Sunday, February 27, 2005

Alice B. Good

I bought a new vacuum cleaner! A blue and chromconia (fake chrome) little minx with a sleek, Jetsonesque, streamlined figure and long, elegant attachments that would reach the moon if I was so inclined to clean the moon.. Which I just might do if I come into any good blow sometime soon. I enjoy cleaning when I snort a little snow. Really gets the initiative up, you feel what I’m saying? Ah, just kidding. No I’m not. Yes, I most certainly am. Not. Shut up, Ms. Lori. No, you shut up! Look, if I have to tell you one more time to shut your enormous piehole...


It’s beautiful. Gorgeous. Sexy as hell, and she’s mine, all mine!

My vacuum cleaner kicks ass!

The hell did I just say? Did I just say my vacuum cleaner kicks ass?!

Help, please. I think my hair is knotting up into one big beehive ala Alice the lovable housekeeper from the Brady Bunch.

What has happened to me? God, the horror of suburbia..


At 5:41 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

You know, you went from incredibly interesting to pitiful in just 2 posts. My god (small g) woman, drop the fucking vacuum cleaner and do some blow...anything, just drop the fucking vacuum cleaner. And what is it with fake chrome? The homemaker/cleaning lady setting here brings images of the movie, "Dancing in the Dark" which starred Martha Henry. So maybe you ought to warn your husband.

At 11:31 PM, Anonymous jen said...

At least you didn't receive it as an annivesary or Valentine's Day gift. Oh, wait, did it come with any "special" attachments?

At 10:13 AM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

Bah. We all know that bathtub crystal meth is the drug of choice for some REAL pathological house cleaning. I've never done it myself, but I hear tell that shampooing the carpets at 3:00am is not uncommon.

Oh, congrats on the new vaccum.

At 5:59 PM, Blogger marjo moore said...

sounds like a helluva machine. hope its not an Oreck. mine constantly leaves me wanting more. the hell...? ;P

i suspect the brady bunch has nuthin on you

At 8:17 PM, Blogger windreader said...

Ms. Lori - are you schizophrenic or just chanelling Eddie Izzard?

At 8:40 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Gary, you bastard. I have dropped the vacuum cleaner (for now) in favor of my brand new bag o' meth (thanks Joshie).

Jen, those attachments are very special indeed. I've named the crevice cleaner "Brad." We're very happy.

Nope, not an Oreck. I heard they sucked. HAW! I kill me.

Alan, both. Although I must confess that Eddie is difficult to understand at times, so I pretend to know what he's saying, just to be polite.

At 8:55 AM, Blogger Tom Carter said...

We need some serious therapy here....


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