Thursday, April 20, 2006

Hangover + PMS + Muddy Floors + Loud Children = Hate

Yesterday was absolutely beautiful. Lar and I had a barbeque with my brother, Rob, and my neighbors, The Squirrel-Slinging Fireman and his lovely wife, Bambi-Jo (not their real names). We indulged in many beers, many hot dogs, and inexplicably crunchy cheeseburgers, which, if I'd been sober, would have been totally humiliating. Rule #32 from "Ms. Lori's Handbook of Gracious Hostessing" (available at Amazon): One should never serve crunchy cheeseburgers to guests. Also from same book, Rule #45: Remove paper from cheese slices before placing them on chicken cordon bleu sandwiches, or you will forever be known as The Stupid Bitch Who Leaves Paper on Cheese Slices.

I'm not one who practices what she preaches, just ask The Squirrel-Slinging Fireman and his lovely wife, Bambi-Jo. I have broken both the above rules, as well as #14: If you spill beer on yourself while watching American Idol, do not call yourself a "big fucknose" and break down in tears of self-hatred lest your horrified guests quickly gather their belongings and mumble a hasty goodbye.

Okay, I didn't exactly break down in tears, but man, I sure was excited when Ace got the boot last night, hence my wildly flailing arms and subsequent spilt beer.

Now, my friendly friends, I must attend to this filthy, muddy, sticky-fingered house, as I'm expecting overnight guests Sunday. Rule #7 in "Ms. Lori's Handbook of Gracious Hostessing": If one is expecting overnight guests, one should vacuum, mop, srub and Windex until one's tits fall off.


At 1:41 PM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

We may be living in parallel universes, Ms. Lori. I am hungover and PMSing, too.

At 2:22 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

I hope both of you ladies will excuse me, then, if I RUN LIKE HELL (lol).

Paper and cheese bring
Freshness to patties of meat
But not in tandem

There once was an idol named Ace
Whose attitude was a disgrace
He sang in falsetto
And dressed in stilettos
While dancing in white frilly lace

(lol) Okay, so it was weak.


At 2:43 PM, Blogger Granny said...

It also helps to remove the paper from the frozen pie shells before one pours the pumpkin or Karo pecan filling in.

Embarrassing moment #3,739 (and counting)

At 2:43 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Wow, this must be the fourth or fifth blog I've run across where the author is hungover and/or PMSing! Is it like a nationwide... thing? Or perhaps I should just shut up because I'm a man and don't know what I'm talking about!

:) <-- me being quiet.

Okay, Lori! I tried to hold it together reading your story. I really did... right up until I read about the cheese slices! Remind me never to drink anything while reading your blog again.

Ah, but my girlfriend... er, I mean, contestant number 7, Katharine McPhee is still the queen! Rrrrowl. That bluesey number she did Tuesday night dropped me to my knees in weakness.


I don't know, David! I thought it was quite accurate! Great job!

At 2:47 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Hi Cupcake! I am telling you! We are Psychic Friends! So weird. This si twice now that we wrote about the same thing on the same day...first time - nature (yours was natural selection - mine about wormy). Second time today - PMS and Hangovers! twice in one month...I think we are soulmates;) Love you! -XXOOE

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, Myfanwy, is there nothing worse than that? NO, I say! Feel better, gorgeous.

David, you managed to make me laugh with that poem. No small feat today, I can assure you. Thanks for brightening my mood!

Ann, I've done the same, only mine was a chicken pie. URG!

Jas, it's apparent that *something* odd is going on this week with ladies PMSing and self-medicating with booze...I'll let you in on a little secret -- this is Drunken Bitch week, a week in which all women of the world unite and get totally hammered, but only if it's their time of the month, and proceed to make life a living hell for the significant others in our lives. ;-)

Leenie, I'm not surprised about our similar posts. We are kindred spirits, after all, and it *is* Drunken Bitch week, so...

At 4:06 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

David, just wanted to let you know that I tried posting on your journal re the ghost story, but it wouldn't take for some reason. ***cue spooky music***

I love where you're going with this, love the voice. You rock, sir.

At 7:50 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

Reminded me of a lunch at school many years ago during which I was eating a sandwich with cold cuts. I was at least halfway through when I realized I was also eating tinfoil and waxy cardboard. I told no one in the staffroom of my discovery.

At 4:51 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Yes, but that's why it's good to be drunk when these things happen; it makes it funny and at the time you tend not to care.

Tip to help with sticky house attendance: baby wipes.

Don't laugh! Really, they're good. I use them instead of dusters (polish plays havoc with my hayfever in summer) and not only do they get rid of stains more easily, they keep dust away for just that leeeetle bit longer, too.

Just a thought, anyway.

Oh, and by the way; I resent the insinuation that shoe shopping affects one's typing abilities.

...True it may well be, but still.
I resent the insinuation.


At 6:42 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...


Your post was there, Mz. Lori. I had to make it visible by replying, so maybe you got your password wrong? Who knows....anyway, thanks. Will move on with Hat Coat soon...


At 10:25 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, G-Man, your dry "delivery" coupled with your profile picture made me laugh.

Alice, you probably won't believe me, but I swear on my father's grave I did this: As soon as I read your baby wipe hint, I rushed downstairs, grabbed a baby wipe, and immediately began dusting my bookshelves (a chore I've always hated because the wood is matte, which makes for difficult dusting). MY GOD, woman! They work! They're magic! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!

David, I did put in the correct password, Must've been a glitch on my end or something...I look forward to more Hat Coat!

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Granny said...

David - I was reading at your site but became very confused trying to comment. Don't know if I succeeded but consider this a compliment on your blog (if you get back here to read it).



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