Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Lipton, You Ain’t My Daddy

Look, I understand that whole grains do a body good, but come on, Lipton, you’d better stop trying to parent America (read as: selling products that you think we night buy because the words “whole grains!” are stamped on the package, thus giving the illusion that you care, you really, really care, about us, when in reality you’re a bunch of baboon-assed soup and side dish mongers with no regard for our health) or else America, like the bitchy, sullen teen she is, will rebel and break your papery corporate heart. And I’m here to tell you that this is one sullen bitch who will not be purchasing your whole grains-injected swill, no matter how good it’s supposed to be for me.

At one time, your Fettuccine Alfredo side dish (now made with whole grains!), was my favorite mother’s little helper, the one thing that made Sunday’s baked ham extra special, Thursday’s grilled Italian sausage with peppers and onions even more faux-Italian, and soothed my monthly cravings for starchy, cheesy badness. That side dish gave me reason to live.

Where once my beloved Lipton Fettuccine Alfredo was a comfort, a true joy for the palate and soul with its tender, smooth, white, normal fettuccine smothered in a delicate but busty Alfredo sauce, it now causes my eyes to reel from the revolting tobacco-stain brown pasta, my lips to curl in disgust from its unpleasant gritty texture, and my stomach to heave with disappointment each time I try to reestablish a connection to my erstwhile friend, hoping against hope that it was all one big horrible nightmare, that it was all in my mind. Alas and alack, it is now dead to me.

Your one saving grace is the delicious line of rice dishes, of which my favorite has to be the Broccoli and Cheese. I can’t imagine a steak and baked potato without my glorious Lipton Broccoli and Cheese Rice. That said, I’m warning you, Lipton, if you dare screw with that recipe, I will frigging lose it. I honestly will. You will one day see an insane, wild-eyed harridan pacing back and forth outside Lipton headquarters with handfuls of tainted Lipton Broccoli and Cheese Rice, and I swear on my Aunt Carmella's grave, I will, much like a toddler who doesn't know any better, hurl it in your CEO’s face.


At 1:28 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...


And how about "low sodium," or "sodium free" labels on varieties of products that never had any sodium to start with?

How about you have to go through three freakin' shelves of sour cream to find any with fat in it.

You not only have to fight through skim, 1% and 2% milk but now have soy milk and fake milk products all over the shelves...

And just TRY to find good ol' fat-filled yogurt!


Broccoli and rice
Comingled with that cheap cheese
Must not be altered.

There once was a woman with rice
Who though Lipton and cheeses were nice
But to her chagrin,
And the nice tasting rice tastes like lice....

At 1:29 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...


harridan? YOU -- in this day and age? Extra points for the use of harridan, sez I.


At 1:40 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

It is a proven fact also, according to the FDA, that the words "All Natural" mean absolutely nothing.


But whadderyagonnado? [munching on Pringles]

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Granny said...

Munching on Lays , not Pringles, but hooray for you.

Why can't they do both?

At 2:16 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

I am so loving the fact that this sounds like a missive from a woman truly on the edge. You should have heard my letter to Colgate-Palmolive when they discontinued my beloved Califonia Cool Teen Spirt deodorant.

This and the Friendly's incident are just freaking awesome, Ms. Lori. xx

At 2:19 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

David, the older I get, the less cute, so instead of being a bratty, opinionated hottie, I now think of myself as a wild-eyed, ranting harridan. And I LIKE it that way! ;-)

Your rice poem made my stomach lurch -- but in a good way!

Unfortunately, seems every can I buy lately contains crushed chips. WTF?

Ann, You know I love the Lays. GAH! Now I want some. Badly.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alexis! Good to see you! And thanks!

Um, California Cool Teen Spirit?

Nothing...I shall say nothing... ;-)

At 2:53 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...


THIS In't Teen Spirit! It doesn't SMELL like Teen SPirit...

There, Lori...satisfied? SOMEONE had to say it.

And you can be a harridan if you want...the world needs more harridans (and more people who know that's a word)


At 3:51 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

Lipton not only cares about your health, they care about your entertainment. Have you noticed how often Lipton products show up in movies and TV shows? We almost lost our lunch watching Denzel Washington down all those Cup o' Soups in "Manchurian Candidate." No wonder he was having weird dreams. Imagine what kind of dreams he would have had if those Cup o' Soups had been whole grain...

At 1:12 AM, Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

LOL@Editor at Large. This is a post I can relate to! I hate all those frigging "healthy" products, and it chaps my hide that when I go to Chili's - not my idea of fine dining, mind you, but where I used to go when I wanted to load up on fat, carbs and other things that aren't good for me - anyway, Chili's ruined it's menu by introducing a whole line of "heart healthy" menu items. Wake up Mr. Brinker. I don't go to Chili's for the health of my heart. Thank goodness I can still count on Adair's in Dallas for the total artery clogging experience that I periodically crave.


At 6:14 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Ah, isn't it swell when people feel they need to make us healthier, and not only that, tell us about it, a lot - oh, and try to make us pay for it too?

Also, ever noticed how advertising and the government goes on and on about eating more healthily, and then makes the healthier stuff way way more expensive? I worked it out, and to eat 'proper' food every day, forgetting whether it is low in fat or sodium or taste or whatever, would add £5 I don't have onto my shopping bill every week.

So, here's a little message to the people who feel it necessary to tell me what I should eat, and how, and what brand I should buy, and whaty is 'healthy' for me:

Listen up! I loves me my tesco's own not extra fibre and with preservatives white bread, my normal economy bag of dry pasta, my full fat basic mature cheddar cheese, by NOT 'Good For You' cheap as chips pasta sauce and my not 'extra lean skin/fat trimmed off' meat. I eat what I I like and what I can afford and nobody, I say NOBODY is going to make me buy anything different, much less pay more, just by slapping a few fancy words about stuff being better for me on a packet and churning out a few smartly done adverts.

Great post, Lori. You're obviously back on form and in fighting spirit.


At 8:33 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Yes. I am eating oatmeal, which lowers my cholestorol, I'm told, but I have STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM in it ...and a banana (lol).

If anyone is interested, before it slides into obscurity, there is a very short story (only 421 words) posted on my journal...I'm curious about it becuase:

a: I have no idea why I wrote it.
b: I have no idea what to do with it.



At 12:58 PM, Blogger Alena said...

I loves me my tesco's own not extra fibre and with preservatives white bread..

I particularly enjoyed this sentence.. I could hear the Cockney as I read it (and I'm not ashamed to admit that I said it a few times out loud just to enjoy the accent).

Anyway, Alice, you're absolutely right... I do think that obesity is very much linked to poverty (take a look at the poorest states in the U.S. and you'll see they're also the 'fattest' states). The cheapest food is the most processed and ergo, the worst for you.

What's interesting is that historically, even as recently as half a century ago, people with weight on them were judged as attractive because having excess weight meant you had plenty of money to feed yourself to excess. Same thing with fair/tan skin, used to be milky skin was the height of attractiveness because it implied you had enough money to never have to be outside working in the sun. But things have switched around completely. Now the people with money tend to be thinner because they can afford whole foods, gym memberships, liposuction, whatever. And of course, tan skin is the beauty standard because it implies athleticism.

Lori, that sucks. I mean, I understand offering a healthy alternative to a favorite, but to replace the favorite with the healthy crap?? That's just wrong.


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