Wednesday, December 01, 2004


I love my husband, heaven knows I do. But I’m only human, and humans, every so often, develop crushes. That said, I have developed a crush, and I am not the least bit ashamed to admit the severity of this crush, nor am I ashamed of who has captured my fast-beating heart: Dog, the Bounty Hunter.

For those of you not familiar with Duane “Dog” Chapman, the world famous bounty hunter, please allow me the privilege of introducing you:

Isn’t he just the dreamiest?

I do believe that the Dog is masculine beauty personified, both physically and spiritually -- he is macho, beefy goodness in its purest form, male with a capital M who is not only frighteningly aggressive, but is also in touch with his feminine side. He is sweetness and light, dark shadows and creeping vines, a child-man, a teacher, an avenger. He is zen.

I’m insanely envious of his wife, Beth (who I also love, but, you know, not in that way. Well, unless I was really, really drunk...).

I love you, Dog. I want you to be my daddy.

How do I love thee? Well, let me count the ways, bra:

1) Your craggy face, lined with untold experience, hardship and joy, love and brute anger, thrills me.
2) Your saggy eyes, so puppy-like yet so menacing. When you crinkle them in amusement, I melt.
3) Your forearms, thick as uncut slabs of Canadian bacon, and your hands, big as King Kong’s, only not as hairy, cause my womb to quiver.
4) The mace that swings from the side of your hip is but a phallic tease that fuels my fantasies. Swing it, daddy.
5) The handcuffs. I cannot elaborate, for I am incapable of writing good pornography.. But you get my drift.
6) Your voice, deep and commanding, cracked from years of screaming “You’re under arrest, bitch!” leaves me weak.
7) Your integrity.
8) Your patience.
9) Your humanitarianism
10) Your gorgeous son, Leland, whose hand I now humbly ask for marriage -- not to me, of course, but to my eldest daughter the minute she turns eighteen.

Dog, the Bounty Hunter will air its last show of the season next Tuesday, 10 p.m. Eastern time, on A&E.

How will I survive?


At 12:34 PM, Blogger Jon Langdon said...

Well Dog is awesome!

Just a BE visitor saying hi.

--Jon Langdon

At 12:59 PM, Blogger Sheezah Lady said...

I have been lusting after Dog for ages. You have excellent taste! LOL!

At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You'll watch the reruns that start the week after. Or you'll buy them all on DVD and have regular dribble-fests, just like all us other obsessed loonies =)

Kitty (

At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post makes me want to hop a plane and HUG you! I happened upon this show late one evening in Japan and I was HOOKED. I couldn't move very much, because of the surgery, but I adored this man! There's just something about the show. I am very sad that I have not been able to figure out the time difference of when they air it here and when they air it in the States. I click the channels, mindlessly, hoping for a glimpse of his face. Glad to see there is someone else out there! :)


Gave you a 10, by the way. Figure'd we need some positive voting trends up in here! :)

At 9:16 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Hi everyone,

Yes, there's something about Dog that brings out the nut in me. I think it has to do with the fact that he's trying to make a difference in kids' lives, *really* trying. And he's been there, has turned his life around, and I can identify with that. My post was tongue in cheek, but I really do admire the man.

And, Alex, thanks for the "10" -- I like 10s. ;-) Seems someone keeps trying (and succeeding) to knock ol' Ms. Lori off BE's top 10 list by giving me low scores, so I appreciate your vote. It's a shame they did away with letting bloggers see who scored them...

At 11:54 PM, Blogger Jeni said...

I read this post last night and ended up having to clean coffee out of the keyboard. My husband thought I had lost my mind until I read it to him.
Great post, thanks for the giggle but next time you're gonna have to come here and clean up the coffee spews you're responsible for!

At 9:21 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, Jeni, you're a spewer, too? We are, indeed, kindred spirits!

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just discovered this article a few weeks ago. You have described Doggie better than I ever could. Your phrase, "dark shadows and creeping vines" are the description of the feeling I get every time I look at this man. Your description is perfect, tongue in cheek or not.


At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Lori ...I feel the same way and how you put it was so right on...I stumbled on the show over6 months ago...Ozzys voice caught me and when I saw dog ...OMG...I watched the show and was hooked ...his heart his body well obviously I dont need to go on...cause Id keep going on and on like the energizer for posting it take care Kathy

At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All you ladies that are lusting over the dog all need serious help, he is an old never was-he looks like an old wrinkled dog with a mullet he has got to go-to beat it all he is a wanted fugitive, and his wife is an ex-hooker who had warrants on her out of colorado for bad checks. so with that being said: if you want a con go to your local jail on release days.


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