Monday, November 08, 2004

Bastard Birthdays and the Bitch Who Loves Them

Things I have learned during my eighty-two years on this earth:
Men who name their penises should be avoided at all costs. Trust me on this.
Drink one glass of water for every two beers you consume.
If you think you look good, others will think so, too.
Coffee will keep you regular.
Women named Lisa are usually beautiful, but they tend to be two-faced and mean. If your name happens to be Lisa, forgive me, but you have my utter disdain.
You don't have to like your parents.
There will be at least one incident where you will giggle uncontrollably during a wedding or funeral service.
Caviar does not taste good, nor will it ever taste good. If someone tells you they like it, they are lying.
Male science teachers often touch themselves while explaining thermonuclear dynamics.
People who don't smile easily are usually the most trustworthy.
Monkeys and apes should not be held in captivity. That's akin to putting your Uncle Joe in a cage and keeping him in your basement.
All children deserve respect. And if you don't believe that, you are an asshole.
While you are giving birth, your doctor's face will invariably morph into that of an evil clown.
Baby heads and feet are, without a doubt, the most precious, godly objects one will ever gaze upon in this lifetime.
Jealousy is the sickest emotion.
Hate is futile.
Potatoes are the perfect food.
No matter how bad today is, it will pass. Better days truly are just around the corner. I guarentee it.
A funny man is a sexy man.
A funny woman is a sexy woman.
Looks don't mean dick -- confidence, excellent personal hygiene, compassion, and humor mean everything. Money is gravy.
Hollywood and Madison Avenue are the rectum and urethra of our world.
The Eagles' "Hotel California" produces hallucinations.
Poetry is the word, man. Dig it.
True love: When your significant other wants you to have the biggest piece of cake. Think about that for a moment. That's pretty deep.
There very well may be alien life forms, a God, sea monsters, bigfoots, ghosts, reincarnated souls, demonic spirits, other planes of existence, and life after death. Or not. I pity the fool who is so arrogant they can't imagine the possibilities.
I am fabulous because I said so, and that's good enough for me.

9 Comments:

At 2:26 PM, Blogger The Zero Boss said...

Very well said!

 
At 3:23 PM, Blogger Justice said...

I love it! If you don't mind, I'll print that out and stick it in my kids' graduation bags! (Graduation bags - things they might find useful out on their own)

 
At 3:42 PM, Blogger n00nz said...

Very well put... :)

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger Alli said...

HA! Excellent blog I must say! Here Here!

 
At 11:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that!!!! Great blog!

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Jexebel said...

If I were to name my genitals, would I also be untrustworthy?...Or is it a guy thing?

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jexebel, only if your name is Lisa. If that is the case, I'm sorry, but yes, you are untrustworthy. Especially if you have a unibrow and refuse to acknowledge the fact that unibrows are repulsive.

 
At 12:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

*snaps fingers repeatedly in a beatnik inspired show of appreciation*

p.s. Happy Birthday Ms. Lori.

p.p.s and Jay (The Zero Boss), write your damn book and stop beating me to all MY blogs, Dammit! ;)

Sam

 
At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are fabulous!
Thanks for commenting on my livejournal!
You blog had me cracking up!
Sasha
(misguided_soul)

 

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