Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Satan, Remove Your Disgusting Ben Affleck-Like Teeth From My Hands

My hands, dear God Almighty, my hands! They blew up Sunday night, just blew up to the size of catcher's mitts, yes they did. Woke up around two a.m. to the most unholy pain imaginable, a shooting, throbbing, caught-in-a-vice, crushed-under-the-wheels-of-a-tractor trailer kind of pain, and upon stumbling into the light, saw that both hands, fingers included, were HUGE.

I wept, I cursed, I took forty Advil, I punched Lar in the head, but nothing eased my torment. And still, although somewhat better (at least I can move my fingers), the swelling and pain (unholy, demonic, supernaturally bad) remain. As do the fiery red 666's that appeared across the knuckles of my left hand.

Now, I've had similar occurrences, especially this year, but I've noticed that these episodes are becoming more frequent, are lasting longer, and are increasingly more painful. I did go to the doc about this, oh, around three, four years ago, but he just shook his head and said, "Well, Devil Woman, x-rays show nothing abnormal. You are destined to bear the mark of the beast until the end of your days."

Or something to that effect.

In other news, I purchased a new whore. She's real nice. Too bad I can't screw around with her as much as I'd like. Soon, though. Very soon...

12 Comments:

At 11:58 AM, Blogger keef said...

You know... when I was a child, I had a fever. My hands felt just like two balloons.

...

I'm sorry to hear about your un-handy ailment, Ms. Lori. I hope you do recuperate. Congratulations on getting a new whore!

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Jas... said...

I see you typed this post on the new Fluffy Fingers 2000 keyboard!

I hope you find out what the problem is. That doesn't sound like a very nice time.

:D

 
At 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anne said...

I love people who can quote Pink Floyd lyrics off the cuff like that. Speaking of cuffs, sorry bout the hands. Maybe an allergic reaction? I dunno. Just tryin to help....

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

See, you probably should have taken 41 Advil. That one final capsule of pain-killing goodness would have set you over the top.

Is it just me, or is Advil the finest tasting over the counter pain medication?

Anyway. I am really happy you're kinda sorta back.

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Thanks, Keef! Oh, I do love dat Floyd.

Jas, yup. Goes with my Fluffy Ass 2000 swivel chair.

Anne, I think I have RA, but I probably won't go back to the doc until my hands turn into evil claws...

Joshie, thanks! Yeah, Advil is the nectar of gods, ain't it? Well, that and crack.

 
At 11:23 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Ms. Lori, that sounds painful!! I hope you get better soon.

Uck. Affleck Teeth. That's possible the worst insult you could give teeth.

 
At 12:25 PM, Blogger Tom Carter said...

Sounds terrible! I'd try a few more doctors.

Lar, by the way, must be a saint. Do you hit him every time something untoward happens?

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger G-Man said...

My gawd woman! You have painted so many disturbing images of yourself for me on this blog. I'm beginning to entertain the idea that perhaps this Lar guy is kept in your root cellar wrapped in duct tape. And he STILL loves you!

 
At 11:08 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Katie, as we all know by now, Affleck is Satan's son. God help my poor soul...

Tom, no, of course not. Sometimes I punch his testicles, but only when he asks me to.

G-Man, I hate to admit this, but I'M the one locked in the cellar. He only lets me out when he feels the need to be punched in the testicles...Or when he's in the mood for some killer goulash. Lar is an evil, evil man.

 
At 11:25 AM, Blogger Mamacita said...

I'm so sorry! But oh my goodness, you do know how to paint a vivid word picture!

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

Ms Lori!!!!! Ms Lori got a new whore!!! YYYYYAAAYYYYY!!! I am SO sorry about the hands - perhaps typing too much?? My left hand is numb most of the time - but I think that might be as it is not my beer hand, so probably lacks muscle tone. xx

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Mamacita! (One of my favorite bloggers, folks - she rocks.) The pain and swelling have subsided quite a bit, thank goodness. Thanks for stopping by!

Alexis, yeah, new ho! She's kind of slow, for some dang unknown reason, but she works! Regarding my hands, it couldn't be too much typing since I rarely used the computer during the past month and a half or so...I think it's rheumatoid arthritis. Wah.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home