Sunday, July 30, 2006

My Husband is a Strange and Awesome Being From Planet Tool

So last night Lar and I were hanging with his business partner, Dack Smackler, and his adorable wife, Dusky Monroe, having a few beers, some munchies (oh, my God, you must try Cape Cod Potato Chips! Divine!), and we were having a grand time laughing, talking, just goofing on one another and enjoying every adult‘s favorite party game, Age Regression, a.k.a., Insult Your Significant Other. It was apparent early on in the evening that Dusky and I would win the most points in the Goof Off, much to the chagrin of our husbands, which is a beautiful, beautiful thing, let me tell you. Were I ever to lose face in a name-calling contest, I might just end it all right then and there. Anyway.

We were having a great time, a relaxing, stupid, much-needed evening of idiotic banter and lovely refreshments -- that is, until Lar, who is not known for his witty comebacks, put a damper on the party by confusing all involved with this little gem: “Oh, yeah, Lori? Well, you…You’re a…You…You’re a CORN-HATING WHITE WOMAN!”

The silence at the table was deafening.

Dusky, obviously embarrassed for my husband, managed a weak smile, a small twitter, then politely averted her eyes and focused intently on her cocktail. Dack slithered from the room on the pretense of checking on the kids. Me, I just stared at Lar, my feelings wildly fluctuating from humiliation, empathy, and disgust to sorrow, pity, and finally, hatred.

Good Lord, what have I married?

ADDENDUM: My friend, the fabulous Ms. Jordan Rosenfeld, is looking for “overheards,” as in amusing snippets of conversations that you or someone you know overheard -- if you‘ve something to share, visit Jordan's blog for details.


At 12:09 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Is that "corn" as in "I have corns on my feet" or "corn" as in "pigs are fed corn." What's that all about?

At 2:44 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

Lar was just being clever. "Corn-hating white woman" is an anagram for "Chinatown-taming whore."

At 12:54 AM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

Cheer up, we all have bad decision-making skills...

Ex wife mk. II asked me where Brazilian women came from, and how long does it take to drive to England.

You're getting off light, you corn-hater. ;)


At 5:40 AM, Blogger Alice said...

"Good Lord, what have I married?"

A man.

A real, unadulterated, as he is, no extra features attached, 100% hunk of complete, idiotic, insufferable male.

~ Congratulations.

;-) xxx

At 7:05 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

For some reason, when men and women are dating, everything he says is golden. But when they get married, he is suddenly an idiot who shouldn't speak.

I say this from experience. Apparently I also became real, unadulterated, as-he-is, no extra features attached, 100% hunk of complete, idiotic, insufferable male the moment I married my wife, because I seem to have fallen into those situations quite a few times myself.

That's why I now choose never to speak when I am with my wife around other people! My brain is evidently not clever enough for spur of the moment jokes. I just sit there silently and eat chips instead.

At 11:36 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Stephanie, it is a mystery -- one that's kept me awake at night, truth be told.

Editor, OOOOOOOh, of COURSE! Thank you for the clarification. I feel *much* better now. ;-)

Blackadder, dear sweet Jesus, how did you survive that woman?!

P.S. I like corn.

Alice, ahhhh, but what would we do without them, though, eh?

Probably embrace our sanity once again. ;-)

Jas, you are so NOT an idiot! No way, no how. Lar isn't either, but, well...Sometimes he frightens me...

I have a feeling you'd be great fun at one of our parties.


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