Monday, October 04, 2004

Mr. Butler's World! Episode I: The Thing At My Window

Since I kept Mommy and Daddy up again last night, I thought I would show all of you why exactly I did that. Behold the horror:
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I have come to realize that it is beyond any reason or rational thought why I should in fact be frightened by such a thing, but the sad fact is, I am. It shames me terribly to admit this. I have apologized over and over to Mommy and Daddy for my admittedly ridiculous phobia, and Lord knows they try to understand the terror Cookie Monster invokes in me, but, alas, they will never truly understand.

How could they possibly know the fear that I experience when Cookie Monster knocks on my window at night, the sick, unadulterated fear that grips my little soul each and every night when Mommy shuts my bedroom door? It waits until Mommy and Daddy are sound asleep, that bad Cookie Monster, to come a-knocking at my window, to sing to me with its satanic growl while wiggling its horrific eyes...It is madness, it is mind-numbing torture, and he knows it.

Oh, I try to be a nice boy and stay in my bed, I do. I lie there sweating, pee-pee soaking my jammy pants, and I try to not scream, to not run into the blinding light of the hallway shrieking Mommy's name. But Cookie Monster is scary, and I have only so much fortitude in my tiny body.

I am weak.

I hope to one day defeat this dumb poopy-head, to be a man and face my tormenter with solid courage, perhaps while wielding a Tonka truck in one hand and my squirt gun in the other, but until that day, I shall remain terrified and helpless, dependant on Mommy or Daddy to make Cookie Monster go away. For the time being, I can only apologize and beg Mommy and Daddy for their patience. I will be three years old in about four months, which, I've heard mention at the playground, is the turning point for most men -- it is the point at which I will no longer allow my imagined fears to overcome my rationale. It will be a time of great rejoice and lots of cake. I'm looking forward to it.

Till then, I will be armed with Tonka truck by my side, squirt gun under my pillow, both at the ready for that magical turning point when I will be brave enough to use them, like the man in this story:

L A N G H O R N E, Pa., June 21 — A man's plan to have his young daughter meet the Cookie Monster crumbled when he was arrested for allegedly assaulting the furry blue Sesame Street character.

"People started yelling at me that I should be ashamed of myself for hitting Cookie Monster. I did not kick or punch Cookie Monster. The cop did not want to hear my side of the story, and I got arrested," said McPhatter, who described the character as his 3-year-old daughter Mina's favorite.

Read more about this good daddy. I love him.


At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA!! This cracked me up. Though frankly, I find Elmo much scarier.

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, Mr. Butler hates his Talking Elmo as well. Any inanimate object with a face that makes noise is an unwelcome addition to Mr. Butler's play room.

Personally, I find Ms. Piggy to be the most disturbing.


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