Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Last Wishes That Had Better Be Honored or I Will Haunt Your Ass

To my beloved family and friends,

1) I want the biggest tombstone in the cemetery

2) I want my epitaph to read: Does this grave make me look fat?

3) I want my cat’s body exhumed (assuming she goes before I do), and placed upon my cold, stiff chest. Also, put a jaunty little knit cap on her head, just because.

4) I’d really appreciate it if all of you would visit me at least once a week, throw your bodies atop my grave, and weep loudly -- extra points for those who do this during peak visiting hours.

5) Leave gifts, especially bottles of Absolut, giant-size Hershey’s with almonds bars (or Russell Stover chocolates -- I'm not picky), and cigarettes. Thanks in advance!

6) I would like all of my writer friends to please compose myriad odes to me, and publish them in high-profile publications. My musician friends should write haunting yet sweet songs titled “Ms. Lori,” and pay off D.J.s to ensure heavy rotation. My filmmaker buds must then create award-worthy videos, preferably starring Charlize Theron as me. It would be great if there was a lot of dry ice and moody lighting. And, perhaps, a nearly naked young hunk or two. And a clown with a big, blue tear painted on his cheek.

7) I would like my husband to compile all of my published and unpublished work into one huge omnibus-thing, and see to it that it is published under the title “Ms. Lori: A Genius Who Was Never Appreciated During Her Time on Earth, Because People Suck, But That's Okay, Because Now You Will Worship Her Until the End of Time.”

Eh, scratch that. Lar, you’d better leave that to someone more qualified. Like someone who knows what “omnibus" means, maybe?

8) Think of me every single minute of every single day -- alternate between shrieking with despair and laughing like a maniac.

9) Eat two slices of buttered toast each morning until your dying day.

10) Donate to my kids’ college fund. I have four children, and they’re all quite brilliant, so I’m thinking you’d better toss top coin toward this fund. I’ll know who’s been bad or good, so give till it hurts, people. You wouldn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to the horrible sound of Dead Ms. Lori going “Booooo-ooooo-aaaaa-ooooo-YAH!” now, would you?

Of course you wouldn’t.

Peace and love,

Ms. Lori


At 3:47 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Hahahahahaha! Excellent stuff Lorigirl!

So long as you don't haunt me in the bathroom, we're good!

At 9:28 PM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

Thank you Ms. Lori, thank you deep. After a week that has seen the most insane ass-raping my ex has ever delivered unto turn into the fragile dream of a hope of a chance of an actual revenge scenario coming into potential being and being almost afraid to dream it... man didn't I need a frigging good, old fashioned gut-laugh.

You get Lar (or whoever) to print it, I'LL buy a copy dammit. Then I'll erect a little shrine around it and leave vodka and marlboros on it next to the ferret skull and the stuffed parrot. :-D

At 9:52 PM, Blogger Ms. Theologian said...

Are you planning on dying some time soon?

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Thanks, Jassyboy! And I promise, no bathroom haunting for you. I'm so not into that. ;-)

Nuggets, I'm sorry your ex is *still* making your life miserable...

Want me to rough her up a bit?

I could haunt her, I suppose, but hopefully that won't be possible for quite some time yet.

Stephanie, see above. ;-)

At 12:03 AM, Blogger Granny said...

You are so funny!!

At 9:27 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Thanks, Ann! As I'm sure you already know, I'm not exactly dealing with a full deck. ;-)


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