Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Sah-mokin'!

Had a meeting yesterday with my middle daughter’s teachers to discuss next year’s IEP (Individualized Education Program), as well as current progress, which turned out lovely. My girl’s doing a terrific job and has improved greatly as regards to transition, socialization, and schoolwork. She’ll no longer be needing occupational therapy, and her primary teacher told me that my daughter is one of her favorite students, and “looks forward to seeing her every day,” because she is “such a sweet girl who has a great sense of humor” and “who displays a lot of enthusiasm” and has the “most beautiful big blue eyes and brilliant smile.” She also said that my girl is a phenomenally creative writer, which is no surprise to me, but her teacher suggested I continue to encourage my girl to read her work as if she were someone else and revise accordingly -- she tends to spill everything out stream-of-consciousness-like, and often begins paragraphs in the middle of a thought or action, as if the reader knows what she is seeing in her head. Sally Lou From Kalamazoo (one of my many nicknames for her), also does that in conversation, which is amusing most times, but can be frustrating, especially when she gets frustrated by my ignorance. For example, she’ll occasionally blurt out something like, “So what should I do about that, Mom?” And I’ll say, “About what?” and she’ll reply, “Moooom! You know! The costume I have to make!” And I’ll say, “Costume? What costume?”

And on and on it goes. But she’s also one person of very few who can make me laugh to the point of tears.

She’s so awesome.

Know what else is awesome? Putting a snotty biotch in her snotty biotchy place, like I did yesterday when having a quick smoke in the practically vacant parking lot of the dentist’s office while waiting for my kids to get sealant put on their teeth (it’d been a looong day, and hadn’t had a cigarette in hours and hours). So there I was, minding my own business, enjoying the unusually warm and sunny weather with a nice smoke -- well away from the entrance doors, I might add -- when a young, slightly overweight, overly tanned lady wearing a micro-mini and tiny T-shirt that read "Porn Star" exited the dentist’s office, saw me standing there on the other side of the low ramp that leads to the sidewalk, and proceeded to wrinkle her nose and dramatically gag.

So I said, “If you think this is gross, you should see me when I shoot up heroin.”

She put her head down and, with barely-covered asscheeks wiggling in time to her bobbling braless breasts, quickly ran to her car.

18 Comments:

At 11:06 AM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Hahahahaha! You go gerlfrand! Good come back...I wish I was quick like that . I always think of the perfect thing to say after the moment has past. You're daughter sounds delightful - no doubt takes after her mother. I have a tendancy to do the same thing as your daughter - start conversations mid-way...and jump around from seemingly unconnected subject to another seeingly unconnected subject. But there is a link - just not obvious or "normal". Maybe that's why we get on so well...you already know me:) Your pal - Leenie XXOO-E
XXOO-E

 
At 11:51 AM, Blogger keef said...

you are so awesome I cannot stand it.

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Sounds like you could have just said...

"You think this is gross, don't look in any mirrors... I mean, when I said let's hang out, I didn't mean over your belt, you know? They MAKE clothes your size..."

But you were nice...you put it all on you (lol).

Great stuff about your daughter...I'm always amazed at how smart our kids are - how well they do, and how different they are in the eyes of some other people...

We used to start conversations (in my chemically altered days) and stop -- go on to something else -- then come back to the original conversation mid-sentence later to see how many brains could keep up...

D

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger Alena said...

Hahahaha... that's awesome.

 
At 1:08 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

I feel like I *do* know you, Leenie...You're a nut, just like I am. ;-) Can you imagine the trouble we'd get into if were neighbors?

Aw, Mr. Keefenheimer, the feeling is mutual! But you know that.

David, I'm so proud of my girl. She's overcome a lot, and never ceases to amaze me each and every day. The school district is fantastic, with some of the best, most compassionate, understanding teachers I've come across yet. I'll forever be grateful to them.

And what's this about your "chemically altered days"? Naughty, naughty! ;-)

Glad you like, Alena!

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

It's cool, you see. I was in the US Navy at the time, and I was Re-HAB- IL it ated....so you see, I can talk about it. I ran afoul of the ZERO TOLERANCE program during a period of transition in the Navy. At that time I estimate that the Navy TOLERATED 0 percent chemical abuse and actually HAD about 85 percent...it was bound to become a problem (lol).

I don't regret those days, they helped form the writer that I am, but I don't miss them either.

D

 
At 2:12 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

It's no wonder you're "One Whipped Mother," Ms. Lori - you're a dedicated one! Lucky girl, your daughter.

Love the "biotch" with "barely-covered asscheeks wiggling in time to her bobbling braless breasts." Wonderful imagery and alliteration. Sounds like a woman Tom DeLay would fantasize about (while porking livestock).

Time for our heroin break...

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

ROFLMAO! I LOVE that you did that! And aren't IEP's awesome? I wish every kid could have one...they made such a difference in my one son's life (and success) in school.

XO

Judi

 
At 2:57 PM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

I just started smoking again, and there's nothing like that casual comraderie between smokers.

 
At 3:02 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Your daughter's a thinker
and that's so brilliant! If she's as fast and smart as you are on the fly, she'll have noooo trouble kickin' it in this world of ours.

You're so funny, sticking your verbal tongue out at that pig-in-the-blanket. That's great!

And David's quips above are hysterical! I'm gonna use them on one of my wife's "friends" next time she comes over and has something to say to me like usual.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ah, David, my late father was a Navy man, so I know how wild & crazy you cats can get. ;-)

Well, thank you, Editor! I'm lucky to have four beautiful, *hilarious* kids. They're a bunch of darling little freaks, every single one of 'em. And don't forget to use a clean needle, okay?

Judi, they really are. I've been so pleased with the steady progress my girl has been making -- and I LOVE that she's not made to feel different or apart...I admit to feeling nervous about next year (when she enters junior high), because many kids become especially shitty and mean toward innocent, sweet, "offbeat" kids like my girl, but I'm going to think positively.

 
At 3:08 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Joshie, I'm shooting up even as I type this, brother. :-0

Jas, thanks so much. (((HUG for the hunny))) And I'm sure David will be happy to know his insults will be put to good use!

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

heeeheehee!! You make me laugh and laugh. I'm so glad your daughter is thriving (which comes as no surprise as her mother is so kick ass!).

 
At 4:24 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

R. N. Take them and be welcome. I have a million. In fact, I used to have so little control over my speech that the bike club I was a member of presented me with a small gold plated shovel...an award for digging my own hole.

Example: First wife (biker wife) says "I'm going to get a tattoo"

Others in the room ask..."Where?"

David says (without ANY thought or concern for his physical well-being) - "Right here (slapping hand in the center of her chest) on this flat spot! (lol) OUCH that hurt.


Then...later on...two of us Navy guys at a party with our wives looking at a Playboy magazine foldout of Jake Lamotta's wife, Vickie, at age 51. She was gorgeous. My buddy says:

"Gee, honey, I hope you still look that good when you're 51" (which is already dangerous)

DAVE says:

"Gee honey, I wish you looked that good now"

I guess you know how much THAT hurt too (lol).

Of course, she and I were not very compatible, and we have been divorced so long I have to sit and think to remember her name....

D

 
At 6:53 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

[Nerdboy vigorously taking notes]

I'm laughing out loud there David! Good stuff man! Sounds like you knew (still know?) how to get yourself in a lot of trouble! But it makes for a great story later on!

 
At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Jeni said...

You have every right to be proud of your daughter and she should also be proud of herself!

As for the gag girl, like you, I also have a serious problem with graciously accepting criticism (self righteous condemnation) from someone who can't grasp the concept of how to dress properly...just one of my many issues.

 
At 4:36 AM, Blogger Alice said...

~~So I said, “If you think this is gross, you should see me when I shoot up heroin.”~~

God, you're good. Love it.

As I believe I've mentioned (at some length) on my Blog I am an avid non-smoker myself, but frankly I don't see what her problem was.

I mean, what I can't stand is smoking in enclosed spaces like pubs and cafes, and where you're not supposed to; buses, railway stations etc. but, you weren't doing that. You were outside, there was nobody around until she came out, there were no children near, ergo: you weren't hurting anybody. God, it's not like you were walking up to people and planting cigarette burns on them, or deliberately breathing smoke into the faces of little kids.

David (mind if I call you 'David', David Niall Wilson?) was right. You were nice. There were far worse things you could have said to her.

Love it when people in glass houses throw stones. Makes it so much more fun to lob 'em back in...

 
At 9:18 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Alice, you can call me Dave, David, D - there are WORSE things you could call me :)

 

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