Saturday, November 13, 2004

Ms. Lori's List of Hate

1) Bodily functions. I wish I were a robot, a nice, clean, smooth mass of steel and circuits. Alas, I am not, and I disgust myself.
2) Eating noises. I despise slurps, chomps, smacks and mmmmphlerps. Crunching's okay, though.
3) Saliva strings and smoochy sound effects during kissing scenes in films. This is not only unnecessary, it is stomach-turning. As are the spitty actors who engage in this vile behavior.
4) "Woody" broccoli. In this day and age, there is no good reason for hard splinters in my well-cooked Bird's Eye broccoli (high-end vegetable product? I think not). Bird's Eye, you should be ashamed.
5) Religious pamphleteers who come a knockin'. Leave me alone, ye fuckers.
6) Donald Trump. There are no words.
7) People who invade my space. When I'm having a conversation with someone, especially if it's only an acquaintance, I'd appreciate it very much if they would not sit in my lap and gaze adoringly into my eyes. Stay back, bitches.
8) Dog smell. Look, I like dogs, really I do -- my favorite pet as a child was a dog, a beautiful fawn boxer named Cindy (who I still miss to this day) -- but the reason I don't own a dog now is a simple one: they stink.
9) Shizzle my fizzle bizzle woo-woo, den axe my nipple what up. If you refuse to speak English correctly, I refuse to listen to you.
10) When my cat hisses and runs around with her tail puffed up at two in the morning. Could be a prowler lurking outside, could be a ghost. Or, it could just be that she's out of her freaking mind. Whatever her reasons, I wish she would stop doing that.

'Kay, I'll give this a rest for now, even though my list of hate is as long as Ben Affleck's chin and as obscene as his gummy smile.


At 1:24 PM, Blogger Shelly said...

I'm with you on #4. :)

At 10:53 PM, Blogger Jexebel said...

I know. The religious folks talk shit about gays recruiting amongst us, yet I never get any drag kings with pamphlets, just mormons.


At 7:40 PM, Blogger anon said...

hear ya.
2 puts me on the floor, in violent convulsions, convinced I'm being molested in some way.
Actually 7 kind of does too.
Come to think of it, I'm identifying with you on most of this list, perhaps with my own brand of intensity.
Although I don't have a cat. Her timing does sound irksome, though.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

Thank God I'm not the only one horrified by Affleck's freakishly small teeth - are his gums actually absorbing what were once normal sized teeth?


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