Thursday, July 13, 2006

Yeah, I Got Your Kutcher Right HERE!

Quick post today -- office is still hotter than Satan’s ballsack, so I’ll keep this short and sweet before I get to the point where my hair melts and my frontal lobe liquefies, and my mouth turns down into a hideous, permanent grimace, etc., etc...

I dreamt last night that I was meeting some friends at a local bar, and while entering the establishment, I was startled by a large, perfectly manicured hand that had appeared out of nowhere and clasped onto my own as I pushed the door handle. I spun around and found myself staring into the eyes of none other than Ashton Kutcher, famed paramour-now-husband of Demi Moore.


Coochie-coochie coo!













My first thought was, “Heavens to Betsy! Isn’t he a lovely young man!” and my second, immediately after he pulled me into his arms and slung me over his shoulder was, “Not my type, but lordylordGOD, please don’t let the kids wake me now.”

Ashton and I moved through the crowd, me cradled against his chest as he whispered sweet nothings in my ear (“Your pasta sauce makes my tongue tremble,” and “Gosh, your potato salad totally rocks”), and I was so overcome with lust, I began sucking on his chin, much to the delight of onlookers. Now, I don’t quite get why I would suck on the man’s chin rather than his luscious lippage, but suffice to say, it was an incredibly pleasurable experience.

Anyway, we finally found my friends, all of them hooting and hollering as we neared their table, and I suddenly got the urge to yell “Look, ladies! I got me a Kutcher!”

I woke, unfortunately, to the sounds of my son slurping a Jolly Rancher lollipop, which he then accidentally dropped into my hair. Not sure which one of us was more upset, really.

11 Comments:

At 11:53 AM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Ahhh parenthood. I just love waking up out of a sound sleep and looking into the eyes of my li'l smooth operator... six inches from my own!

Aaaaugh!!!

 
At 1:41 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

The question is, was it the Jolly Rancher-slurping that inspired the dream, or was it the dream that inspired the Jolly Rancher-slurping (and dropping)?

Either way, consider yourself lucky your dream was so rudely interrupted: "Ashton Kutcher" is just an anagram for "Rotten sack, huh?"

 
At 1:51 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jas, just once, I would love to awaken to a beam of sunshine instead of two little eyes boring a hole in my forehead. ;-) Aw, they're so darn cute, though...

Editor, true, the boy doesn't do a thing for me, but in dreams...Well, I'm sure you've had a few where you're canoodling with Ann Coulter, or perhaps Laura Bush, right?

Ew. I just made myself ill...

 
At 3:19 PM, Blogger Rotting Dead said...

Well at least it was a Jolly Rancher brand lollipop and not a half eaten tootie pop which can be so messy...:-)

Anyway, I have obviously been super busy with the new baby, but I have finally posted a new review. Check it out when you get a chance.

Take Care,

 
At 11:11 PM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

Lol @ 'canoodling.'

I have that same problem with Jessica Alba and my daughters... it's almost as if they can sense when Jessica and I are about to get snuggly on the abandoned beach and decide to wake me up to settle a 4:00 am argument instead. :P

(ps- ta for the thoughts. I'll get by, I always do. Life is up, life is down. Sooner or later it all evens out).

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

No sooner do I say that, than one of the coolest effing things that has ever happened to me in my effing life effing happens.

Gawd, you gotta love karma. :)

 
At 8:30 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ah, Mr. Rotting New Daddy! ;-) Good to see you among the, er, living! I'll be visiting you soonishly, dear.

Blackadder, Glad to hear things are looking up for you! Woo hoo! Drinks are on you! ;-) What's the good news, man?

 
At 1:06 AM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

Christ, you wouldn't believe it.

First, I get a little unexpected money. Not a shitload, but enough to keep the USS MY FAMILY afloat for a little while.

Then, and this is the cool bit...

I google my name last night, for fun. I try and do it every few months, just to see where my writing is ending up and if I'm getting screwed. ANYHOO, I find this one website I've never heard of, that has one of my stories posted without my knowledge. I click the link. Not only have they posted my story without my knowledge, they've done this cliff notes effing hatchet job on it with post-scripts and stuff. I'm frigging livid. THEN I go to the home page, not just the story page, and...

Turns out it's some website dedicated to teaching people English as a second language. MY GODDAMNED STORY is being used as a teaching tool for immigrants. There are people, currently floating here from Cuba on innertubes, that will be asking me if I want fries with that 10 years from now, clearly and concisely, because they learned English from MY frigging story.

It's one of the coolest moments I've ever had as a writer. :)

 
At 10:41 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Muy fresco, Blackadder! Must've been a strange yet proud moment to discover that. And congrats on the unexpected bucks! Now go getcher six-pack and relax for a moment -- you deserve it!

 
At 6:59 PM, Blogger Professor said...

why do they always know when to wake up? NOT!

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ah, Professor, 'tis one of the great mysteries of life...

 

Post a Comment

<< Home