Thursday, June 14, 2007

Sniffing Kittens

STRESS! It’s the pits, lord, yes.

Makes a woman do odd things. Makes an already loopy woman even loopier.

Case in point: A certain someone you all know has been dealing with stress in her usual atypical way -- no overeating for her, no valium jonesing, no nail-bitey, fidgety, explosive ragey shit for this chick. No, this certain someone that you all know, this magnificent, goddess-like albeit kind of stupid (in an endearing way) woman deals with her bottled-up feelings of hate, resentment, sensory overload, and quiet despair by pulling out her eyelashes. At night. When she’s asleep.

Fine, now that you know of whom I am referring, please allow me a moment of tender reflection, a small mental health intermission , before I continue.

Tender Reflection #1: Newborn kittens make me happy. They smell like Necco wafers.

Tender Reflection #2: The first time I was introduced to Godiva chocolates, my tongue actually leapt from my mouth, hopped onto the table, and did an erotic bump and grind.

Tender Reflection #3: The Marie Collander chicken pot pie I ate a few months ago was really, really good.


And now a few seconds of self-pity.

SELF PITY
SELF PITY
SELF PITY


All better now. I shall continue.

So last night I woke up pulling out my goddamned eyelashes, a hideous behavior I thought I’d kicked some two years ago. ‘Course, my stress level has climbed to an all-time high of 17.5 on the Richter-Hades scale, so I shouldn’t be surprised by the return of this abhorrent nighttime OCD thing of mine, but I am repulsed.

Oh, this has SO been a month of cruel, totally not funny jokes….Screw my lashes -- it’s a wonder I haven’t pulled my damn lips off.

Couple-few (charming Dansville, N.Y. colloquialism, “couple-few”) random yet soul-killing thoughts for your dismissal (seriously, please do dismiss them -- I'm just whining out loud here):

I’m so sad that I had to let a dear, dear, DEAR friend down recently…She understands why, but that doesn’t ease my guilt and disappointment.

My guilt and disappointment are exacerbated by my reluctance to learn how to flush the chemo port in my mother’s chest. My brother and I are going in today to watch, listen and learn, and honestly, I’d rather eat a pile of bunny pellets…But it must be done.

I feel like screaming obscenities at my mother, for reasons I shan’t express.

I feel like the worst person that ever walked the face of this godforsaken earth.

I still hate Tim Allen. Why am I thinking about Tim Allen? Well, I don’t know. I just am. And I hate his guts.

I need to sniff a kitten right about now.

6 Comments:

At 12:12 PM, Blogger SamD said...

You are very much NOT the worst person that ever walked the face of this godforsaken earth.

You are a decent caring human going through a lot of crap right now.

EVERY woman wants to scream at her mother and a chemo port ain't gonna change any of the underlying reasons why, so don't you dare feel guilty about THAT.

Swing by the Barnes and Noble for some Godiva and then the grocery for another good pot-pie.

PS Word verification was "HOGMOH" which I love for some strange reason.

 
At 8:12 PM, Blogger gerry rosser said...

I never heard of eyelash pulling.
I liked Tim Allen's stand-up comedy, but his TV show was execrable (I saw it twice while trying to get a woman into bed--it didn't happen). As far as I know, all good stand-up comics do bad TV shows.
You think you got stress!?!? Well, I have a podicarpus on each side of my driveway. One has thrived and prospered. On the other side, I planted the third one today, in about a year and a half. Top that for stress!

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger kirby said...

Odd, isn't it, how when our mom's get sick we end up feeling like screaming at them. I've felt that same way, too. Hang in there.

 
At 7:03 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

Well, sniffing kittens is better than porking livestock. Maybe this little news item from our local paper will cheer you up. Think the kid is Tom DeLay junior?

Security setup records teen sexually abusing barn horse

By Gwyneth Gibby
Gazette-Times reporter

A Corvallis teenager is facing charges of burglary and sexual abuse of an animal after being arrested last week at a barn in northeast Corvallis.

The teenager, 17 at the time of his arrest, was arrested by Deputy Randy Hiner and Corvallis Police Officer Jason Harvey at the barn in the 4000 block of Northeast Minnesota Avenue at about 2:30 a.m. on June 7.

The owners of the property had reported assaults on the horse before, once on July 30, 2006, and again on Feb. 9 of this year. After the July incident, the owners noticed the halter of their mare had been moved. So the owners installed a video surveillance camera inside the barn.

In February 2007, the owners again noticed a halter and some food dishes had been moved in the barn. When they checked the video from the surveillance camera, they saw a male who they estimated being between 16 and 18 years old, sexually assaulting the horse. He wore a jacket and long pants and a baseball cap. They were not able to identify the suspect from the video.

Deputy Clay Stephens, who viewed the video, said the youth seemed very practiced, not hurried but not wasting any time. Stephens said he seemed to be following a “very concise, deliberate, well-thought-out plan.”

After the February incident, the owners installed a silent alarm on the barn. On June 7, at around 2:30 a.m., the alarm sounded in the house. The owners looked at the video monitor and saw the suspect preparing to assault the horse. They called the sheriff’s office. The suspect had gotten into the locked barn by squeezing behind one panel of a sliding door.

The suspect was charged with second degree burglary, a Class C felony, and sexual abuse of an animal, a Class A misdemeanor. He was taken to the Linn-Benton Detention Center where he was arraigned and released later the same day. His next court appearance is a hearing June 20.

 
At 9:55 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Samd, thanks so much for that. (((hug)))

Gerry, you poor, poor darling...Here, have a potpie. And a kick in the throat. ;-)

Kirby, if I give you the address, could you maybe scream a few obscenities for me? No biggie -- just pop your head in the room and yell "DIDDLE-FACED WANKY-DICK!" and then run. Much appreciated. ;-)

Editor, does DeLay have a kid that age???!!! The similarities are striking.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I must go vomit.

 
At 2:52 PM, Blogger Granny said...

My younger son manages the local B&N cafe and buys me Godiva from time to time (when they go on sale of course).

Shame you don't live closer. I have a couple of kittens for you to sniff. You could even take one home with you.

 

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