Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Tom DeLay Takes Hike -- With God!

Tom DeLay, speaking with George Stephanopoulos this morning on GMA, claims that he's done nothing illegal, and that he's a victim of leftwing smearmeisters. “I walk with God,” he stated.

He walks with God?

Why, certainly! And Brian Doyle’s the kind of man I want coaching my daughter’s lacrosse team.

**rim shot**

DeLay also said that he'd hired a lawyer to investigate himself in order to prove that there were no rotting corpses hiding in his closet, and claims that the investigations, which supposedly dug into his political career as far back as twenty-one years, turned up clean.

Wow, so his own lawyer didn’t find even one little skull? Tom, I believe I owe you an apology. Now please, continue walking with God, right to the edge of Heaven, where the Lord will then kick you in the ass and laugh as you tumble into the great abyss.

When Stephanopoulos asked DeLay if he now felt a kinship with Bill Clinton (as regards to character assassination), DeLay emphatically stated “Absolutely not!” with apparent disdain, as if he'd been asked if he enjoys porking livestock while fantasizing about Barbara Boxer. Stephanopoulos, pressing for details on the corruption seething from DeLay's former office, seemed taken aback when DeLay’s forked tongue slithered from between his lips, and thick, black smoke trickled from his nostrils, but recovered enough to ask his opinion on the outcome of November’s midterm elections. Unfortunately, he lost it again when DeLay predicted that many seats would be occupied by Republican butt, whereupon Stephanopoulos coughed into his hand while surreptitiously sputtering “asshole.”

Well, perhaps DeLay didn't do anything illegal according to Satan's law, and sure, he can’t relate to Clinton, as DeLay never received sexual favors from interns (not that an intern would even consider servicing Mr. DeLay -- ew!), but as far as behaving in an unethical and deceitful manner, I think Tommy Boy might have a wee bit of trouble convincing those of us who aren't brain-dead (or pedophiles who work for the government) that he’s as harmless as a choir boy.


At 1:36 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

He's headed to Hell, he just wants to DELAY the issue (lol). I mean, what does he want us to believe? Either a: he's corrupt, or b: he's the stupidest man ever elected to office and can't even spot corruption when it springs full blown from his own desk...??

Surely he can't be denying that said corruption EXISTS?

Maybe he's dsylexic. Mabye his speech writer told him to say he takes long, contemplative walks with his DOG?

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

This is a freaking hilarious post, Ms. Lori. Have you considered submitting your material to Margaret Cho? She would probably pay you good money for several of the lines in this post (and several others).

We can't pay you good money (or even bad money, for that matter), but we have made a feeble attempt to honor your formidable talent by posting one of your lines - in the form of a church sign - on our blog.

Thanks for making us laugh our asses off on an otherwise drab and humorless day. You're the hottest writer on the Web!

At 2:29 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

"He's headed to Hell, he just wants to DELAY the issue."

***hurls rotten tomato at David***

Dude, at least you write kick-ass stories. ;-)

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Dear Editor,

I'm curious -- how many demons exist within you, anyway? ;-)

Well, we here at One Whipped Mother are deeply flattered, and we thank you from the bottom of our demonic little hearts.


We Are Legion

At 2:56 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Rotten fruit can NOT obscure the truth...

Enoug deLAY tactics...(lol)


At 3:33 PM, Blogger Granny said...

You and Alice both ate your Wheaties this morning, didn't you.


At 3:45 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

How many demons exist within us? Only one - but it has multiple personality disorder.

At 5:54 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

"he enjoys porking livestock while fantasizing about Barbara Boxer."

Thanks Lori! Thanks! I almost retched on my keyboard!

I think the entire government should be cleaned out, cut back and redone. Hm... yep, that's about all I had to say!

:) [Munching on the broken Pringles that Ms. Lori didn't want.]

At 5:30 AM, Blogger Alice said...

"Now please, continue walking with God, right to the edge of Heaven, where the Lord will then kick you in the ass and laugh as you tumble into the great abyss."

God I love you, woman. You crack me up.

Never change.


PS: don't tell Ann I said I loved you. She gets jealous...

At 2:49 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Ugh! I hate politics! (except for the sex scandals which I find a little bit interesting) but when you tell me about it it's hilariously interesting. Gad you make me feel lame!! I've got to stop reading your blog! but I'm addicted to it like, fat kid love chocolate cake...wait, someone else said, that...who said tha....Shit!! It was you!!!....Arghhh! I am so LAME!!! XXXOOO- Luvya! E

At 3:41 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

True, Mr. David. Very true.

Ann, thanks so much! Hope things are getting better over on your end. :-(

Editor, I supposed as much... ;-)

Jas, hey now, I didn't say that I *wouldn't* eat the broken ones!

Alice, my lips are sealed. And I'd give you a big kiss on the forehead, but I think I've got chicken pox.

Leenie, you big dork. You are SO not lame. I don't link to lame-asses on my blog. Only the best and brightest can claim that privilege. ;-) Oh, and I wish that I could take credit for the brilliant "fat kid love cake" thing, but that honor goes to the esteemed rap artist Fifty Cent. :-)

Now I'ma go put some more calamine lotion on my arms and take two more Advil. I seriously think I've got the pox. bleh!

At 3:43 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Fifty said that? which song? Oh goody! I am not a dork! I saw him in concert...but he didn'
t sound that good sounded like a lotta yelling in person...and Dan said he was scared b/c he was a white dude with a hot asian girl - you know, interracial shit... I have to say I was Very honoured to see I made your blogroll!! am I on your speed dial? XXOO-E

At 6:32 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

[snarfing the rest of the broken peices before Lori can wrestle them away!]

At 7:03 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oooh, look, Jas - you're sandwiched between a hot Asian girl and a hot Italian!

We got us a hot redneck sub here, ladies and gentlemen. Toasty!

Now gimme them broken chips, bitch.

At 7:44 AM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

What will we call that? Italiasian Sub with redneck on the side or Asitalien Sub? no...that's lame...something clever - come on...need some help Lori and Jas - work your clever magic...I;m thinkin somthin like combining korean words and italien words to say something like eat a lot of redneck shit sub..."Mahni Mohgoh" is how you say eat a lot in korean is very limited and I don't know any korean swears since my parents were practically quakers...I had an italien lover once who used to say -Varfoncoolo (spelling???) - you gotta a beautiful'a ass'a...I'm sure you guys will come up with somethin clever XXOO-E

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

MINE! MINE! [holding it up so she can't reach them]

Hm... thinking of a sandwich name on the fly while surrounded by the hottest women on the planet... Not certain my mind isn't wandering now.

At 2:17 PM, Blogger crallspace said...

Watch. Bush will pardon this asshole.


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