Monday, February 20, 2006

I'll Take "Disturbing Advertisements" for Five Hundred, Alex

Alex Trebek: Embarrassing, vulgar, and unconscionable, this commercial attempts to entice potential suckers with its ludicrous dancing bazooms.

Ms. Lori: What is the bogus breast enlargement exercise apparatus commercial that I saw yesterday but can't remember the name of and can't find mention of on the Internet, no matter how many variations of the words "breast," "exercise," "commercial," and “seizuring bam-bams that move independently of one another” I type into Google.

While watching MTV yesterday morning, I experienced a horrible urge to throw my coffee cup at the screen and yell obscenities, but I, out of respect for my family, suppressed the urge and merely wept quiet tears of hate.

There was this commercial, see, a very bad commercial aimed at "boob-challenged" women (read as "not adequately endowed according to misogynistic American media") that depicted various half-naked ladies “enlarging” their already bountiful bosoms with a product “DEVELOPED BY A WOMAN!” that claims miraculous results in only six weeks. Or something like that. Anyway, the busty broads demonstrated how you too can have enormous boobage by using this incredible “STATE OF THE ART!” machine that was “DEVELOPED BY A WOMAN!” and honestly, it was as if I were witnessing a remote viewing of some thirteen-year-old boy’s masturbatory fantasy, and I did not like it one bit.

The gist of the thing is this: You take the machine, or “appallingly phallic-like stick of foolery” as I like to call it, and you simply push the ends inward, the basic principle being tension = spectacular ta-ta enlargement. However, as most of us know, this is total bullshit. Breasts are made of fat, and exercise, although helpful in strengthening the chest muscles thus producing a sturdier foundation for said fat patties, will not, cannot, ever, ever, ever, increase bust size.

Not only was I dismayed by the extreme idiocy of it all, I was mightily frightened for those dizzy dames, as it was apparent that using this “DEVELOPED BY A WOMAN!” machine had not only caused irreparable damage to their frontal lobes and unsightly muscular growth in their forearms, but also caused their breasts to become sentient beings capable of ungodly feats of wit and daring. As I watched this shocking display of blatant consumer hoodwinking and undulating mammary glands, I was reminded of that old car commercial where the girl sitting in the passenger seat is suddenly overtaken by St. Vitus’ dance and begins pop-locking to the trendy beats blasting from the hawt, hawt stereo -- remember that one? Sure you do. And I’m willing to bet it scared you as much as it did me. Well, imagine a row of double D’s pop-locking to an inane voiceover, just jumping and frolicking about like rabid puppies as their peculiarly calm-faced owners dreamily smile and pretend they don’t look like assholes.

Take it from Ms Lori -- if you’ve never seen a gaggle of over-inflated fun bags seizuring in unison, consider yourself blessed. Well, unless you happen to be a man who might enjoy that kind of thing.

ADDENDUM:The foxy and incredibly talented Ellen Meister tagged me with the Seven Things meme, but I already did this one back in December-- here it is, for those who didn’t catch it the first time around.

I won’t tag anyone because I’m still smarting over the embarrassing lack of response the last time I tagged. And yeah, I’m talking to you SJ. Why, if I had more than three inches of hair on my head, I'd toss it while smirking chimpily and say "So there!"


At 2:21 PM, Anonymous ellen meister said...

The scariest part? They probably sold a shitload of these things.

Lori, you need to have a weekly column somewhere--you deserve an audience of millions!

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ellen, that's one of the nicest things anyone's said to me in weeks and weeks and weeks -- THANK YOU!

And yeah, they probably did sell a shitload, and that's not only scary, that's just plain old sad.

At 2:47 PM, Blogger Justice said...

Take it from a woman who takes her knockers off with the simple unclasp of a gloriously padded bra: There is a small cult following for itty-bitty-titties. We really are appreciated too!

At 2:57 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

I think most men appreciate ALL boobage -- big, small, medium, pert, droopy -- as long as they're attached to a woman and have nips, it's all good. ;-)

At 6:21 PM, Blogger Jas... said...

I know of only one way that women can increase breast size. It's natural and developed by women! Having a baby!

Sheesh... I should patent that.

Still worshipping you after all this time Lorigirl!

At 3:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's easy for you to denigrate, Ms. Lori, you and your plentiful bosoms!

At 4:28 AM, Blogger Alice said...

What is it with the media? Why is it so hard for people to understand that women can come in all shapes, sizes and colours and STILL be 'beautiful'??


I hope nobody falls for it but unfortunately there are probably hundreds of desperately unhappy gals out there who would try anything, ANYTHING to make their boobs bigger, and these batards are only to happy to cash in on their feelings of inadequacy.

Grrr some more...

Anyhoo, great post and Ellen M is right. You need a column. :-)

At 4:30 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Ah. That would be 'bastards'.


When am I going to learn to wake up, THEN comment...?

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Granny said...

Alice borrowed your thoughts and really let go with what she thought. Good for her. I fear for my girls sometimes.

On a more serious note, of course it's the Macintosh. They're red.

The hilarious part of "apples across the pond" is the attraction to commenters.

One of my early posts was "toilet paper - over or under the roll". The whole world chimed in.

Hope you're doing well.


At 12:06 PM, Blogger Granny said...

And let's not forget the Viagra ads in prime time while they are all obsessing over Janet's exposed nipple.

Try explaining penile disfunction to a 10 year old.

They actually ran the Super Bowl on a five second time delay while what's her name was half naked in the pizza commercial.

O.K. I'm done monopolizing your comment box now. I think.

At 1:32 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jas! SOOOO good to see you, brutha.

And yes, the bonkers do indeed expand with the babies -- sadly, they also head south. ;-) LOVE to you. xxx

Ahhh, my favorite "anonymous" commenter, Mr. Hasselhoff. Good to see you as well...But I'm a bit perplexed, nay troubled, that you would know the size of my bazonkadonks.

Alice, you sing it, sister. And thank you!

You're a prime example of why I love Brits so much. ;-)

Granny, GAH! HATE the Viagra ads, but I HATE the feminine products ones even more. Jaysus keeerist, it makes my blood boil that not only does Madison Ave think we ladies should smell like apples (Macintosh, anyone?) or be "fresh as a summer's eve" ('cause, y'know, vaginas are so icky), but we and our families are subjected to these ads 24/7 -- including K-Y Jelly ones. Again, GAH!

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, and Mr. Hasselhoff? Regarding your recent concern via e-mail:

No, I'm certainly not offended by your most accurate assessment of my dizzywhippers. Just stay out of my bushes from now on, 'kay? ;-)


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