Monday, August 06, 2007

Don't Feed the Animals...

I learned a very important lesson this past weekend:

One should never feed the neighbor's dog hotdogs and spareribs if said neighbor appears agitated by one's childish, compulsive, dog-feeding behavior.

But I couldn't help myself, see. I have this thing, a thing with no name that is buried deeply within my cerebral cortex that compels me to feed processed foods to adorable, furry faces.

My cat, thank goodness, is smart enough to turn her nose up at the slices of salami and curls of Cheetos I throw her way (although she enjoys bouncing that sweet nose of hers against the offending materials, getting a whiff or two and licking her chops for ten hours afterward), but dogs, now they appreciate crap. Love the crap. Live for the crap.

I am only too happy to fulfill their crappy wishes.

Unfortunately, I have zero capability when it comes to reading others' body language and/or tone of voice. I figure, hey, I'm loving that the dog is loving the crap, so everyone else is loving it too, right?

***obnoxious buzzer***

***Patti LaBelle screech***

***maniacal laughter***

Well, apparently NOT. Took me a while to figure out the error of my dog-feeding ways, but it finally hit me yesterday that the vibe I was picking up from my neighbor wasn't altogether lovey-dovey, and perhaps I should just come out and ask my neighbor if it was bothering her that I stuffed pounds of bologna into her beagle's maw on a regular basis.

I said, "Bambi-Jo, please be truthful with me -- do you not want me feeding Shloob (not the dog's real name)? I mean, because if it does in fact bother you, I will never again sneak Shloob forty bratwurst, complete with mustard and onions. Just say the word, my friend, just say, Ms. Lori, stop feeding my dog, you stupid fuck."

There was a short, uncomfortable silence, then Bambi-Jo said -- with a straight face, mind you -- "Ms. Lori, stop feeding my dog, you stupid fuck."

Heaven help the likes of me -- I am a dolt.


At 1:28 PM, Blogger Alexis Slaybaugh Willard said...

I will totally help you out if you have extra bratwurst and onions. Especially with mustard. Yummers. BTW, you are not a dolt. I find myself on pub floors letting random dogs sit on my lap all the time. x x x x

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Carol said...

Hmmm, well, she DID follow your instructions...although how she did it with a straight face is beyond me!

At 7:21 AM, Anonymous gerry rosser said...

I do not have this instinct to feed the neighbors' pets. In fact, I do not know if my neighbors have pets. I do not want to know if they have pets. In fact, I barely know if I have neighbors. My thinking about neighbors goes like this: when I move into an already-existing neighborhood, those who already live there have a choice. They can come by and say "Howdy, new neighbor, welcome to our neighborly neighborhood." They can ignore me completely. Either is okay by me. If their choice is the latter one, I feel it is not my place to intrude, and I don't. In neither neighborhood I presently inhabit has the "welcome new neighbor" behaviour been the case.
As for me, I have no pets. If I did have pets, I would feed them. They would live inside the house, fenced yard, or on a leash with my hand on the other end, and the neighbors would not have the opportunity to feed them (unless, of course, they felt like flinging something over the fence).
Hmm, what was the discussion? Oh, yeah, pets. Other peoples' pets.

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Alexis, I keep inviting you, but you're always busy. How hard can it be to hop a plane and fly eight hours, huh? HUH?!

Carol, yes, she did, bless her. Her straight-faced delivery is due to her warped sense of humor, btw. ;-)

Gerry, I was feeding Shloob through the fence...My fault entirely.

Bambi-Jo and her husband, The Squirell-Slinging Firefighter, are the only neighbors my husband and I associate with.

At 11:09 AM, Anonymous gerry rosser said...

Me again, I added a video to my post with the Burrito Bus. Thought you might like it.

At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes the straightforward approach really is the best.


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