Tuesday, June 27, 2006

My Brain Smells Like Roasted Karma

Goodness, but it is freaking HOT here in my office, so hot, my hair actually melted yesterday while writing a post. Upon publishing and rereading said post, I then realized, to my horror, that due to the ungodly heat and humidity, my frontal lobe partially liquified as well. The post, as you can probably imagine, sucked swine testicles.

Apparently, one cannot write in a coherent manner when one’s frontal lobe is oozing out one’s left nostril -- shocking, I know.

So I immediately deleted the twatacious entry, gathered my hair in a plastic cup, ran downstairs to the air conditioned kitchen, and wept copious amounts of brain matter-laced tears into a tall, cool glass of iced hooch (does that answer your question, sweet Alexis?).

I have attempted to write something entertaining, really I have. For days and days, I sat up here and typed through the blinding, suffocating, disgusting, retarded, asthma-inducing squalor of my windowless, fan-less office, and produced nothing but swill.

So here we are, me in my once again sweltering box of hell, perspiration dripping from beneath my breasts and pooling into my lap, you reading the unfortunate offerings of a melting halfwit.

And for that, I am truly sorry.


At 6:38 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

You always have my undying loyalty, Lori. As an avid worshipper of every letter you type, I can only say...



At 8:55 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Gosh, I have the same problem with my office. It pretty easily reaches 100 degrees with no air circulation. Enough to make a sane woman mad!

At 9:23 PM, Blogger e-blackadder said...

Take a ride to Wal-Mart kiddo, stay there about an hour. You'll be back in cynical-mode in no time. ;)

At 5:00 AM, Blogger Granny said...

I feel for you. We sat at 105 for almost a week. It's dropped to the low 100's now.

At 5:21 AM, Blogger Alice said...

"...you reading the unfortunate offerings of a melting halfwit."

Yeah, but we still love you.


Seriously, though, Lori, it'd take a lot more than that to put me, such a loyal, admiring fan and indeed, friend, off.

So you keep typing "swill".

I'll be here.

Eagerly lapping up every last drop.

*hugs* xxx

Now shut up about writing crap or I'll slam you with 42 pages of my book.

Don't think I won't, by the way. Redneck Nerdboy called my bluff and he's still suffering the consequences...

At 6:44 AM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Wow...I thought I was the only loser without central air. But...in a warped way I like all this sweatiness...makes me look really skinny...but actually fuck that I hate sweat...it makes my inner thighs and butt pimply! Ok...enough bout me...UR so funny...even your crap is great...and I didnt think u ever got brain cramps. I love you Cupcake! XXOO Buttercup

At 12:52 PM, Blogger Editor at Large said...

Ms. Lori, your "swill" is better than most people's caviar. You're hot even when the weather's not.

Hey, legion of Ms. Lori fans: let's take up a collection and buy her a real fan for her office, so she can write in the cool comfort she deserves! Anyone out there know how to set up a PayPal tip jar?

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Editor - I'm in! [counting pennies and nickles]

At 5:20 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

Kisses Ms. Lori - nothing sucks more that boob sweat.

At 9:20 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jas, thanks for that. Luv you!

Oh, Stephanie, I AM mad -- and I was never all that sane to begin with, so you can imagine...

Blackadder, I would welcome a trip to Wal-Mart. But the kids would have to come along...NOT THE KIDS! Nightmare city.

Ew, Ann. But is it a dry heat? I absolutely loathe humidity.

Dear Alice, how I adore you.

Leenie, we do have central air, but not in the new addition or in my attic office. I had a fan, but it broke a couple of weeks ago. My writing comfort is low on the totem pole, unfortunately, so I may be waiting awhile...WHA!

Love you, Buttercup.

Editor, you are so kind and so wonderful and so editorish to suggest a PayPal jar! I appreciate the sweet thought, but I'd like to postpone the tip jar until I need my first face lift. ;-)

Jas, keep saving those nickles, hunny (see above).

Alexis, why must boobs sweat? Why is the sky blue? What makes wind?



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