Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Baby, We Were Born to Run

My third daughter, Ariel, has been throwing up since one o’clock this morning, and I, praise the lord, have had the runs.

Oh, how I love winter. Just love the fuck to bits.

I can't wait till this bug hits everyone in my family! Six of us fighting for the bathroom. Six of us fighting for the puke pail.

I'm always curious about other families' puke pails. Ours, for instance, is a flesh-colored plastic bucket that we keep in the basement. When that bucket makes an appearance, we know torment is nigh.

There is nothing more sickening than to put one's face near a flesh-colored bucket that has had years of experience, which is why we use it -- the thing induces vomiting by its very nature, thus getting the sick out faster. Really, nausea is much, much worse than the actual yakking, in my humble opinion.

How about you? Tell me about your puke pail! What makes your puke pail special? Is it the history? The color? The shape and size? Is it the comforting lullabies it sings as you hurl?

The best puke pail story wins a fabulous prize, signed by me, the revolting yet fascinating Ms. Lori.

ADDENDUM: Joshie Boy wins the puke pail contest! Inspiring, touching, and nauseating as hell, Joshie has written the Puke Pail story to end all Puke Pail stories. The fact that he was the only freak to enter matters not one whit -- he's a winner through and through, and I'm proud to discover such talent in my midst. Send me your address, Joshie, and you will soon receive your FABULOUS PRIZE! Congratulations!

Please, round of applause, everyone!


At 11:33 AM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

I started writing an entry to this, the greatest contest in history, but my entry was too long for comments. I posted it on my blog. Click on my name and begin your magical journey...

If I get your bag of meth, signed, then I'll be a happy boy.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

My hands are trembling, I'm so excited! What a wonderful story, Joshie! Absolutely perfect, just the sort of story I was hoping for.

I'm dying to see if anyone can top that.

If I get enough quality entries, I may seriously consider editing an anthology full of puke pail stories.

So hurry, one and all, and submit your puke pail story before Ellen Datlow gets whiff of this idea.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

I swear to God and all things holy - Joshie Boy's story was magnificent. But really you take the cake - I laughed so hard thinking of the ferret clinging to your mother's cheek I spewed my overpriced decaf mocha through my nose. I love you.

At 7:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I object! This contest is biased against us good old-fashioned drunks who only puke on our boots!


At 8:53 AM, Blogger Tom Carter said...

Joshie's story is definitely funny! Weird, but funny.

I have to say, I've never heard of a "puke bucket." I've heard of chamber pots and even used them on occasion (yuck). I've seen spitoons in bars (honest) but never used one. But a puke bucket? Aren't some things in life best left un-remarked-upon?

Pardon me while I go puke.

At 9:29 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Tom, you are correct, sir. This whole puke pail thing is beneath me, beneath all of us. I hate myself.

At 11:44 AM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

I guess that makes me the lowest of the low. I accept my prize with humble thanks.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Rabbitch said...

I'm heartbroken. Here I am, raping your archives (without even buying you a drink first, that's the sort of bitch I am) and I click on the puke pail story link and get "not found".

I weep. And I may hate you.


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