norm, her preternatural ability to inadvertently destroy PCs
Could not be controlled, like a block of spoiling cheese

She weeps the body electric, man
She mourns for the days of yore
She weeps the body electric, man
And she's creepy, dude, it’s true

So until I am waked from this suspended animation
And Ms. Lori returns from the Land of Damnation
Talk amongst yourselves --

mike myers is god. discuss.

-- Talk amongst yourselves and be aware
That we shall return, someday, sometime, somewhere...

Friday, August 11, 2006

#3 In My Series of “Incredibly Bad Poetry by Celebrities or Fictional Characters”

My Lumps

By Hillary Clinton’s Bust

Gaze upon mine curiously smooth breasts
And wonder, aloud if need be
What the hell my Creator was thinking
When he chipped and hammered and
Banged me to life
With chisel, with big, gnarly hands

stony silence

Dear God, do you not hear me scream? Listen!
Marble heart breaking, tears of pebble plonking
Down my unnaturally aged face
I am a rock
I am an island
I enjoy Simon and Garfunkel

rocky mountains sigh

Lo! The horrors of my existence
As I waste upon this pedestal, eyes wide
And endure the gawks of guffawing Republicans
The leering sneer of Pat Robertson
Wake me from this nightmare, Bill
I have stopped thinking about tomorrow

Monday, August 07, 2006

Fun-Filled Facts About My Weekend

1) The Ghost Hunt that I was supposed to attend on Saturday is postponed until September 30.

2) So Lar and I went to a party instead.

3) I met one of the most interesting and adorable human beings ever.

4) He has piercing ice-blue eyes and, due to a near-fatal car accident in his twenties, a dent in his head big enough to fit a small woman’s fist.

You may be wondering how it is that I know a small woman's fist would fit in his head-dent. Aw, c'mon, sure you are. Well, the man actually grabbed my hand while we were conversing on a completely different subject, which, naturally, startled me a bit, and proceeded to plunge it into the head-dent while shrieking, "Feel the dent! Feel it!" It was an awesome experience.

5) I love his wife, too. So I think I’ll adopt them.

6) A six-year-old girl, with whom I’d just become acquainted, asked me my name. I told her, and she said, “I wish my last name was Young.”

“Really?“ I said, “why is that, honey?”

“Well, because I’m young, so Young would be a good name for me!”

I nodded and said, “Ah, of course. Perfectly good name like that wasted on old, old me…”

“Oh, but you’re a young old person, so it’s okay!”

7) I ate approximately 4.2 lbs of ham yesterday. And a bucket of cheddar cheese mashed potatoes. A bushel of salad. A half gallon of chocolate almond ice cream. And that’s after consuming a pile of shit on a shingle (for lunch), with a lovely fried egg sandwich as a chaser.

8) Jesus help me, I forgot to include the kids’ bridge mix I stole out of the cupboard. I ate every last chocolate-covered morsel.

9) Even after all of that abnormal chowing, it wasn’t until I felt like elbowing Lar in his thyroid gland, just for making one of his usual bad pun/jokes, that I realized I’m currently in the throes of raging PMS.

10) I watched the season premiere of ”Flavor of Love” last night (my very guilty pleasure). One of the skanky hos pooped her pants during the elimination round. Flavor Flav almost vomited.

Wow. I just realized the irony of a skank pooping her pants during the elimination round.

94) I’m not feeling my best this morning.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Pictures Depicting Me, a Miniskirt, Lar, and a Big Cigar

My daughter snapped this -- she's all thumbs, as you can see...

(Click to enlarge the Hasselhoff.)

Now, I snapped this one, and I do believe that I captured the true essence of Lar and his Hasselhoff.

(Click to enlarge Lar's Hasselhoff.)

This is especially for my sweet Alice. My nose-picking was aimed at my neighbor, the lovely Bambi-Jo. Note the concentration on my face. Also, if you look very closely at this photo, you may be able to see boob-sweat.