Habitable Planet Discovered in Sanjaya’s Mohawk!
Okay, although the newly discovered planet, 581 c, may not, in fact, be suspended within Sanjaya’s Mohawk, despite the girth of his gigantic, revolving head, not to mention its magical ability to bend the space-time continuum, this is still some kick-ass news.
Earlier this week, astronomers revealed the discovery of 581 c, a thrillingly Earth-like ball of goodness, merely 20 ½ light years away, that appears to have many of the requisite attributes needed to sustain life. It’s only 50% larger than our world (important to note, because too large a planet has too strong a gravitational pull, resulting in massive asteroid attacks, as well as inability to form mountains and continents -- very small planets cannot hold much of an atmosphere, thus causing water to either freeze or boil due to insufficient temperature regulation), has an atmosphere that might possibly be similar to Earth’s, do-si-does with a red dwarf (cooler than our sun, but hey, it's all good, especially due to the star’s proximity), with temperatures varying 34-104 degrees Fahrenheit, which are within conducive range for liquid water.
I’m sure you understand what this means, right?
Mama, Ozzy Osbourne and I are coming home.
In other news, Sanjaya’s Mohawk spontaneously combusted in Washington D.C. hot spot, “WTF?” late Tuesday night, injuring six. Counted among the superficially injured are Paris Hilton, best known for her droopy left eye and infantile behavior, and Katie Couric, who sustained minor scrapes to her gums.