May the Magic Continue...As per my good friend Angie‘s request, I will now take advantage of my blog’s supernatural abilities and write about our winning the lottery. As history has shown, whenever I write about something I’m wishing for, my wish is granted soon afterward, so I expect the lottery wins to occur anywhere between today and next Wednesday.
I really, really, really want to win the lottery. So does my good friend Angie. You see, My good friend Angie and I are not greedy sorts -- not at all. We are philanthropists who believe that good fortune should be shared, and so will use the ill-gotten spoils for the betterment of mankind only. (As any God-fearing evangelical Christian worth their pillar of salt knows, Jesus hates gambling, but I must reiterate that the money will be used for clean, Godly purposes.)
Listed below are some of the things my good friend Angie and I have planned:
1) Build safehouses for all the disenfranchised voters who are embroiled in abusive relationships with their red states.
2) Give Manolo Blahnik shoes, one year of weekly massages, and wardrobes from the designer of their choice to all single mothers in our respective states who are valiantly trying to make ends meet on current minimum wages. It is important that these women experience the decadence of Paris Hilton at least once during their lifetimes.
3) Buy Bush a fucking clue. Unfortunately, even with our combined winnings, there may not be enough funds to procure this, but we’ll see.
4) Declare November 8 as Women’s Day, a day in which all women will be given the respect and worship they deserve. Women's Day will be observed annually on November 8, and occasionally February 15 as well, dependant upon the whim of benefactors. The fact that November 8 is also my birth date is pure coincidence -- when God tells me this is to be, who am I to argue? On this day, women will be excused from all daily duties, some of which may include:
a) Child rearing
b) Cleaning house
d) Wearing uniforms whose sole purpose is to put legs and breasts on display
e) Shaving legs
f) Pretending that their male bosses are the most humorous and intelligent humans on earth.
g) Making coffee for aforementioned dickhead.
h) Pretending that it doesn’t hurt when their heads hit the glass ceiling.
i) Dieting to achieve the impossible perfection required of them by American patriarchal society.
j) Saying “yes.”
For the holiday’s inaugural year, all women over the age of eighteen in the Continental United States, Hawaii, and Canada will receive a package on or before November 8 that contains one XX Large T-shirt (this will be their day, so comfort is of the utmost) that reads “Bow Before the One You Serve.” It’s gonna be a good day.
I can hardly wait.
These are but a few of the many exciting events my good friend Angie and I have planned -- the list of all good works will be announced in its entirety shortly after lottery payments commence, so stay tuned.