Friday, April 07, 2006

Bad News, Good News, Bad News

Bad News: Apparently, I’ve been suffering from a mild case of chicken pox
Good News: The spots seem to be going away
Bad News: But I’ve a nasty, deep cough and have been feeling terribly weak. I fear pneumonia, which I’m prone to, unfortunately. Since babyhood, I’ve been blessed to receive pneumonia at least once every four or five years, and chicken pox can lead to pneumonia, especially in very young children and adults. It’s been a little over four years since my last bout.

Bad News: After my shower yesterday, I walked into the kitchen wearing only a small T-shirt and thong, which I don’t usually do -- I’ve four kids, most of whom invite friends in to play while I’m showering, and my youngest is a very curious boy, and I wouldn’t want to scar neither them nor the neighborhood children in any way -- but I was in a hurry to start dinner preparations (homemade baked macaroni and cheese takes forever if done right) and didn’t feel like putting pants on over my still-lotion-y legs. So, of course, the boy happened to be in the kitchen at that moment.

He looked at my butt and said “Mommy, why are you naked?”

And I go, “I’m not honey. I’m wearing underwear.”

He moved around to inspect the front. “But, Mommy, they’re too small for you.”

“No, darling, I’m wearing a thong -- lots of ladies like to wear thongs because they make pants look better.”

His eyebrows furrowed as he took one more peek around the back and said, “Weeeeelllll, okaaaayyy. But you do have a big butt.”
Good News: My butt isn’t all that big.
Bad News: I’ve probably scarred my boy for life.

Bad News: My sister-in-law harangued me into going for my first ever mammogram, then made the appointment for me, the bitch.
Good News: I’m going for my first ever mammogram.
Bad News: Come June 5th, my sister-in-law and I will be sitting nervously together while wearing paper shirts and stupid fake smiles as we await the smashing plates of doom. I don’t relish the thought of having my boobicles turned into phyllo dough, really I don’t. I’m terrified that after the mammogram, I’ll be left with two crispy-crinkly Greek pastries hanging from my chest. If such is the case, you can bet that while my husband is sleeping, his testicles will be shaved and colored neon green with indelible marker. It’s only fair.


At 10:16 AM, Blogger Alena said...

Awwwww... I hope you feel better. Never had the pox, myself, but I just know I'll get it when I'm 80 and that's what's going to kill me.

Also, I know mammograms are really unpleasant, but I'm so glad you're going to get one. It's way better to be safe about it.. and I know we all want you around foreverandever. And if not, we'll just have to cryogenically freeze you and type up fake blog posts attributed to you. But obviously they wouldn't be half as interesting. ;)

Lastly, I'm not sure how old your kids are, but my parents were very relaxed about sex and the human body when I was growing up.. I mean, I remember taking baths and showers with both of them when I was little, and I definitely would say that wasn't scarring for me at all. CAUSE I'M COMPLETELY NORMAL. Seriously, though, it's the job of parents to mess up their kids.. just make sure they're in bed before you start burying the bodies in the backyard.

At 10:30 AM, Blogger Granny said...

The only childhood disease I missed was the chickenpox. I had mumps and both kinds of measles. I'm hoping I have an immunity although there have been only a few cases here.

My two sons both had it. One had one pock, the other was covered. Strange.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

This post should be titled, "The smashing plates of doom."

Since so many women have asked themselves the question, why can't they make a mammogram machine into which a woman can lean her lovely ladies, into say, cup-shaped spheres that scan the way hands are scanned in spy-movies, don't you think by now a woman would have invented it?? Is it ALL up to us? I'm still working on bending the space-time fabric, sheesh.

Here's a story for ya re: children viewing their childrens nether-regions. My husband dated a woman who had two small twins. She was changing in the bathroom when her two year old son came in, lifted up her skirt, peered in and asked, "Mommy, is that a scary lion?"

The trollop didn't even have the guts to answer honestly (yes, she deserves the slur).


At 10:46 AM, Blogger Alice said...

“Weeeeelllll, okaaaayyy. But you do have a big butt.”

The best one I ever got was from a six year old cousin of my friend's that I helped to babysit along with her two elder brothers (seven and eight) one hot, stormy summer afternoon.
Picture the scene:
Me and the little girl cuddled up on the sofa watching cartoons while Emma dealt with giving her brothers a time out for hitting each other with sticks. Presently, she switches her attention away from the TV and starts talking to me...

LITTLE GIRL: Alice? I like you.
ME (smiling widely): Why thankyou! That's really sweet. I like you too.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you know why I like you?
ME: Well, no. My saprkling personality?
LITTLE GIRL: It's coz you're all big and soft and squashy! It's nice to cuddle soft and squashy things.
ME: ...Thanks. I needed to hear that.
LITTLE GIRL: Can I go and play outside now it's stopped raining?
ME (sighing): Sure.


Children know exactly what to say to make you feel good, don't they?

Anyway, sorry you feel bad, Lori. I emailed you sympathy; you should get it any time now. Here: have a smile:

*SMILE!* :-)

...Eh, what the heck, it's Friday and you're ill. Have another:

*SMILE!* :-)

At 11:06 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Yikes...been down Pneumonia St., and I feel your pain ... no pox for many a long year, though...

I'm sure you'll have another GOOD NEWS after the mammogram...

This is definitely NOT guy day here...:)


At 11:13 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alena, I'm not uptight about sex, just uptight about the neighborhood kids seeing Mrs. Young's bare ass. ;-) My husband and I took showers with our three girls until they were around three or so. I'll never forget the time our oldest daughter, who must've been around two and a half, said to me "Daddy's got an ugly elephant on his tummy!" Although a wonderful ego boost for Lar, we decided that three was the cutoff age for group showering. ;-)

Ann, it's weird -- I've only got spots on my forearms, hands, lower legs/feet and upper back/chest, and the ones on my upper back/chest are very small and not itchy like the ones on my hands, arms and feet.

Jordan, I love the "scary lion" thing! Reminds me of the time when I was showering with my then three-year-old daughter, Veronica, and she pointed at my boobs and asked me what they were. I explained that when she grew up, she would have them, too. Veronica began crying and said she didn't want them AT ALL! I told her not to worry, that they were really cool to have, and that she will like them when she's a big lady. And she said, "Can I have green ones?" To which I replied, "sure, you can have green ones." She stopped crying then, and said, "YAY! And sparkles! I want sparkles, too!"

Dear God, I'm raising a future stripper.

At 11:35 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alice, you made me laugh with that! Yes, kids do have that knack for saying just the right things. ;-)

I replied to your lovely e-mail, btw.

David, today you are an honorary One Whipped Mother girlfriend. Hi, honey! Oh, my GAWD! I LOVE that skirt! Where'd you find that? Really makes you look skinny. What's that you say? Oh, no he DIDN'T! Mmm hmmm. I hear you, sister. Men are pigs, girlfriend, but we love 'em anyway...

At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Anne said...

Conversation with the 3-year-old nephew after I had lunch yesterday.

"Did you finish all your lunch, Annie?"


"You are getting bigger and bigger!"

I stood tongue-tied and offended at that, until I realized that's what his mommy always tells him when he finishes all his food....

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Lori, just to let you know; my main work based email has gone down, so I won't be getting your reply any time soon, if ever, but thanks anyway. still seems to be working though, if you want to try again. I know this because I just ranted on Blogging Baby (see my Blog for more details) and it emails clarification - at that address - through before posting.

Oh, and if you want, I'll send you "A Decent Proposal" as it stands so far (edited and a the next couple of sections added on) soon if you want another giggle.

At least I THINK it'd make you giggle...

At least I hope it would...


If I don't hear from you either here, via email or on One Girl & Her Cats before I finish work in thirty minutes; have a great weekend, anyway.
Hugs x

At 12:02 PM, Blogger Alice said...

"edited and a the next couple of sections added on"

ACK! Where did that 'a' come from??

...Oh no.

It can't be.

I thought he had gone.

But no.

I was wrong.

He is never gone.

Not really.

He is always there.


In the dark.


And when you least expect it:


*clap of thunder, lightening bolt and threatening music*

...Hold me...

At 1:15 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

The pox are no fun but pneumonia is no funner. (Hey, we're editors; we can make intentional grammatical errors if we want to - just as Alice can misspell "lightning" if she wants to! ;^)

This may not have any relevance whatsoever to your plight, Ms. Lori, but our 13-year-old daughter used to catch pneumonia about once a year - until we discovered, through blood tests, that she has celiac disease - "a chronic hereditary intestinal disorder in which an inability to absorb the gliadin portion of gluten results in the gliadin triggering an immune response that damages the intestinal mucosa." In other words, eating gluten suppresses her immune system.

Rather than put just our daughter on a gluten-free diet (which would be complicated for us and make her feel like a pariah), we decided to go completely gluten-free. In the two years since we made that decision, our daughter not only hasn't had pneumonia, but when she does catch a cold or anything else, it's over in a few days instead of a month or more. As an added bonus, everyone in the family is a lot healthier (we rarely get sick at all - which is no mean feat living in wet, cold, gray Oregon).

Living gluten-free has its challenges - and, frankly, costs more than eating gluten - but for us it's been well worth the hassles. We've learned how to make almost everything we used to enjoy when eating gluten - mac and cheese, spaghetti, bread, pizza, cake, chocolate chip cookies, etc. - with rice, corn, or potato flour instead of wheat, and believe it or not, it all tastes pretty damn good.

The only thing we haven't yet found a substitute for is - brace yourself - beer. We really miss that. BUT we know of at least two breweries in the country that make gluten-free beer, and one of them is in or near New York City...lucky you! (Google "gluten-free beer" to find 'em).

Of course, none of this will help your boy recover from butt-shock, nor will it exempt you from the smashing plates of doom, but it might keep that nasty pneumonia (and pox, too) from recurring like a Bush-boy scandal.

For what it's worth...

At 3:17 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Hmmm...okay. Honorary is good. Just don't expect me to be part of any oreos w/redneck nerdboy (:


At 3:33 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Hi Cupcake~ Sorry you aren't feeling well. I hope the kids aren't bouncy off of you or the walls too - icing on the cake...feel better soon. By the way, have you come up with a name for our redneck sandwich yet? Also wanting to see 5 minute excercise form you....
Big HugXX -E

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Is it bad that even though you're ailing with the Bird Flu on a lighter level and might inherently contract pneumonia... that I'm completely hot and bothered by the fact that you wore just a tee shirt and a thong?

I feel bad... but oh, so good!

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Leeniegirl, I believe you're referring to the Itasialian Panini-wrap, involving meatballs and a long pickle and lots and lots of ginger oil! Topped with tomato sauce, sesame seeds and provolone cheese of course.

Complete with a side of broken Pringles.

Oh, and I'll take David's Oreos if he doesn't want 'em!

At 4:15 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

We are like a cable TV sitcom...too out there for prime time, but...


At 5:35 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jaysus H.! I'm surrounded by freaks! FREAKS, I say! ;-)

David, it is like a salty little sitcom on here, isn't it?

Anne, your nephew was being complimentary! That is sooo cute. You go, big girl! ;-)

Alice, of COURSE I want to read it! Send it along. And really, Banjo Boy isn't too bad -- he's just freaking hideous as all hell. Give him a good slap in the face for me, will you?

Editor, very interesting about the celiac disease...Hmmm. But I'm ITALIAN. I LOVE my pasta, my bread, my gallons (and gallons) of beer. What's a gluttonous girl to do? I don't know if I'd be able to quit my only pleasures in life...Still, very, very interesting. Thank you!

Also, Alice isn't the only one who misspelled "lightning." I have now fixed that post (you know which one) and hang my head in shame.

Fine, David. Be that way. ;-)

Leenie, lemme think a minute...Okay, how about THE ITASIANECK! I'm brilliant. :-0

Jas, you little piggy. From here on out your new name on One Whipped Mother is Oinky Boy!

So, Oinky Boy, what gives with the grotesque dog picture, anyway? LOL!

At 5:38 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Well, I don't normally bring this up but I had to go to the doctor when I was younger to fix my overly dispersed ears. He prescribed a new "beta" drug, and as you can see, the side effects were... well, unfortunate. We don't know yet if the condition is permanent.

At 5:40 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...


Did I wrong you in a previous life? Hahaha!

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Alena said...

L. O. L. Lori!!

At 7:18 AM, Blogger Ellen said...

You crack me up, Ms. Lori!

Take care of yourself, please. Maybe rest up a bit unitl you're feeling better?


At 2:44 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Itasianeck! Itasilian Panini wrap! Hahaha. I'll have an Itasianeck Pawini Wrap -hold the pickle!!!!

At 2:44 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Feelin any better today?? Hope so...I'm having Cupcake withdrawals...

At 6:28 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

Feel better Ms. Lori x x x

At 8:51 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

Thong? My gawd woman, if I had seen my mother in a THONG, I would have suffered paralysis of the optic nerve as well as considerable psychological trauma.
the mammogram is a good idea!

At 4:56 AM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

When I have kids, I'm going to insist on wandering around in a tiny shirt and thong when they have friends over.

Good luck with the pox, my favorite mama.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Leenie - hold the pickle! Hahahaha!

Uh, unless it wasn't intended that way! In that case, disregard this comment and accept my apologies for any harm I might have caused you and yours... etc. etc.

At 2:57 PM, Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

OMG, you are one funny woman!




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