Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Just Because I’m in a Really Bad Mood...

And feeling uncharacteristically homely today, I thought I’d cheer myself up by surfing the ‘Net for terrible pictures of usually gorgeous women. Feel my pain, bitches.
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Evangeline Lilly













Apparently, the Cindy Brady look is all the rage now. And I must say, I gloated just a little (fine, a lot) when I discovered that this otherwise exquisite woman looks terrifically bad in a swimsuit. There is a god after all.

Jessica Simpson







I almost felt sorry for her when I first saw this, what with the demonic possession and all, but then I remembered the pornographic Pizza Hut ad where Jessica, half-dressed and obviously suffering from collagen rejection, shoots big cheesy balls of sin into a quivering adolescent boy’s open mouth, and then my pity turned to immense glee.

Catherine Zeta-Jones

















Well, ‘allo, Miz Jones! Wot’s that scone doin’ on yer face, then? Blimey…Yer old nose, you say? A thousand apologies, ma’am. A thousand apologies!

Cameron Diaz










Honestly, this woman looks so ugly here, my son, who walked into the room just now, said, “Mommy, I don’t like that man.”

Thank you, Brandon, for saving me the time of thinking up an appropriate caption.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce that I now feel a little less homely and sad.

Good day.

12 Comments:

At 9:38 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Actually, I quite like ol' Catherine in that picture. She looks pretty and natural, rather than bony and plastic as she does now.
Ah well, opinions can differ. And anyway, completely agree on the others. Especially Mz. Simpson - my God.

Thanks for your comment. Great minds really do (mostly) think alike.

I sent you a couple of emails, by the way, and wondered whether you got them.
Not being scarily demanding and stalker-ish: my Server has been playing up and it tends to delete emails mid-transfer sometimes, is all.
If not, I'll send 'em again.

Lucky you...

 
At 10:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

How sad it is to confess that I would spend the night with any one of these hags and feel like I was in heaven.
peeking in, luv and hugs, Gary

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

Oh god, I just snorted up coffee at your son's apt phrase: "I don't like that man."

Me neither, kid. Me neither!

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

WHAT is up with that bathing suit?? This is not something an adult (or a child for that matter) should be wearing.

 
At 12:35 PM, Blogger Alena said...

Ha.. what Gary said.

Re: Evangeline Lilly... WTF is up with the tutu bikini?? I mean, seriously, what grown woman decides to wear that? There are a billion bikinis on the planet and that's the one she picks... weird and just plain bad.

As an aside, does anyone watch Project Runway? If so, I would love to discuss what possible drugs Guadalupe was on during the last show..

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger RobinSlick said...

I'm feeling positively stunning right now. Or was until I saw the way my ass looked from behind when I slipped out of my jeans and checked after seeing Evangeline in that hideous bathing suit.

But thanks for the laugh, Ms. Lori!

 
At 10:59 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

No one looks well in a butt ruffle. But particularly an adult. Thanks, Lori. :)

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Thank you for putting this out there! I just bought that same EXACT suit and was planning to wear it to the kiddie pool at Disney this week! How embarressing that would have been...I didn't realize pink and white ruffles were not cool...I guess I'll have to go back to my pink and blue ruffled bikin bathing suit;)-Eileen

 
At 11:58 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alice, Catherine looks gorgeous in EVERY picture, unfortunately, scone-nose regardless. That one was as close to "homely" as I could find. ;-)

You would, Gary. Ya whore.

Jordan, I never saw what the big deal was with her. Joker-smilin', zit-faced, ham-handed, pug-nosed, photographer-assaultin' biyatch that she is.

Oh, dear. It appears I may still be in a bad mood. Sorry, everyone.

I know, Myfanwy, but I have a sinking feeling Charlize Theron would rock that suit but good, which would make me hate her even more for her impossible gorgeousness. Still, even Goddess Charlize should stay away from kiddie clothes...

Alena, even Diaz?! Of course, you probably meant "with a bag over her head," right? ;-) And yeah, I do watch PR, but missed the last couple of shows. Must catch reruns soon!

Robin, you *are* stunning. And you know better than to shop in Wal-Mart's girls' section, so that makes you sensible as well. ;-)

Stephanie, Butt ruffles only make the flesh ruffles more noticeable, as evidenced by that picture. Evangeline has inadvertently done a great service for all womankind.

Eileen, welcome! And I'm so glad that I could be of help. But...C'MON EILEEN, burn the ruffles, pink, blue, it doesn't matter -- burn them all!

 
At 10:53 PM, Blogger Alena said...

Yes, even Diaz. I'm sorry, I just think she's cute as hell. :P Plus, I will never be able to forget her booty-shaking in underoos, that was the best!

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

Feeling bloated and disgusting as I do, that post really helped me too. Thanks Ms. Lori for performing a valuable public service..

 
At 5:36 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

You're pregnant, Cassandra -- a goddess bearing life. You are the most beautiful of all creatures.

(((HUGS)))

 

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