Tuesday, April 18, 2006

#2 in My Series of "Incredibly Bad Poetry by Celebrities or Fictional Characters"

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Shhhhh: A Poem
By Tom Cruise

Lay your head, sweet darling
Upon the pillow
And close your glibbinous [sic] eyes
Be quiet, my love
Gnash those dazzling teeth and release
The pain to Me
For I will wave my magic fingers
Above this bed, and hum a glib-glorious tune
That will ease the searing glibitude [sic]
Within your womb
Dear glibby, wondrous woman of mime [sic]
Close your eyes, shhhhh
Do not tear at the duct tape
That seals your glib cries
And think of the life we hath wrought
Er. Begot
I mean. Uh. Whatever
Mine brain worketh overtime, O Silent Rose of


Old Mother Hubbard
Went to her cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone
And when the dog barked too loud
Drawing a glibtudonous [sic] crowd
Mother Hubbard said, Shhhh, before I beat you into submission with this stone

Get it? You’re a Mother of Hubbard, and the character’s name is Mother Hubbard?

Oh, shhhh, shhhh, shhhh, try not to weep
Do not make a peep
You’re not Meryl Streep
Or a big fat sheep
I pray the Ron [sic] my soul to keep



At 11:16 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Spitting my coffee
Onto Glibitudinous desktop
Laughing my ass off

Best I can do...laughing too hard (lol)

Old Mother Hubbard indeed...

At 12:00 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

HI-larious. OH MY GOD. I would have spit my coffee too had I been drinking it.

Oh god...

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Granny said...

I already finished my first cup or I'd be echoing.

Priceless. The man is certifiable.

Heading for cup number two. It may be safe now that I've already read this.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

David, Jordan and Ann, Tom asked me to tell all of you that he hates your glib guts.

I'm sorry. :-( His words, not mine.

At 12:48 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Glib guts (lol) Cool.

Actually, I have liked a lot of Tommy Boy's movies, but his personal life is that of a double-breasted wackoboid...not sorry to have missed out on close personal association.


At 12:54 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

You know, I really do like Tom as an actor (plus, I think he's hot -- love big noses and compact, tidy little packages of goodness), but my GAWD, the dude is dumber than a stump.

At 1:58 PM, Blogger Granny said...

Please apologize to the stump. Oh you said dumber than - that's okay.

Alice is back and buying shoes (in great detail (lol).

At 2:20 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

I don't know how it works for you ladies, but if a woman is dumber than said chunka wood (Take Jessica Simpson, for instance) I don't feel even a twitch of "she's HOT" syndrome. It just drives it right out of me...like that gum-poppin' attempt to be sexy in the piza popper commercial...she isn't even as hot as Miss Piggy.

SO...that said, I have to think if I was a woman, I'd not be too taken with Tommy Boy now that I know he's a lunatic.

At 2:28 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

What in the absolute hell? I think ol' L. Ron Hubbard has taken over his soul for good.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Hahahaha! You should put that to music! I bet it would be a chart topper. Tom used to do it for me but I think he has totally gone off the deep end - just ain't feelin'it no mo. Brad Pitt does it for me...TOTALLY. I came by your house on Easter but nobody answered the door. Is 2:30 am too late/early? Lovie You - XXOOE

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ann, I'll check out Alice's shoe binge soon as I can -- CRAZY days 'round here lately. I get maybe ten minutes at a time on my computer, then it's MOOOOOOOOOMMMMMYYYYYY!!!

David, I'm totally a brain woman. If a guy is kind of ugly but has a great brain (and makes me laugh), I'm all into it, but I find that the older I get, the more I'm able to overlook the brainlessness if they possess other, um, worthy attributes. I just wouldn't take him home to meet momma, if you get my drift. ;-) I also enjoy heavy guys, dated a few before I met Lar. But they had to have a cute face and be witty, too. And I like older men, especially if they're square-jawed and have silver hair and glasses. Oh, and tall, thin men with offbeat features. Like them, too.

Heck, I guess I like 'em all, ho that I am. ;-)

Jas, yes indeed. Ain't it cool?

Leenie! Is that you? GORGEOUS! OMG, and you also have a brain. ;-)

Love the Pittmeister, always have. He's so dreamy, even my fifteen-year-old recognizes the beauty that is Brad. Love Clooney, too, but my daughter says "Ew! Old man!" whenever I comment on him.

Stop by tomorrow, then. Having a barbeque. And remember: Light beer, please. Preferably Corona.

At 3:58 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Brad does nothign for me either (lol)


At 5:26 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

God save us if Clooney is an old man.

I don't get it for Brad, I'm afraid. I did for a smidge. I think I was most hot for him when he played the vampire.

I'm more of a Johnny Depp lover.

As for Tom hating my guts, he don't know what he's missin'. Tell hm I said so. Boo-Ya! His woman might be a nice little pod-chick, but can that really satisfy all those dark contours of his soul?

At 8:04 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

I have a list of actors whose movies I refuse to pay to see; not because their acting is substandard, although a few of them are not unfamiliar with this territory. Fact is, they have been too eager to share their personal lives with Oprah or People Magazine or whomever. You see, if I see Tom as an asshole on Oprah, I have difficulty separating this from his acting career.

At 4:42 AM, Blogger Alice said...

That's the last time I take a sip of water before I start reading any of ylour posts.

My screen's all wet now...

At 4:44 AM, Blogger Alice said...


not "ylour"



...That or I just invented a new word.

Either is good.

At 8:27 AM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

You are the best! hahaha!

At 10:16 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jordan, yes, The Depp! Always. always...

G-Man, for some reason, I'm able to forget Tom's asinicity when I watch his movies. He's a fine actor, imo, which is an interesting contradiction.

Alice, I see all that shoe shopping has affected your typing skills. ;-)

Myfanwy, thank you!

At 10:47 AM, Blogger Alena said...

Tell me you made up this poem. I can't envision it coming out of anyone's head, except as a joke. I will remain frightened until you tell me it's satire.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Oh...My...GOD! The Cruise sickens me...he really does:


At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anne said...

OH GOD! HAHAHA! Thank you for that. It made my day!
"Merryl Streep or a big fat sheep"
Bwuhahaha! I spit up my water!


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