Tuesday, November 28, 2006

If You Call Me a Cracker, I'll Call You a Fool

Well, Zoechi, you wouldn't be the first person to accuse me of racism because of something innocuous I’ve written, so that must mean that I am, in fact, a racist! Good call, Barney! Oh, and forgive my assumption here, but…

in·noc·u·ous [i nókyoo əss] adj --

1. unlikely to offend: not intended to cause offense or provoke a strong reaction and unlikely to do so

2. harmless: harmless in effect -- an innocuous white powder

Note: That’s “white powder,” not “power,” m’kay, chief?

It is downright despicable, I agree, to find humor in this oftentimes depressing world we all live in. Would you believe I once even made fun of Paris Hilton's hanging, white ass-flaps! And Condi Rice's curious circa 1953 Barbie hairdo -- I particularly enjoyed writing that one. I've hurled insults at Madonna, and yes, even Puff Daddy, er...Shaun Combs Diddy...I mean, PeePee Doody. Whatever. Can’t stand him and his self-loving,lifting-other-people's-work-and-calling-it-original antics.

Some more “racist” statements to make your hair curl (oops, was that a slur?):

Ebonics = Inexplicable “dialect” that makes the user sound like an idiot.

I think illegal aliens are called “illegal aliens” for a very good reason. My great-grandparents immigrated, assimilated, and produced future generations of Americans without cheating and lying and thumbing their noses at our laws. Yes, it was difficult for them, but doing things the right way usually is.

I think Louis Farrakhan is a complete moron with an Allah complex.

I believe that anyone who is at least fifty percent Native American should not be required to pay taxes -- ever. The fact that my husband is part Native American has nothing whatsoever to do with that belief, by the way. Well, okay, maybe a tad…

Many years ago, while some friends and I watched a documentary on a certain tribe in Africa, a people that wear plates in their lips, I laughed so hard, I cried. Sure, we’d smoked a bit of weed that night, but men who look like ducks and clack when they talk tend to make me laugh really hard, anyway.

Drug addicts who keep producing children should be sterilized. And perhaps, anyone named “Whitney Houston.”

Scholarships and/or acceptance into university should be based on the quality of the student’s grades, not the color of his or her skin.

I believe that all people are equal, thus do not believe they should be given special treatment based on race. When one group is given preference regarding jobs and education, kind of makes the word “equal” irrelevant, doesn’t it?

Regarding the workplace, an able-bodied man, black or white, or whatever race, has the advantage over an able-bodied, equally qualified woman.

FYI: Women make approximately eighty cents on every dollar a man makes, despite the fact she often bears total responsibility of child-rearing, household expenses, childcare, etc, due to runaway baby daddies.

“Are We Ready For a Male President?” There’s a headline you won’t ever see.

“President Obama Ends War in Iraq!” And that’s a headline I hope we do see.

I find political correctness to be about as appealing as used toilet paper.

I hate mankind, all of it, and I love it as well. But most of all, I feel very, very sorry for the state of insanity we've settled into -- easily, comfortably, I might add. And that is why I laugh -- so that I don't curl up and cry myself to an early grave.

I laugh because the alternative would be much too easy, and I've never been one to take the easy route.

I strongly suggest you dig in your heels lest you continue on your easy ride down, you fish-eyed fool.

And guess what? I refuse to apologize to any fish-eyed people who may be reading this. People with fish eyes are funny, for Christ's sake!


At 12:27 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

It's really disappointing that you don't have an opinion, Lori, and that you're so damn unfunny.

(If sarcasm should fail to translate, please note it now :)


At 1:31 PM, Blogger gerry rosser said...

I had a fish once, it had wicked eyes, it wanted to eat me, I fed it cockroaches, the really big ones we Floridians call "Palmetto Bugs" so we won't be so afraid of them. I'd trap them in Coke bottles, with the little sugary residue at the bottom. Fishy would hit them like I was trolling with a Kona Head. His name was . . .

Well, that rolled on about as interestingly as the green grape.

I have a lot of ideas that get me in trouble, too (they should, of course, get me a Nobel Peace Prize, but nobody has nominated me). Come to think of it, your list of notions is equally deserving. Maybe we can split the prize.

At 7:52 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

Lori, you are about as much of a racist as Zoechi is an intellectual.

At 10:36 PM, Blogger Justice said...

Speaking of fish eyes, dine with the Navajo who suck the eyes out of the fish before they eat it. If you refuse, they get offended. If you throw up or gag on them, they laugh hysterically at your weak and pathetic self. Or so I once read.

We can find humor in our differences, or we can freak out on them and use them as a rallying cry to kill each other. The latter has gotten old, don't you think? I'm sure our First Nations do...

Incidentally, zoechi, ("...whereas American men wouldn't even be able to run away laughing from being whipped...") American men don't tend to run from whippings - but they get a whole other kind of freak on. Geez.

At 10:45 PM, Anonymous aphid said...

Really, you shouldn't feel the need to reply to trolls; as you know damn well, they're self-reightous ignorant twits with nothing good to say. Why waste your time giving them so much as a spare thought? Wishing death by ballsack suffocation on everyone who's ever insulted me has made me a bitter and nearly constantly angry person . . . don't be like me. Besides, I think overtly politically correct people are just closet bigots themselves who distract from their guilt by pinning the blame on others undeserving of it. It's likely you were just called a cracker by a honky.

At 9:24 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jordan, sarcasm received, sarcasm appreciated. ;-)

Gerry, I can't wait to go to Oslo with you! 50-50 spilt, though, 'cause, y'know, we're EQUAL, you fish-eyed grape stalker.

Editor, I agree! Thanks, dear.

Justice, I couldn't agree more with this: "We can find humor in our differences, or we can freak out on them and use them as a rallying cry to kill each other."

***sigh*** I wish the old saying "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone" were true...

Aphid, I don't think the Z-ster is a troll, really...More like a humorless angry guy who's taking out his frustrations on what he perceives to be any "politically incorrect" person he can find.

I feel kind of bad for him, actually. He must've had some crappy experiences with a few religious rightwing doo-doo heads or something...

At 10:29 AM, Blogger Alice said...

"Many years ago, while some friends and I watched a documentary on a certain tribe in Africa, a people that wear plates in their lips, I laughed so hard, I cried. Sure, we’d smoked a bit of weed that night, but men who look like ducks and clack when they talk tend to make me laugh really hard, anyway. "

God, Lori, you're a tonic.


And God, Zoechi (IF THAT IS EVEN YOU'RE REAL NAME WHICH I DOUBT!...And incidentally, I really do hope it isn't for your sake; it sounds like a name for a tacky ass rash cream), you got served.


At 1:33 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Zoechi actually said, "...ignorant shit..." which makes me laugh because having to say "shit" for lack of a better word in such a serious comment makes her (him?) sound ignorant.

But also, calling one racist, then in the same breath calling one a stupid white redneck, and cracker really seems to tell you what kind of person you're dealing with.

People are funny, when you think about it. t it. tit. I said tit! Huh huh huh.

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Jeni said...

Lori, did you know that if you say Zoechi really fast five times that it sounds like the name of a newly discovered STD? Seriously, WTF is a Zoechi anyway?

Some people actually look for things to be offended by. Personally, I'm offended by people who look for stuff to be offended about. It's a vicious cycle...

Fortunately once one reaches a certain level of maturity and can see past the end of their own nose, they understand that life's too short to be looking for stuff to be offended about.

I agree with what you said in your post 100%. I also agree that you have every right to say whatever you want on your blog without having to explain yourself to some faceless troll who doesn't have the gumption to post their thoughts on a blog out of fear that their personal beliefs might be questioned.

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alice! You're Aaaaaaaliiiiiive!

Good to see you around here, toots.

Jas, I find your tits to be highly amusing.

Jeni, I blame all this hypersensitivity on Michael Richards. That goddamned cracker!

At 3:12 PM, Anonymous daviesgw@rogers.com said...

Holy Carcinoma! The bioelectric (just created the word) energy of your brain here could possibly light up Pyongyang for a night or two.
All the best...
Gary ... the lost blogger

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Gary! Don't be lost, goddammit! Just follow the bioelectric light...Follow the light, Gary...

Miss seeing you around here, big guy.


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