Saturday, February 04, 2006

Yeah, Well, At Least I'm Not Violent

I woke up this morning with butt on my mind. I lay there listening to the musical screams of my little early-risers and thought about rising, too, despite the dark, rainy morning, despite the fact it was six o’freaking clock on a Saturday, and really, I deserve an extra hour in bed. But the screams quashed any desire to snuggle back into my pillow and drift, drift, drift off to the magical land of Impossibly Handsome Naked Men, where Jake Gyllenhaals and Brad Pitts prance happily about wearing nothing but impossibly handsome smiles. I thought about making some coffee, rustling up breakfast for the demonic horde fighting over the last Pop Tart, and just as I was about to throw off the covers and leap into my motherly duties, another thought came to mind, a thought that, like so many before, was produced by my eccentric ability to blend two dissimilar scenarios or objects and make them compatible. And this morning’s juxtapositional brainstorm, the possible combination of butts and food, stopped me cold…

Butt food.

First up on our unusual menu, the delightfully meaty Boston Butt, with just a splash of

followed by an enormous

served with everyone's favorite side dish, mashed potatoes and Butt Burner!

Still hungry? Good! Prepare yourself for a culinary treat so treaty, after you've eaten your fill, your tongue just may sprout wings and fly out of your mouth in search of more butt. Open wide for...

I'll bet you're thinking, "MY GOD! It just can't get any better than that." But you would be wrong, dear butt-lovers. Very, very, wrong. Please allow me to introduce you to my secret guilty pleasure -- and I admit this is an acquired taste, but trust me, once you go anal, you never go banal.

So come, join me in partaking of what is guaranteed to be the most delicate delight ever to cross your discriminating palate>>>>>>>>>>>>

As I always say, smoked beef rectum is the shit!

All right, then. I believe I'll go hide for a few days until the shame wears off.

ADDENDUM: Okay, it's now Monday, and the shame hasn't yet worn off. I should delete this pitiful ass post, but I can't help loving my own puerile humor sometimes.

Off to hide some more...


At 7:41 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

I can't get through a day without someone's ass on my mind; not the Brokeback Mountain kinda ass, but something smooth and so hard you could crack an egg on it.

At 9:49 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

:-0 !!!!!!!!!

So, you're into female wrestler ass, then?

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

It's Beef Rectum for dinner tonight at my house.

At 10:34 AM, Blogger Alice said...

My cousin used to call me 'arse' when she was little before she could pronounce my name probably, if that counts as Butt Humour??

Anyway, I wouldn't mind trying Pork Butt On A Stick, if you have any left overs??

Do not hide from shame. Stand up, let the custard pie of embarrassment hit you square in the face, wipe the gunk from your eyes, smile at the audience, bow, and then continue doing what you always have.

And fear not, Ms. Lori. I still love you.

At 10:35 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Ah, that would be 'properly', not 'probably'.

Wait up, and I'll have some of that pie...

At 11:40 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

That's the spirit, Myfanwy! I'll be there with bells on.

Alice, lovely, arsey Alice...Of COURSE that's butt humor! YAY for arse!


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