Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I Feel Your Pain, IP #

To Mr./Ms. from Jackson Heights, New York,

My husband's H3 is none of your concern (which, by the way, is
not "adding to the problem" due to its acceptable MPG) nor is my psychological handicap, my shoe size, my sexual habits, or my propensity for abruptly shouting nonsensical phrases while in the privacy of my own home. In other words, you are not the sort of reader with whom I am attempting to communicate. Most of those who read OWM have superior intellect and a terrific appreciation for the absurd. They understand irony.

I must admit to feeling a bit sad by your inappropriate and uncalled for vitriol, considering the fact you must be a lonely, embittered soul who has most likely been overlooked by society, perhaps shunned by your own family and friends. Despite my hatred of the human race in general, I also feel great empathy for those in pain, who cry out for attention, be it positive or negative. We are all still children, really, no matter our chronological age. And because I am a mother of four, I truly understand what it means when a child acts out in unpleasant ways -- they only want to be heard. And, as with children, the smallest and most vulnerable of us often make the most noise. It is basic instinct.

That said, I would like you to know that I hear you, dear I hear you and I acknowledge your deep need for validation. I embrace your weary, neglected spirit, even as I implore you to please, please cease and desist. I'm a sensitive woman,, a woman who has seen her share of neglect and sadness and heart-breaking tragedy. I, too, sometimes feel the need to heave shit on my fellow man, because after all, mankind has certainly flung a baboon's assload at me. I get you, I feel your pain. Unlike yourself, however, I have developed something called "restraint," as well as a little doodad called "courtesy." I feel better about myself when I utilize those two attributes; you might want to dig deep and pull out that which is inherent in animals with brains larger than an infant‘s fist, that which resides in all of us, no matter how deeply buried. Restraint and courtesy. Beautiful words, those. Practice restraint, employ courtesy, then reap the benefits. It makes life go much more smoothly, I guarantee.

Also, I find that drinking helps tremendously, I shit you not.

Update: Oh, my, Mr.'t hard to track you down. Not hard at all, my "witchy" friend. Can't get enough of Ms. Lori, eh? This going to be a yearly thing, then? Better watch your step now, son.


At 11:41 AM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

I was actually wondering if you'd have to take any guff after your Hummer post.

If they're concerned about how you damage the environment, they should be griping about how much hairspray you were obviously using at one point in your life... ;-)

At 11:47 AM, Anonymous Jeni said...

Damn, somebody went and pissed Ms. Lori off! :::DUCK:::
Actually I've written similiar words myself, seems stumbling over someone's blog and feeling the urge to dump one's emotional garbage in to the lap of a total stranger is too tempting for some people.
Screw 'em, you can't please everybody.

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Joshie, I alone have systematically destroyed the ozone layer -- and I'm damn proud of it, too!

Jeni, I know, can't please everyone. But I was sick of deleting obscenity after obscenity. It's one thing to offer an opinion, quite another to go poopy and peepee on one's living room floor..

At 7:08 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

NO WAY! Did you delete it?? What did they say?? I am such a shit stirrer. . . .sorry :( xx

At 7:51 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Well li'l Ms. Shit-Stirrer ;-), I'll email you dat shizzle fizzle piddly doody, if you like. No big whoop, really.

At 12:39 AM, Anonymous Jeni said...

I can't believe the little shit came back for seconds.
What a dumbass.

And are you aware that all your word verfication letters always seem to form words that I'm almost positive are middle eastern? Weird.

At 10:51 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Jeni, yes, very Arabic in appearance. What the hell is it with me and the Middle East? Am I, perhaps, a prophet of sorts and I just don't know it yet? ;-)


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