Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Apparently, Porn Stars Age in Dog Years


















This is Jenna Jameson, age 32. If you're curious to see what mange may do to human beings, please click on picture.

Let this be a lesson to those of you who are aspiring porn stars.

Awesome. Now that I've provided my monthly public service announcement, I'll write the post I originally came here to write before being distracted by Old Yeller...

Um. Books. Had to do with books...Old books? Yellow books? Shit.

Old books that give excellent head?

Wait, hang on...REVIEWING books! Yeah, I'll be reviewing a couple of books in the near future. Been a while. Too long of a while.

I've turned down quite a few books during the past year due to my inability to concentrate on any text other than my weekly grocery list. The last time I promised a review, I read maybe 1/4 of the book, then gave up like the heathen I am. Guilt ensued. Terrible guilt that haunted my dreams and made me feel even more incapable than usual. So I thought it best to stop accepting books until I felt I could make good on my promises. It's only right.

First book up for review will be "Mommy Millionaire" by Kim Lavine. Received it yesterday from St. Martin's Press, flipped through it, and liked the easy-to-follow format and friendly tone. So, gawd willing, that'll be posted sometime before my firstborn is married. I kid. Maybe.

The second book is one that I've been dying to read for ages now -- Ellen Meister's "Secret Confessions of the Applewood PTA." This is the first book I've ordered off of Amazon (or purchased anywhere, for that matter) in centuries. Was supposed to be ordering some book that my shrink suggested I read, but upon perusing the descriptions and sample pages, became turned off by the "goodness gracious, you are special, and are in fact god-like for becoming overwhelmed by lights, noises and smells that normal folks don't notice at all! Yes, it's true, Special Person, your discomfort with humans and inability to swing with the status quo is fantabulously fabulous! You, Special God-Like and Better Than Everyone Else Person, are not a freak, but a special god-like being who, although shunned and misunderstood by the general population, is special! And did we mention god-like? " ca-ca feel I got.

Okay, I'm embellishing a bit here, but the fact is, I hate goopy "feel-good" self-help books that do not address issues, but merely skirt them with tulle and tie it all up in silk ribbon. Screw that, man. I know I'm weird, I know what my problems are, I know that my brain is wired differently than most, and to believe for even one second that the difficulties I face on a daily basis are anything other than distressing and embarrassing, not to mention incurable, would be delusional. I refuse to waste twenty-five smackenheimers on fluff and circumstance.

So I ordered Ms. Meister's book instead.

And then I ate a large ham sandwich with swiss, mayo, mustard, lettuce and tomato. It was a good day.

5 Comments:

At 7:25 AM, Blogger Ellen said...

Thanks for ordering my book! And I hearby swear that it contains not one paragraph that will try to convince you're special. It might, however, try to lure you away from the ham sandwich toward pastrami on some nice fresh rye with maybe a knish. Hope you like it!
xo

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger SamD said...

" I hate goopy 'feel-good' self-help books that do not address issues, but merely skirt them with tulle and tie it all up in silk ribbon. Screw that, man."

Aw, I knew I dug you for a reason!
I'm totally with you on that sentiment, lemmetellya...and am intrigued enough by the books to put them on my "google it" list.

Keep fighting the good fight...

Hugs,

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Fallen Star said...

I have been seeing a shrink for about 18 months. I keep thinking (hoping) I will become a better person: loveable, funnier, fewer anixety wrinkles, sexier, more interesting, better read, more tolerant, sexier, ...

Like you, I know what is wrong, but no amount of medication or psychotherapy seems to do it.

So today I say, "Fuck it, world!"

Love,
ME

 
At 8:38 AM, Blogger gerry rosser said...

Self-help books, to me, are like those get-rich-quick infomercials, intended solely to enrich the writer/infomercialer.

Here's my self-help advice: Stop telling yourself (I don't mean you in particular--this is the generic, universal "you")you are unhappy. If you tell yourself you are unhappy, you will always be right.

 
At 10:26 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ellen, pastrami? How exotic! ;-)

Samd, I shall. Until my last, dying, pastrami-scented breath, I shall.

Fallen Star, I enjoy throwing peanut shells at my shrink. She loves it!

Gerry, I agree. As my mentor Forrest Gump always says: "Sadness is like a bag of used cat litter; you don't know how bad it smells until you open it up."

 

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