One Whipped Mother

Gimme a Big Nose on Rye, Please

Yeah, so I watched some of The Tony Danza Show this morning, but only because my friend suggested I check it out after I'd mentioned my fondness for Taxi reruns (I rarely watch TV during the day, except for some news with my coffee and some Jerry Springer with my workout), and well, I'm glad I did. I feel all...tingly. Kind of hungry in a sensual, "jeepers, I wish I had me a big Italian nose sub with mozzarella and gravy right now" kind of way.

Hot, that Danza. HAWT. Still has that boyish smile, those sweet eyes, broad shoulders, that wonderful hair...and the nose. He's still got the nose, and it hasn't drooped even a millimeter.

Yes, I'm a nose-woman, and I don't mind yelling that fact to the world. Actually, I think I will...

I LIKE BIG NOSES, I CANNOT LIE!
You other sisters can't deny
That when a boy walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a big fat long thing in your face...

Apologies to the esteemed Sir Mix-A-Lot.

But there's something very primal about large noses, something innately GRRRRR! and "Ooooh, grab my hair and drag me home, you banana-nosed bastard!" that rules my sense of attraction. Sure, I like the Brad Pitts and Orlando Blooms just as much as the next teeny bopper, but it's the noses that get me every time, the Conan O'Briens and David Duchovnys, the Richard Geres, the Pacinos and Adrian Brodys. You have no idea how deprived I've felt since The Sopranos has been on hiatus.

And you know that old wives' tale about the size of a man's feet? It's exactly that -- a wives' tale. It's all about the nose, ladies. The NOSE. I know because I've conducted my own informal study over the last, eh, let's see...lost my virginity when I was...'kay, over the last 24 years or so. I researched this matter heavily, sampled and resampled, poked and prodded and mentally measured subject after subject, both great and small, and I do believe my findings, based on the majority, are indisputable. Of course, my studies came to a sudden and altogether not unpleasant conclusion upon marriage to Lar, but still. 24 years of research (minus the 15 I've been out of circulation) is nothing to sneeze at.

JAMA, are you listening?

posted by Ms. Lori @ 9:26 AM