Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I Married Banjo Boy

Okay, Lar, even though you don’t read my blog, other people we know do, and as promised, I am going to humiliate you by writing about your latest antics.

I warned you. I did. But you chose to ignore my warnings in favor of acting the annoying idiot and disturbing my American Idol experience.

Marc, make sure you razz Lar’s ass about what I am about to describe. And be brutal, unrelenting, because lord knows he deserves every single moment.

To begin, I would like to say that when I first became acquainted with Lar, then dated and eventually married him, he seemed the perfect man. He was handsome, athletic, a bit standoffish (which I adore), business-minded, talented, very much the strong, silent type. He did make me laugh, but it was with his wonderfully dark, sarcastic commentary on people and the asinine situations they find themselves in, politics, relatives. Just dripping with sarcasm, and I appreciated that. As the years passed, however, I noticed a subtle change, a slow metamorphosis that crept around the edges, but I ignored it all, chalked it up to stress, exhaustion -- until the year 2004, when the truth of Lar’s monstrous identity hit me with such surprise and force, I felt as if I’d been hit by a cement mixer. I was shocked, still am. Yet I continued to love him, tolerated the squinty eyes, the grotesque way his lips stretch across his deformed face, his tongue lolling out the side of his twisted mouth...And the voice, dear god, the voice. That was especially difficult to overlook, the exaggerated southern twang, the screeching nonsense that echoed throughout the night, kept me awake, induced nightmares...

This is what Lar has become:











Those of you who are familiar with the movie “Deliverance” understand how frightening Banjo Boy is, how chilling his smile, how evil his eyes. Banjo Boy, to me at least, rivals his fellow hill people in the EWWWW! department, not because he’s perverted and likes to make city folk squeal like pigs, as his comrades do, but because of his abnormally hideous manikin-like face. Sure, he plays a mean banjo, but really now, is that even right? Freaks like that should be covered with blankets and hidden in closets, not seen in public pickin’ and grinnin’. Wrong, so very wrong. And I am married, if not to Banjo Boy himself, then to his doppelganger.

Last night was the worst manifestation of Lar’s Banjo Boyism to date. Wouldn’t stop pickin’ and grinnin’, wouldn’t shut up with his Banjo Boy babble, all nonsensical twaddle wrapped up in awful southern accent and jerking facial movements, wouldn’t leave me or my daughter Sarah alone, kept trying to wrestle with us, all the while hooting and hollering and embarrassing himself like never before. Banjo Boy blatantly disregarded my polite requests to be quiet, and in fact became even more annoying, if you can imagine. The angrier I became, the naughtier Banjo Boy, until it culminated to the most disgusting, abhorrent, horrific and unnatural display of perversion ever witnessed by mortal eyes. After he’d driven our daughter from the room, I screamed at him to cease and desist (Taylor was about to perform), Banjo Boy got up on his knees, whipped his shirt off, and...

Hang on...Need a minute to compose myself...

All right. I’m okay. I’m okay...It’s only a memory...Only a memory...

He...He whipped his shirt off and began to...Fondle his own nipples.

It was awful. Never have I hated him more than at that very moment. I yelled, I punched (and hurt my hand), I threatened to tell the world about his behavior, but he persisted, just kept on grinning and hooting and assaulting me with his nipple-fondling until the end of Taylor‘s performance. And then I killed him. I killed Banjo Boy.

And I do not regret it one bit.

17 Comments:

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

Beware the nipples of Banjo Boy!

Et tu, Banjo Boy?

This made me laugh and laugh, Ms. Lori. You funny!

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Careful. He the 'fondling' may be preparing them in readiness to shoot lasers.

Well. You never know...

 
At 11:56 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Where the fuck did that 'he' come from??

Lori, I think Banjo Boy is trying to possess me and screw with mind mind.

Help! For the love of God, HELP!

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger Alice said...

Ack! 'MIND mind'?

SEE!?!

*wimper* Hold me...

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

OH, HEAVENS, YES! BEWARE THE BANJO NIPPLEAGE! Myfanwy, if your man ever begins to show signs of this...affliction, I suggest you put him out of his misery sooner than later. For his sake, of course.

Alice, LOL! I see Lar's...affliction (must use ellipses before...affliction at all times) has made you nervous and perhaps even insane. Calm down, take a deep breath, and say this mantra aloud for about twenty minutes: Banjo Boys are American, they do not live in the U.K.

You are safe, my sister.

 
At 2:18 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

You are so FUNNY!! I missed your BLOGS while in Disney Hell.

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Granny said...

How we know he doesn't have an evil twin someplace over there?

Be careful Alice - be very careful.

 
At 4:36 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Hey now. Deliverance was my life's story before they made a screenplay out of it.

:)

 
At 1:09 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Why is men fondling their own nipples so damn funny?

 
At 7:42 AM, Blogger W. Olivia said...

Sanest response to American Idol I've ever heard!

Go Larry! ;-)

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Hey, thanks, Leenie! Welcome back from Hell! Gotta give you props for even approaching the gates...

Jas! Don't scare me like that! ***blocks Jas's IP address***

Kidding, babe. ;-)

Ms. Olivia, we all have our guilty pleasures...Why, I know a certain someone, a very intelligent someone who usually has superb taste, who confounded and frightened me by not missing an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and *she* didn't hear *me* say one insulting word, now did she? :-)

RESPECT THE IDOL!

Oh, and, did you get my freaking casserole or what?!

 
At 11:09 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Hmmm...

Well, I live in the land of Banjo Boys - North Carolina (SA-LOOT) (okay, most of you are too young to remember Hee Haw...)

Still -- I can recall not a single nipple-fondling urge in the many years of my existence, and certainly not during Idol...

I can see Ryan and Simon having urges...but not me.

On the other hand, I not only missed no episodes of Buffy or Angel, but own them all on DVD and have watched them AGAIN....

And my favorite final line in a TV series EVER was...

"I don't know about you guys, but I want a crack at that dragon..."

DNW

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Stephanie, because *men* are damn funny. Period. :-0

David, you are beyond scary -- Banjo Boy country, Hee Haw references AND Buffy?! Lordy, lordy. Next thing you're gonna say is that you secretly worship Bea Arthur. Then I'll DEFINITELY ban your ass. ;-)

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Yech. No fear there...and I didn't say I LIKED Banjo Boy, just that I lived in his Red-neck of the woods. We MOVED here..half the time we don't know what the locals are saying. We started a phonic hicktionary once, but I dont' know what became of it.

Buffy grows on you...as did Angel when it was on...some of the classic lines of all time came from Spike...like.."You've made a bear....put it back!" (lol)

We watch a LOT of TV - usually in the background of other things going on like eBay, web-surfing, and writing...(not to mention playing with Katie, who sits in my lap a lot prior to 8:00 pm)

D

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

There are a few images burned deeply into my scarred brain; images that will never leave me. The most knubbly and severe in texture can be credited to Mother (recall Norman Bates): baby carriage...front porch...dead of winter...several months old...alone except for Mrs. Shaddock's cat...terror.

But I will tell ya, Banjo Boy and the toothless and probably very smelly mutant who gets off on porking Brokeback Mountain style, reduce my very true baby trauma to sunshine and buttercups.
And you sleep with this creature?

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

David, a phonic hickcionary sounds like fun! Too bad you lost it...Perhpas it's with your Bea Arthur photo collection? ;-)

G-Man, I do. And...It's surprisingly erotic.

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Tyler said...

What kind of a person condemns those who look different to be "thrown in a closet"? You self important arrogant prick. Just because you are and will always be a nobody does not give you the right to lash out at those less fortunate and unable to defend themselves. Your attitude on mental retardation (which the Banjo Boy was not) is disgusting. We all should do a little more to help those less fortunate instead of using them as the butt of our jokes, or as comparisons for some derelict husband-of-the-week. Be ashamed of yourself.

 

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