One Whipped Mother

Last Wishes That Had Better Be Honored or I Will Haunt Your Ass

To my beloved family and friends,

1) I want the biggest tombstone in the cemetery

2) I want my epitaph to read: Does this grave make me look fat?

3) I want my cat’s body exhumed (assuming she goes before I do), and placed upon my cold, stiff chest. Also, put a jaunty little knit cap on her head, just because.

4) I’d really appreciate it if all of you would visit me at least once a week, throw your bodies atop my grave, and weep loudly -- extra points for those who do this during peak visiting hours.

5) Leave gifts, especially bottles of Absolut, giant-size Hershey’s with almonds bars (or Russell Stover chocolates -- I'm not picky), and cigarettes. Thanks in advance!

6) I would like all of my writer friends to please compose myriad odes to me, and publish them in high-profile publications. My musician friends should write haunting yet sweet songs titled “Ms. Lori,” and pay off D.J.s to ensure heavy rotation. My filmmaker buds must then create award-worthy videos, preferably starring Charlize Theron as me. It would be great if there was a lot of dry ice and moody lighting. And, perhaps, a nearly naked young hunk or two. And a clown with a big, blue tear painted on his cheek.

7) I would like my husband to compile all of my published and unpublished work into one huge omnibus-thing, and see to it that it is published under the title “Ms. Lori: A Genius Who Was Never Appreciated During Her Time on Earth, Because People Suck, But That's Okay, Because Now You Will Worship Her Until the End of Time.”

Eh, scratch that. Lar, you’d better leave that to someone more qualified. Like someone who knows what “omnibus" means, maybe?

8) Think of me every single minute of every single day -- alternate between shrieking with despair and laughing like a maniac.

9) Eat two slices of buttered toast each morning until your dying day.

10) Donate to my kids’ college fund. I have four children, and they’re all quite brilliant, so I’m thinking you’d better toss top coin toward this fund. I’ll know who’s been bad or good, so give till it hurts, people. You wouldn’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to the horrible sound of Dead Ms. Lori going “Booooo-ooooo-aaaaa-ooooo-YAH!” now, would you?

Of course you wouldn’t.

Peace and love,

Ms. Lori

posted by Ms. Lori @ 9:43 AM