One Whipped Mother

Ten Random Facts About Me That Might Make You Wonder About My Sanity

Tagged by the lovely and talented,
JCE, whose intimidating looks are deceiving. I mean, c’mon, he likes Teddy bears.

1) I used to be obsessed with Pink Floyd’s “The Wall,” wore out the vinyl, two tapes, and one VHS. It depressed me, delighted me, and made me do bad things. I think I’m over it now.

2) I bear a ridiculous, lifelong hatred for Lucy Van Pelt from The Peanuts. That bitch represents every kid who ever insulted me, snubbed me, backstabbed me, and spit milk & cookies on me for no reason other than I was weird. Fuck you, Lucy Van Pelt!

3) I love the word “me.” Tastes like Swanson’s Chicken Pot Pie.

4) I honestly believe that aliens have been visiting us for a long, long time, and will make themselves and their intentions known within the next twenty years. I’m so psyched. Perhaps psycho as well.

5) I once had a strange experience while staying overnight at my mother's. Think I was nineteen or so, was trying to sleep on her couch, but couldn’t, and as I was about to get up, light a cigarette and turn on the TV -- the moment I was about to open my eyes -- I felt an intense presence, something right in front of my face. I kept my eyes closed, too terrified to confront whatever it was, but as the seconds passed, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Also, I felt like a dick…So I slowly, slowly opened my eyes just a crack, and for a split second, there before me, illuminated by the streetlamp outside, was a black, chiffon-like scarf thing, balled up. Yeah, a scarf. Was approximately the size of a man’s fist, hovering right there in my face, maybe six inches away. It was moving in a most unusual way, sort of undulating, turning inside and out in a repetitive motion, while at the same time spinning in place. There were parts of it that were blacker than black, dense, and others that were not quite opaque, but not see-through either.

I did what anyone else would do in that situation -- I closed my eyes tight and thought to myself that I must have lost my mind. I figured I should probably get the hell out of there but quick, and as I was about to jump from the couch and go crying to Mama, the thing -- something -- whooshed into my neck, right where the indentation is at the top of the clavicle, then exited out the back of my neck. Knocked the breath out of me, it did. Felt like a gush of Arctic air, only worse. So I lay there, out of breath, terrified, confused, chilled to the bone. The icy feeling seeped into my chest, went down into my gut, and I just could not move or open my eyes for fear of seeing that scarf thing again. I waited what seemed at least ten minutes, and when I was satisfied that the thing really was gone, I got up, turned on every light in the room, the TV, and sat smoking cigarettes until morning. The icy chill lasted for about a half an hour.

6) I woke up this morning to a huge box of Godiva chocolates (with a cute little rose keychain on top) and a big-ass heart-shaped box of Russell Stovers. I couldn’t be more happy.

7) It’s been years since I’ve seen a live band. My life is that much poorer for it.

8) Molly Ringwald is currently playing the lead in “Sweet Charity,” which will be coming to Rochester soon. I like Molly, but she’s no Shirley MacLaine. I may go, just so I can experience “Big Spender” live.

Look, I saw Jerry Lewis in “Damn Yankees” for the sole reason of experiencing “Whatever Lola Wants.”

Apparently, I connect with whores on some odd level.

9) I like Nancy Grace, and I’m sure she’s a nice lady and all, but whenever I watch her show, I feel an unpleasant urge to yell obscenities. Why is that?

10) I’m eating buttered toast right now, and I don‘t feel well.

The End.

posted by Ms. Lori @ 8:56 AM