You Can Call Me CrissyApparently, I’ve been approaching the publishing industry all wrong. As Harvard undergrad, Kaavya Viswanathan, has shown, all one needs to do in order to snag a $500,000 advance for a first novel is:
14) Acquire a snazzy, exotic-sounding name
Z) Be, like, really, really young
3) Be, like, totally pretty and shit
E) Write uninspiring juvie dreck with a lot of gum-snapping and “omigod!” moments
5) Steal most of the above from someone else’s work.
So, this old dog has been taught a few very stupid tricks. In accordance with Ms. Viswanathan’s most awesome flim-flammy flamitude, I:
34) Changed my name to Chrysanthemum Vulva
2) Doctored my birth certificate so that it appears as if I were born on the same day as Dora the Explorer
3) Already had it going on
7) Began novel with this paragraph: "I like lipgloss. Boys are cool, but they're kind of stupid. Anyway, my best friend, Apple Fritter, and I went to the mall the other day, and we rolled our eyes a lot at the totally stupid vampires walking around. I go, "Apple, what is up with all the vampires today?" and she goes, "I dunno, dude. This is so not cool." And so I go, "We should probably leave before they start attacking and stuff."
(This is going to be difficult, as I am only capable of producing literary diamonds, but for half a mil, I’ll sure as hell give it the ol’ college try)
5) Got my Danielle Steele and Laurell K. Hamilton at the ready
Oh my, I can already smell the ink on my soon-to-be issued $500,000 check...
Thanks, Kaavie. I owe you big time.