Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Rambling Thoughts of a Sleepless Ms. Lori

"Wow. I can't believe I'm not sleeping."

"Oh, who am I kidding? Of COURSE I can."

"What is this -- like, the ninety-fifth night in a row? The one hundred and tenth?"

"Larry King sounds like he has a corncob stuck in his windpipe."

"Holy God! Do I have lice?!"

"What if I were to scratch my itchy cheek right now, and my fingers make contact with something leggy and kind of big? Something that feels black?"

Vivid mini-movie of me jumping out of bed and slapping at my own face, spider bits flying everywhere.

"I won't scratch my cheek."

"Lar's nose is whistling WAY too fucking much."

Vivid mini-movie of Lar's nose prancing in a field of wild flowers. It suddenly sprouts two tiny white wings and sails over a meadow, then disappears into a dark, foreboding forest.

"I made the best strawberry shortcake today."


"Okay. Today's gonna be busy. Gotta do the second lice treatments on everyone, gotta clean everything AGAIN. Gotta wash all the bedding, gotta vacuum the furniture, the mattresses. AGAIN."

"I hope the neighbors didn't hear me screaming at my whore vacuum cleaner yesterday."

"I should keep the windows closed when I vacuum."

"My burn hurts. Why, oh, why did I feel it necessary to rest my forearm on the inside door of a 425 degree oven?"

"Because I'm tired, that's why. Unbelievably tired."

"The name 'Jonas Salk' tastes like orange Jujy Fruits and talcum powder."

"I can't believe Lucy crapped in the car."

"See, that's why I prefer cats. Cats do not crap in the car."

"But they do, on occasion, crap by your foot while you're doing dishes at the sink, because they are really, really mad at you."

"Ohmygod! Sapphire is sooooo cute!"

Vivid mini-movie of Sapphire's face floating before me -- no body, just her head. Her cuteness is almost too much to bear, and I bite her on her sweet pink nose.

"Where's my cat? I want my cat!"

"Ah, it's five a.m., and here comes the boy, right on schedule."

"Great. He's picking his nose. I can hear it."

"I shan't sleep a wink."

"There are probably boogers on the sheets now."

"I'm glad the boy is over on Lar's side of the bed."





"I'm outta here, man."


At 1:01 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

We had an eerily similar night of sleep (or lack thereof) minus the booger-picking boy and the cat...but otherwise, almost dead on. Scary.


At 3:34 AM, Anonymous e-blackadder (nuggets) said...

I can't remember the last time I slept... and on behalf of all of us parents, especially those who, thanks to one neglectful parent are STILL to this day forced to put their daughter's hair up and spritz them every morning with preventative spray that costs $10 per... my sympathies. Lice is not only disgusting and horrible to deal with, it's insanely expensive and time-consuming to get rid of. You feel awful and like a bad parent because it got onto your kids, and then it takes forever and a fortune to get rid of.

Blame the shitheads. That's what I did. My kids got it on vacation with their mother, in a hotel in New Hampshire. They got it again when some spaghetti-o mom's kid brought it to school, and to this day the poor kid is still infected because her mother won't accept it. Every month I have to shell out to keep MY kids from getting it again.

It's one of those things that you don't appreciate until you have to deal with it. Hang in there... you'll beat it. Meanwhile, doesn't that cream smell like ass? :-P

At 9:05 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jordan, you think you have lice?!


Nugs, I do believe we have the lice thing under control. I'm thankful for my obsessive cleaning rituals, as they most assuredly prevented infestation to the rest of the family members.

The girl my daughter caught the lice from had it BAD, and it spread to her little brother, who had to have his head shaved due to resistant lice. Good thing those people only have two kids. Me, I had four to worry about, plus my husband and myself, on top of running back and forth to the hospital to see my mother. PLUS, the girl's mother told me she had friends and family helping out with the cleaning and laundry duties.

Yeah, I deserve a fooking medal. ;-)


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