Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Cumorah My House, Cumorah My House…NOT!

Mitt Romney, former Massachusetts governor and devout Mormon, or “Mr. Creepy Pants,” as I like to call him, raked in 23 million buckensqueakers during the first quarter of his campaign drive.

Hillary Clinton, Hollywood darling (but not mine -- I’m an Edwards girl) and domestic goddess cum fashion plate extraordinaire, scored 26 million.

How, you may ask, did Romney, this heretofore barely visible zit on the ass of our rotund and cellulitic political machine, suddenly become a festering, unsightly herpes blister the size of Texas? I’ll tell you how…But not right this second. First, I must digress with three statements, followed by a bunch of hoohah…

1) If you don’t get the pun in this entry‘s title, you’re not only sorely lacking in religious knowledge, you need to brush up on all things Rosemary Clooney.

2) Or perhaps I’m just flexing my impressive talent for obfuscation, as usual.

3) Which is most likely the case.

Where was I? Ah, yes. Tainted pet food. Wait, no, that’s not it. I was talking about Creepy Pod People invading Washington under the guise of moral righteousness and sanctity of Constitutional rights. Yeah, that’s the unbearable ticket.

Why not take a minute and read some of Mr. Romney’s flip-floppy political views? Go on, I’ll wait.

Finished? Well, now, are you ready to don your hairshirt and abstain from Coca Cola? Not yet? How about after you consider these beauts, lifted from Mormon.org:

On homosexuality --

"We want to help these people, to strengthen them, to assist them with their problems and to help them with their difficulties. But we cannot stand idle if they indulge in immoral activity, if they try to uphold and defend and live in a so-called same-sex marriage situation. To permit such would be to make light of the very serious and sacred foundation of God-sanctioned marriage and its very purpose, the rearing of families" (Ensign, Nov. 1998, 71).

On polygamy --

In 1998, President Gordon B. Hinckley made the following statement about the Church's position on plural marriage:
"This Church has nothing whatever to do with those practicing polygamy. They are not members of this Church. . . . If any of our members are found to be practicing plural marriage, they are excommunicated, the most serious penalty the Church can impose. Not only are those so involved in direct violation of the civil law, they are in violation of the law of this Church."

[Yet they add the following. You know, just for the purpose of…Um, I dunno…Why did they add the following?]
At various times, the Lord has commanded His people to practice plural marriage. For example, He gave this command to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, David, and Solomon.

In this dispensation, the Lord commanded some of the early Saints to practice plural marriage. The Prophet Joseph Smith and those closest to him, including Brigham Young and Heber C. Kimball, were challenged by this command, but they obeyed it. Church leaders regulated the practice. Those entering into it had to be authorized to do so, and the marriages had to be performed through the sealing power of the priesthood. In 1890, President Wilford Woodruff received a revelation that the leaders of the Church should cease teaching the practice of plural marriage.

[Of course they don't openly condone plural marriages, but jeepers, their faith is based on King Prophet himself, Joseph Smith's doctrine, and they so love their unvarnished doctrine…Could be why, other than a finger wag and a showy boot-in-the-butt to those Mormons who do practice polygamy, it is rarely prosecuted in Mormon-heavy areas of the United States.]

On curious attitudes toward equality between the sexes:

Gordon B. Hinckley, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said:
"[Women do not hold the priesthood] because the Lord has put it that way. It is part of His program. Women have a very prominent place in this Church. Men hold the priesthood offices of the Church. But women have a tremendous place in this Church. They have their own organization. It was started in 1842 by the Prophet Joseph Smith, called the Relief Society, because its initial purpose was to administer help to those in need. It has grown to be, I think, the largest women's organization in the world with a membership of more than three million. They have their own offices, their own presidency, their own board. That reaches down to the smallest unit of the Church everywhere in the world . . .
"The men hold the priesthood, yes. But my wife is my companion. In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are co-equals in this life in a great enterprise."

[That's nice. Separatism is always nice...]

And finally, just for shits and giggles, on unholy nectar:

Your body is a precious gift from God. To help keep our bodies and our minds healthy and strong, God gave a law of health to Joseph Smith in 1833. This law is known as the Word of Wisdom.
In addition to emphasizing the benefits of proper eating and physical and spiritual health, God has spoken against the use of:
Coffee and tea.
Illegal drugs.
God promises great physical and spiritual blessings to those who follow the Word of Wisdom. Today, the scientific community promotes some of the same principles that a loving God gave to Joseph Smith nearly two centuries ago.

[Why that evil, EVIL Jesus, turning water into a Satanic love potion! And I didn't realize that Folgers was the gateway to Hell! Really, I had no clue!]

Shall I go on and on…And on, and on…? Nah, I didn’t think so.

Suffice it to say, I would break down and cry like baby Jesus if, God forbid, Romney somehow won the presidential elections, then decided to ban Folgers Crystals, Broadway shows, and monogamous marriage.

Oh, and the answer to my original question is this (bet you thought I'd forgotten, eh?): Powerful yet desperate corporations and Evangelicals who have a lot of money but no feasible Baptist candidates, and figure to themselves that it's better to have a homophobic, flip-flopping, Mr. Creepy Pants in office than no pious, special interest-sucking, crony-loving asshole at all.


At 2:09 PM, Blogger Rabbitch said...

I think you should come over to my house and we could have a quart or two of Satanic Slurpees and then go out and get married. Or maybe knit something god-forsaken.

You in?

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Baby, I am so there.

And could you wear that sweet hand-knit lesbian outfit of yours I love so much? ;-)

At 8:34 PM, Blogger Granny said...

I'm leaning toward Bill Richardson even though I know he doesn't stand a chance. Not pretty enough. I'd be okay with Edwards too.

Or even an old "yaller dog" as long as he wasn't GWB.

Romney is in disfavor with some of the fundies. They view the Latter Day Saints as a cult and are sure the members are hell bound.

At 9:27 PM, Blogger Rabbitch said...

I'm not sure how to hand-knit a lesbian but I'm more than willing to try.


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