Thursday, December 07, 2006

Bi-Scurrilous

All right, then, listen up -- bi-curious is cool, unless, that is, a certain bi-curious individual has a face like a horse whose mouth was implanted with fifteen extra horse teeth by an evil scientist named Doctor Julius Bastardo.

Let me explain.

Last night, I was flipping through the channels, came upon a VH1 documentary about bi-curious women who are married. Okay, interesting enough. What made it even more interesting was that there is a place in the Bahamas where these married bi-curious babes can go mingle with other bi-curious babes, and, perhaps, get it on…As their chagrined albeit excited husbands stand on the sideline (literally) and fiddle nervously with their crushed self-esteem while at the same time find a comfortable position in which to hide their confused and perky wieners.

Yes, it’s a wonderland, this place. Full of magical hopes, and fantastical dreams wherein girls mack on girls and men get to watch their girls mack on other girls, then go masturbate in the bathroom. Really, quite romantic.

I can’t tell you how fascinated I was. Seriously, I can’t tell you. My oldest daughter reads this blog sometimes, so, you know…

But I digress like a fat kid love cake.

Anyway, one of the focus couples, a seemingly lovely pair from Wisconsin, put a bit of a damper on my…er…fascination. Mostly because the bi-curious wife was butt fugly to the point of obscenity. Had a face like a jigsaw, she did -- nice hair, though, but my sweet Madonna, what a fucking awful pity about that face of hers. Yet…I liked her. She seemed like a fun person, an open-minded lady with a boring life -- kind of like me, actually -- and she had a cute figure on her, I’ll give her that, but I just couldn’t get past that face.

Oh, that face! It is a face that blew up a thousand ships, a face that makes angels cry, then throw rocks and garbage. It totally ruined any….fascination ***ahem*** I may have had with this program. All I kept thinking was “No one in their right mind would dare put their lady parts near that row of garden shears, I don’t care how desperate they may be. No one will want to kiss that picket fence for fear of splinters, no one would want to taste the yellow, smell the tartar, bruise their tender lips -- or worse, have their lips completely ripped off, then swallowed and digested. Would they? Naw…”

But someone did, and I swear on Dorothy Parker’s grave, I gagged. I gagged and looked away as some hottie tongued the massive maw from Hell, I choked on bile when the kissing-clacking-ripping-shredding sounds permeated my being, murdered my very soul.

It was the wrongest thing ever. Wronger than wrong. Wronger than using awkward adjectives like “wrongest” and “wronger.” It was wronglacious.

I turned off the television, then quietly vomited into my teacup.

The moral of this story is a simple one, ladies and gentlemen: The dentist is your friend.

13 Comments:

At 11:09 AM, Anonymous Two Sirius said...

There are no words to convey HOW glad I am that I did not see this.

 
At 12:14 PM, Blogger Alice said...

"...as some hottie tongued the massive maw from Hell, I choked on bile when the kissing-clacking-ripping-shredding sounds permeated my being, murdered my very soul."

My, doesn't that just conjure up the loveliest of images...

There there, Lori. Go have a G&T, and let the kick ass spirit wash away the trauma.

;-)

xxx

 
At 4:58 PM, Blogger kirby said...

Ha! I'm making all future dinner reservations under the name Dr. Julius Bastardo.

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

Lol, that's right up there with my 'oscopy' joke.

Be careful what you wish for... ;)

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger gerry rosser said...

Somehow, I've always been blessedly uninterested in other people's sex lives--so I don't have to worry about seeing awful sights.

On a lighter note, I went to the dentist this week. They like me there. They always comment on how long my ponytail is getting, and look to see if I'm wearing a new pair of Crocs.

 
At 8:55 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ah, Two Sirius, I'm positive you are. ;-)

Alice, last night, I did get into a wee tad of the spirits (beer). It did indeed wash away any residual trauma.

Kirby, good idea. Myself, I like to make reservations under Fifi Gloria Davenport the Fifth -- I'm always guaranteed a lovely table by the bathrooms when I do that.

Blackadder, if the day ever comes when I wish for female lovin', you can bet it won't be with a horse.

Gerry, really? Not even the tiniest bit interested?

What are you -- one of those Disney animatrons? ;-)

 
At 11:20 AM, Anonymous aphid said...

"It is a face that blew up a thousand ships"

It's moments like this that remind me why I enjoy your blog so much. I have to admit I feel a little guilty laughing at how ugly someone is, but I suppose if I looked that messed up I'd prefer "Woah, can I get a picture of those teeth?" to "Oh, that poor, poor woman -- let's pretend not to notice and hope nobody sees us with her."

This is also a good reminder to straight men that girl-on-girl action is often alot dorkier outside of fantasyland.

 
At 2:05 PM, Blogger Justice said...

"...some hottie tongued the massive maw from Hell..."

On the premise that ugly people try harder? I dunno...

 
At 2:08 PM, Blogger Justice said...

"...some hottie tongued the massive maw from Hell..."

On the premise that ugly people try harder? I dunno...

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

This post took me on a wild ride, I must say that.

If my wife were bi-curious, I wouldn't be there to cheer her on, that's for damn sure.

"Honey, have fun. Go find yourself. I'll just be here watching my movies that you hate and drinking the beer that you can't stand the taste of."

:)

 
At 9:44 AM, Blogger eebmore said...

Bi-curious club med for couples: reason # brazilian that I will never get married.

 
At 6:36 AM, Blogger gerry rosser said...

Well, there was a time in my life when I was interested in the sex lives of others. Those others were women I wanted to have sex with but were having there sex elsewhere and wouldn't "do it" with me.
Now, people can diddle donkeys and I don't care. I have an attitude of absolute uncaring tolerance.

 
At 2:48 AM, Blogger Jeanne said...

Lurker coming out of hiding to say, OMG, I saw that, too! Totally agree with you! VH-1 must have thought she was an accurate portrayal of an "average American woman". EEEK! I'm sorry. I feel for the lady. But, if I was ever going to indulge the curiosity, I sure hope it would be more L Word than Go Fish. Watching the L Word makes me want to run off to WeHo and become a lesbian the same way 90210 and Melrose Place made me want to run away and live in LA. The VH-1 show just made me want to run. Period. LOL!

 

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