Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Importance of Proper Grammar

So the other day I was busy with housework, vacuuming, dusting, doing laundry, wiping cocaine from the counters -- you know, the usual -- when my boy asked me when he could go out to play. I told him that if he helped by picking up his toys, we could go out faster. Yes, terrible grammar on my part, but crack does that to a person, you realize...Anyway, my four-year-old boy, my angel, my darling phlump-nosed chicken wieners said this in response:

"No, Mommy, you're a bastard!"

Well, let me tell you, I nearly dropped my bottle of Absolut.

I was, of course, thoroughly confused as to how my son thought I'd called him a bastard when all I said was "If you pick up your toys, we can go out faster."

Did he think I'd said, "If you pick up your toys, we can go out, you bastard"? Why would he believe such a horrible thing? I've never, and I mean never called him such a terrible name. My vacuum cleaner, yes, my son, certainly not. My boy is a phlump, a Butler, a chicken wiener, a creamy white bunch of bread dough, but never a bastard.

"Sweetie, no, honey, you misunderstood -- I said that we can go out faster if you help pick up your toys."

"You're a bastard! YOU are, Mommy!"

"Angel pie! Listen to me -- I said we can go out faster! FASTER, I say!

"BASTARD! BIG MOMMY BASTARD!"

"Brandon, son, listen to Mommy..."

And on and on it went until I finally gave up, kicked my whore of a vacuum cleaner to the corner, and swept my boy out into the warm sun.

12 Comments:

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Granny said...

I hear some unusual word from the girls too - so far directed at each other, not me.

Where do they learn it!!

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

Hilarious. My Mom once told me to "call that fucker in for dinner" referring to my Dad. So I screamed "Come in for dinner fucker!".

My Dad practically left a vapour trail he ran so fast to spank me.

Ah, childhood. x

 
At 3:27 PM, Blogger Angie said...

Kids. They constantly amuse me. :)

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

Oh, dear! Someday long after his cute weiner phlumpness has worn off, he'll call you something nasty that is undeserved and you'll be glad for that 'bastard' line, even if you didn't actually say it.

xo
J

 
At 12:31 AM, Blogger Alena said...

That's hilarious!

 
At 12:50 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Yeah. My li'l smooth operator learned the word Shit from a friend of ours who was pissed off one day.

~sigh~

Why don't we just teach them all the bad words we know, then they can just get it out of their systems... no, that won't work.

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

wiping cocaine from the counters...almost dropped my bottle of Absolute...kicked my whore vacuum cleaner...HAHAHA...so funny!! And little Brandon. Is he fiesty or what?! When he thought u called him a Bastard he did't tear up and cry...he stood up and fought for his dignity! Brandon means He who is skilled at brandishing a sword. Love u, Buttercup

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

That kills. You should have said "No honey, DADDY is abastard, Mommy is a..." No wait...no no no BAD David.

Sorry for the long absence folks, but I lost my job last week, and I'm still both reeling and madly searching for a new one... (sigh). Life goes on.

D

 
At 4:06 PM, Anonymous Anne said...

You killed Kenny!!

Sorry, couldn't resist.

 
At 9:27 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Yay! I can comment here again!

...Damnit. someone used the South Park joke before me.

*pouts*

Anyhow, hi. How's the "keboad"?

;-)

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ann, certainly not from *you*!

Alexis, your mother sounds like a lovely woman. I must have her over for dinner some day -- and she can call the men to the table.

Angie, kids *are* amusing, yet I still feel like bashing my face into the wall every single day.

Oh, Jordan, should that ever happen, my son would find himself with no lips, as I would promptly rip them from his face.

Alena, glad you enjoyed!

Jas, I am constantly hushing myself around the boy...Sometimes, it's just too damn hard to control the F-bombs, though. I LOVE the F-word. Tasty good!

Leenie, my boy takes no crap, but he's a good little guy most of the time. The bastid. ;-)

David, I'm so, so sorry about your job. May you find your dream position soon.

Oh, and I refer to Lar as "fathead," and occasionally "Mary," depending on my mood.

Anne, RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!

Alice, what is WITH Blogger lately, anyway? ARGH! ***fuming hatred***

Glad it's working for you now!

My keboad is lovely, thank you. Wish I had more time to use it...Damned busy end-of-school days keep me from writing as much as I'd like.

 
At 11:46 AM, Blogger Professor said...

Where does this come from? Brand is a doll- I love his little courage. (As a mother of a son, I know why you need to coke and the absolut...)

 

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