Friday, March 14, 2008

The Doctor Moreau Bra?

In case you haven't heard, Victoria's Secret has toppled the scientific community on its ear, and perhaps changed life as we know it forever and ever, by way of their brand new "BioFit Bra."

Yes, the BIOFIT bra. Hmmm. Very perplexing, that name. Does "BioFit" mean "biologically designed"? "Bio-friendly"? "Biologically enhanced"? "Bio-Hazard"? (A sure way to keep unwanted gropers at bay.) Or, mayhap, "biogenetically created to infiltrate one's ta-tas, causing said ta-tas to magically lift, separate, and grow to ten times their natural state"?

Not sure, really, but it certainly does intrigue me.

What I've ascertained, however, is that this bra ostensibly enhances one's figure via cutting edge science, wherein the mysterious fibers woven into this ghastly garment have been grown in a laboratory by an evil geneticist named Dr. James D. Foote, best known for his work in the field of bovine mammarology. The mysterious fibers, of which there are two known types (the third is top secret, and may, if revealed, threaten national security), 36-D and 40-D-D, somehow intertwine with human physiology in such a way that alters DNA, thus producing instantaneous metamorphoses of the molecular structure.

Now, if you haven't yet seen the advertisement for this monstrosity, I can only say that it is so mind-bogglingly, stupendously insulting to any woman who has ever grown a pair of breasts, it may just cause those of us with a brain larger than Janet Jackson's nipple to never shop Victoria's Secret again.

Or even worse, put ridiculous images in our heads -- especially women like me, who imagine ridiculous things on a daily basis.

Case in point: While watching the BioFit commercial last night, ridiculous images did abound, images like...

!) A BioCat bra that makes use of feline DNA. Fabulous, really, what with the cute, furry cat heads strategically placed on each cup. What woman doesn't love cute, furry creatures, huh? Never be lonely again! And no boob-freeze EVER! Sure, it may take some getting used to, what with the cat faces eerily outlined though one's blouse (not recommended for use under tank tops), but the benefits outweigh the eerie cat heads. Puuurfection.

?) The revolutionary BioFruit Bra, which, depending on how much the organically grown pump is squeezed, gives the wearer either a luscious melon-like bobble, a perky orange bounce, or sprightly apricot wiggle.

And finally...

&) The first Victoria's Secret line for men! Gentlemen, you will be amazed and delighted with the BioButt Briefs, made with all natural fibers derived from the wee-tui-tui cactus, which will automatically bond with your gluteus maximus muscles by way of a special epidermal-cacti transference enzyme, so that your buttocks will take on a tight, rounded, almost bulbous richness.

But that's not all! Why not go hog-wild and pair the BioButt Briefs with the sure-to-turn-heads BioTrunk Jock! The BioTrunk is the must-have accoutrement for any man on the make! Constructed with heavy duty pachydermal microbiofibers, this strap-on, breathable cup guarantees comfort, while increasing package size to mammoth proportions.

Oh, I could go on and on, but I won't. I have disturbed even my own self way too much today, so enough. Enough.


At 4:23 AM, Blogger Rabbitch said...

I may never sleep again.

This, of course, has nothing to do with your post. I just thought I'd mention it.

At 11:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do women wear these horrid things to start with?

At 8:53 AM, Anonymous aphid said...

twoblueday: I think alot of women don't (I don't and I don't know anyone who does), but I assume the ones who do do it to get laid, or just to feel hot enough so they could get laid if they wanted to. I think the entire "glamorous underwear" thing is a con, not just Victoria's Secret -- if you look sexy wearing a $100 bra, you'll probably look just as good in a $8 cotton one so long as it fits.

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

I haven't slept since August of 1990, Rabbitch. Woe is the Ms. Lori.

Gerry, do you mean all bras in general, or just the fifty dollar ripoff torture devices?

Aphid, well said.

I do admit to liking a pretty bra, one that gives my over-forty and four-babies-weary girls a lift, but I refuse to pay more than ten bucks for a bra. Especially when one is claimed to defy all laws of physics and good sense.

Another very important thing I've learned over the years: Most men seem to prefer simple, sweet undergarments on women, nothing too complicated and intimidating.

Target rocks.

At 2:07 AM, Anonymous aphid said...

"Most men seem to prefer simple, sweet undergarments on women, nothing too complicated and intimidating."

I shall test this theory . . . with science.

Wait . . . no, I'll just sit on my fat ass all day.

At 7:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I meant bras in general.

And, to compound my felony, I have never been turned on in the slightest by "sexy" lingerie. I've thought about this, and my theory is that it's just too much of a self-conscious attempt at seduction.

You know what's sexy (well, I mean one thing of many about women)? I like to see females wearing a baseball hat with their hair pulled back through the gap in the back (you know, where the adjustment strap is).

At 8:24 AM, Anonymous aphid said...

Women (well, not all women) wear bras because it's annoying to have our funbags flopping around every time we make a sudden move. Especially if you have really big ones and decide to go jogging, as I hear they can fly up and hit you in the face.


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