One Whipped Mother

Like Hair on a Monkey's Testicles

1) When was the last time you went to the bathroom outside? Ah, I remember it well…It was summertime, 1992, and we were camping in the Adirondacks, just me and Lar. Bliss.

2) When was the last time you saw one of your parents? My father passed on in 1981, but I saw him last month. He’s doing well. Saw my mom last month, too -- she’s doing very well considering she hasn’t passed on yet.

3) Which family member do you most resemble? I have my father’s light hair and skin, my Grandma Spinelli’s bone structure.

4) Do you wear cologne/perfume? Jovan Musk Oil, for over twenty-five years now. I wear nothing else. Ever.

5) Do you wear deodorant? No, I prefer stank, thank you very much. Actually, I like Secret Invisible Solid, powder scent.

6) Do you 'clean up nice'? Hell yeah!

7) When was the last time you tripped and fell? Fell? Well, tripping is commonplace for me, as my “Gettin’ Jiggy” post reveals, but…Uh…Oh! It was around 1980-something, and I tripped over a sidewalk crack in the middle of downtown Rochester. Fell flat on my stupid face. No one stopped to ask if I was okay, just sort of eyed me with disdain, so I picked myself up, casually looked back at the crack (see aforementioned post) and ran weeping to the bus terminal.

8) Where was the last place you slept besides your home?
Heh. My mom’s. See my “Sodomized by Captain Morgan!” post for the hideous details.

9) What are you listening to right now? The wall fan in my office as it sucks clouds of dangerous smoke into the fresh summery outdoors.

10) Have you ever started an uncontrollable fire? Jesus, no.

11) Ever run out of gas on the road? I don’t drive.

12) Would you rather cut the grass or rake the leaves? Rake leaves! I’m terrified of gas-powered machines (see above).

13) Your name spelled backwards? Satan.

14) What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? A fabulous “mockumentary,“ which I shall link to in the near future.

15) Last time you swam in a pool? Sometime in the late eighties.

16) Have you ever been in a school play? Ninth grade drama class. I was a dancing puppet in the spectacularly embarrassing production of “Pinocchio.” The puppets (all girls) had to wear shorts, and at the end of our retarded puppet jig, we were to bend over at the waist and stay that way till the conclusion of the scene. Guess who was eyeing us from behind as he lurked in the wings? Yes, our perverted drama teacher, Mr. FatandGross. My buttocks still bear the scar of his fiery hot leer.

17) How many kids do you want? Six. But I’m getting old now, and I haven’t the money for a nanny, so four is enough, I guess.

18) Type of music you dislike most? Whiny-ass pop-pseudo punk-staccato lyric “You are my girlfriend/I am your boyfriend/We eat at Denny’s/And it will never end” shit.

19) You registered to vote? Damn straight.

20) You have cable? Like, duh.

21) Ever prank call anybody? Lord, yes. I must write a post sometime about the pranks my brother Dan and I did back in the day. They were super sophisticated, no silly “Prince Albert” giggly crap there. We recorded them, even. Had one poor couple terrified that they had somehow stumbled upon a government sting. Most excellent.

22) Best friends? Refer to post below. ‘Nuff said.

23) Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Sure, and I’ll eat cat poop while I’m at it.

24) Do you have a garden? I do! It’s soooo pretty. And it’s home to gigantic alien toads and space mold.

25) What's your favorite comic strip? Haven’t read them in years, but I used to enjoy Blondie and Peanuts.

26) Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, morning, bath, when I’m lucky.

27) Best movie you've seen in the past month? Garden State.

28) Favorite pizza topping? Cheeeeeeese! Then more cheese on top of that.

29) Chips or popcorn? Gimme some Lays and some onion dip, and I’m good.

30) What color lipstick do you usually wear? Revlon’s Mirrored Mauve. It’s sassy!

31) Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Dumb.

32) Orange Juice or apple? Neither, but orange goes well with vodka, so orange it is.

33) Favorite type of chocolate bar? Hershey’s Almond, the giant size, please. And York Peppermint Patties. And Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups. And 100 Grand. And Kit-Kats. And…

34) When was the last time you voted at the polls? Last year. Didn’t do much good, though, but I tried.

35) Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last week.

36) Are you a good cook? YES!

37) Ever order anything from an infomercial? This is so embarrassing to admit, but in the nineties, I decided that I wanted very long, and I mean to the middle of my back long, hair. Problem was, I had a short, spiky ‘do at the time. One day, I was watching an infomercial for hair extensions -- Luxurious Hair, I think? -- and the ladies all looked so pretty with their shimmering, soft, LUXURIOUS locks flowing about, and I wanted to be pretty, too, so I ordered a buttload of hair. Unfortunately, my Luxurious Hair resembled pubic hair, SIMIAN pubic hair. I was not pretty. Well, pretty for an ape, I suppose.

38) Sprite or 7-Up? Sprite.

39) Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Sort of. Are pasties considered a uniform?

40) Ever thrown up in public? Yes. I hated myself for it.

41) Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? I want to be cherished AND rich. I want it all, baby.

42) Do you believe in love at first sight? Lust, yes, true love, no.

43) Can ex's be friends? Yes. But I’d want to go to bed with them, so I stay away from my exes.

44) Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My grandmother.

45) Did you have a lot of hair as a baby? Tons of bright cardinal red hair.

46) What message is on your answering machine? I don’t have an answering machine.

47) What do you think about most? How did it all begin? Who created God? Does my ass look fat in these jeans?

48) Favorite form of travel? Plane.

49) Ever drink rotten milk? Surely you jest.

50) What do you think of the person who posted this ahead of you? I love his bright fuchsia lips and the wiggle in his walk…No, seriously, Bill’s a great guy, and a wonderful writer. He’ll be appearing in Best of Borderlands with me. (Check out that link, will ya? Cover looks awesomely awesome.)

posted by Ms. Lori @ 10:52 AM