Tuesday, April 25, 2006

You Can Call Me Crissy

Apparently, I’ve been approaching the publishing industry all wrong. As Harvard undergrad, Kaavya Viswanathan, has shown, all one needs to do in order to snag a $500,000 advance for a first novel is:

14) Acquire a snazzy, exotic-sounding name
Z) Be, like, really, really young
3) Be, like, totally pretty and shit





E) Write uninspiring juvie dreck with a lot of gum-snapping and “omigod!” moments
5) Steal most of the above from someone else’s work.

So, this old dog has been taught a few very stupid tricks. In accordance with Ms. Viswanathan’s most awesome flim-flammy flamitude, I:

34) Changed my name to Chrysanthemum Vulva
2) Doctored my birth certificate so that it appears as if I were born on the same day as Dora the Explorer
3) Already had it going on
7) Began novel with this paragraph: "I like lipgloss. Boys are cool, but they're kind of stupid. Anyway, my best friend, Apple Fritter, and I went to the mall the other day, and we rolled our eyes a lot at the totally stupid vampires walking around. I go, "Apple, what is up with all the vampires today?" and she goes, "I dunno, dude. This is so not cool." And so I go, "We should probably leave before they start attacking and stuff."
(This is going to be difficult, as I am only capable of producing literary diamonds, but for half a mil, I’ll sure as hell give it the ol’ college try)
5) Got my Danielle Steele and Laurell K. Hamilton at the ready

Oh my, I can already smell the ink on my soon-to-be issued $500,000 check...

Thanks, Kaavie. I owe you big time.

35 Comments:

At 9:33 AM, Blogger keef said...

When I first read about this, I thought, "Oh, it looks so miniscule. I'll bet that it was just a mistake, like she read the book and the phrase was rattling around in her head." You know, like when Anne Frank plagiarized that children's book. However, when I read that there were more than a dozen such passages, and I read the passages side-by-side, it became clear that she's a horrible, horrible person and that people like you and I deserve a go at it way more than she apparently did.

 
At 9:57 AM, Blogger Myfanwy Collins said...

Chrysanthemum Vulva!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You rock my world.

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Granny said...

Good morning. My life was not complete before I heard of that person whoever she is.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Keef, all due respect, my brother, but Anne plagiarized? Hmmm. Are you perhaps thinking of the asinine and cruel "hoax" thing dreamt up by some anti-Semitic fuckwads who claimed that Anne's father forged the documents? As you know, Anne Frank, bless her sweet soul, was an innocent child living in hell who journaled her innermost thoughts as a way to cope with the horrors of that hell. If she did indeed "plagiarize" I doubt she anticipated her diaries garnering a $500,000 advance.

Kavvie, on the other hand, is an asshole. So, no comparison there.

And, yes, we *do* deserve a go at it, and we may well accomplish our goals by following Kaavie's example. Good luck!

And you mine, dear Myfanwy.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Ann, I'm sure Kaavie will be pleased to know that she helped make your life complete. As you can see, she's such a kind and giving soul. ;-)

 
At 10:23 AM, Blogger Alena said...

God, I guess I COULD totally write a book, then. I just have to adopt a pseudo-persona. Sweet.

 
At 10:29 AM, Blogger Victor said...

I'm as disgusted by this dumbass as the rest of us but it gets better.

Lori Jareo, a writer of fanfiction, has decided to not only write a book based on the "Star Wars" world but list and sell it on Amazon. At what point do you take a sip of coffee and think, "oh wait maybe that's not such a good idea".

I normally wake up in a pretty good mood but this shit just sets me off.

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger Stephanie said...

When I saw this article yesterday, I was angry, but not surprised.

I mean, if it's unintentional, then she's the least reflective person in the universe.

If it's intentional, then she's a total idiot.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Well, heck (and Hi everybody, was out at King's Dominion Sunday and out FROM it on Monday) (It's a theme park).

This is sad, and it's actually a pretty good insight into how things are working badly in publishing...that this flopsymopsy no-brain girlfic is trendy I can live with, but to COPY IT? (Christ) I mean, that's like someone trying to make a hit song by changing the title to Blue Suede Shoes ...

"You can take my dinero,
Abscond with my volvo,
Stick my silly ass in the door of
Revolvo,
You can do anything that your little heart pleases,
Just don't come off and talk to me 'bout no love o' Jesus...
And don't you...step on my ostrich skin Tony llama sapatos..."

By VISEL LERPSEY...

DNW

 
At 11:06 AM, Blogger Jordan E. Rosenfeld said...

As usual you are my idol. Not my American Idol, my vaginal idol, which sounds far more perverted than I mean it.

While on that subject, have you ever imagined the marketing meeting for the product "vagisil"... Did these guys actually shake hands at the end of the day and say, "Great product title! Work well done gents. Now let us go and stroke our penises and be grateful we don't ever have to use a product named "penisil."

I'm voting that they should change the name to: 'cuntosporin.'

Oh dear. I have run off again, haven't I?

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alena, Anastasia Beaverhousen. 'Nuff said. ;-)

Victor, I read about that Star Wars fan-fic jerk. Still shaking my head. Hope she gets a big fat light saber stuffed up her choo-choo.

Stephanie, I think we writers have all, at one time or another, subconsciously taken from our favorite authors -- a quirky adjective here, a bit of imitative style there, but *whole paragraphs*? Identical thoughts? Some "cleverly" rearranged, of course. I'm assuming the young woman isn't all that well-read, which, imo, makes for even more doubt as to her "unintentional" plagiarism. When one has read millions of words, there's more of a likelihood that unintentional similarities might emerge in one's work, but for someone whose literary diet must've been sparse in comparison? Yeah, I'll go the total idiot route here. ;-)

 
At 11:11 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

David, I'm sorry, but what the hell did you just say? ;-) ;-) ;-)

Jordan, "Now let us go and stroke our penises and be grateful we don't ever have to use a product named "penisil."

LOL! My vagina bows to your Penisil.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

EXACTLY!

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Alice said...

Ah: Love the smell of tearing into stupid, ludicrously rich, over-entitled, plagerising bitches in the morning...

...Y'know, of the two, I'd rather be penniless and still have morals, talent (such as it is) and brains than be stinking rich and have none of the above.


- Or maybe that's just me?

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

Miz Lori,

You remember a while back when those two women (We used to call them the Doublemint Twins) - Dawn and Suzy wrote a book and it turned out that Dean Koontz really wrote it? (heh). I used to have an authographed copy of it somewhere...

D

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger Stephanie said...

Penisil!

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger leenie71689 said...

Hi Cupcake! Like, I am so totally with you on this. I mean, this is like sooooo uncool. She is like a total skank ho...and like oh, ma gawd what is the name of her publisha bicuz my brain is like totally loaded with lile really interestin thins...

By the way Cuppie...what does Penasil do? Is it a cream that gives horrible jock itch because I am still PMSing really bad and want someone else in my house to feel as miserable as me...

Also, I'm your biggest fan. You're my idol - I'd follow you to hell and back - even if you were farting the whole way and kiss your ass even if it was gushing diareah. XXXOOOE

 
At 2:46 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

I've come to the conclusion that I will never get published, even though lots of people have read my work and tell me that I should.

It's just so damn competitive that it's not really worth the trouble unless you're ready to really do a LOT of selling. And I'm a writer, not a salesman.

Oh well. I self-published the one I have and am ready to self-publish the trilogy. Maybe my grandchildred will get a kick out of reading what I wrote someday!

 
At 2:49 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

And Leenie? That's so like, totally disgusting! I was eating lunch, but now I think I'll just curl up in a fetal position under my desk and whimper!

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Katie said...

I adore you, Chrysanthemum Vulva!! I will buy every book your young beautifully hip hands can churn out.

 
At 9:00 PM, Blogger keef said...

FUCK

I meant Helen Keller. I blame the drugs.

 
At 9:59 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alice, you do have brains -- and talent! -- so be proud, sister. Be proud. Plus, you're British, so you have that innate coolness factor. ;-) Which reminds me...Why haven't you sent me the rest of your story????

David, Doublemint Twins?! A book? Ghost-written by Dean Koontz?!!!!!!!

I must hear more detail.

Stephanie: Weinerblotz!

Leenie, ohmigod. Seriously, like, OHMIGOD! You're so freaking GROSS and shit and stuff. But that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I cry with love.

Jas, you are an amazing writer. I don't say that very often, but you really are. If you pushed your stuff harder, made more of an effort to get it published, BELIEVED in yourself more, I'm positive you'd be successful. Your writing reminds me of Alice Hoffman's quite a bit (who I love, love, love). Plus, some of your stuff gave me a tremendous hard-on -- BIG plus in my book. ;-)

Katie! Love to see you here. I know you're busy as hell, but I miss you! (Film goddess that you are.)

Keef, s'okay, man. You FREAK! ;-)

 
At 4:51 AM, Blogger Alice said...

Done, and done.

Sent it to you in an email.

Good luck, my child. Don't forget to make a quick sign of the cross for good measure before opening...

;-)

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said...

The book by Suzy Hartzel and Dawn Dunn under the pseudonymn Pauline Dunn was "Demonic Color" and was found later on -- post publication -- to have long, verbatim prose bits from Dean Koontz. I can't remember which of his novels was plagierized. It was a pretty big deal for a short time. At one point I had an autographed copy from both ladies, and was trying to get Dean to autograph it too (lol). No go.

D

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger Redneck Nerdboy! said...

I gave YOU a hard on? Damn.

 
At 2:59 AM, Anonymous crass monkey said...

kaavya - i'd fuck her. id take her money too.

 
At 10:46 AM, Blogger bevjackson said...

Give Ms. Lori the money!! There
is no justice!

Reading this and your comments is more fun than the actuality of that
little horror.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Alice said...

"crass monkey said...
kaavya - i'd fuck her. id take her money too."

Well, ok, Crass, but seriously; I mean, sure, she IS hot (depending on taste I guess), but, could you REALLY stand to fuck a woman with seemingly no brains and the moral aptitude of an insurance salesman?


...Actually, thinking about it, don’t bother answering that…

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

How egotitical do you think she must be to think she would get away with that. What a stupid asshole xxxxx Thanks for putting that up - I had no idea!!

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

Holy Mother of all things crusty and uncooked on the inside! Vulva, just do it!

 
At 11:46 PM, Blogger Cassandra said...

I was wondering what she was apologizing out her ass about with Katie Couric on the Today show. Hmmmmm. Accident my ass.

 
At 1:44 AM, Blogger dennis mahagin said...

OMG,

this post is hilarious!

Thanks for cracking me up; I needed that!

;)

 
At 10:03 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Happy you enjoy my nonsense, Bev! ;-)

G-Man, I must say that this: "Holy Mother of all things crusty and uncooked on the inside!" is perhaps one of the most beautiful exclamations of surprise and frustration ever.

Cassandra, her publisher pulled the books yesterday. As they should.

Dennis, welcome! Glad to be of service!

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger RobinSlick said...

Oh god, I can't stop laughing long enough to make a coherent comment...

 
At 2:31 AM, Anonymous crass monkey said...

Kaavya can internalize my opal mehta until she can't remember who wrote what and how she got into college. Id like to give her 5 bucks for the ordeal and the rights to the video tapes.

 

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