Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Michele and Wayne: The True Story

As some of you may know, Michele Agnew is known far and wide as the Arm Wrestling Champion, Las Vegas, 1997. She captured her title by beating legendary crooner, Wayne Newton -- impressive to say the least.

What you may not know, however, is that Ms. Agnew also had a torrid affair with Mr. Newton. I know this to be the truth because I was there. And it wasn't pretty.

It all started with Michele calling me up one day complaining that she was bored...

MICHELE: Let's do something wacky, Lori. Something totally nuts and terribly frivolous!

long pause

ME: Okay? Like?

MICHELE: Hang on, hon -- I dropped my snapping turtle.

ME: Micheeeeele! [said with frustration] I thought you said you were putting that thing back in the creek.

MICHELE: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I was thinking, why not go to Vegas? I mean, I've never been. Have you?

scritchy, snappy, yawning sounds

ME: Michele, put the turtle down. And no, I haven't been. I heard it smells like pee.

MICHELE: Come on! It'll be fun! We could get really drunk and pelt the Boobs on Ice girls with Raisinettes!

ME: Well, now that you put it that way...Sure! Las Vegas, here we come!

And so it began. Michele and I arrived that night in Las Vegas, Nevada; we were hungry, tired, and PMSing like hell. We needed to drink. We needed two burly cowboys in sequined thongs. So after we unpacked, put on our whoriest outfits (she in a gold lame' mini, me in a black lace bustier and clear platform shoes), we hit the Strip.

What a sight! What beauty and horror we beheld! It was almost overwhelming, but after a few shots of Jose Cuervo and a couple of Corona each, we began to feel right at home. We were shit-faced beyond what is feminine, especially Michele. And I think that's what appealed to the proprietor of Howdy Dude's Bar & Arm-Wrestling Extravaganza. Apparently, he scouts out attractive, shit-faced women in the hopes that they will participate in his bi-weekly arm-wrestling tournaments. He saw Michele and had to have her.

She, of course, agreed to his meager offering of free booze and, should she win, the sixty-seven dollar purse.

She murdered her first opponent right off the bat -- brought his arm down in two minutes flat. The fact that the unfortunate man had no fingers is irrelevant.

Her second foe, a three hundred pound beast named Dinky, was a bit more challenging. Michele almost lost it there, but she pulled out her secret weapon, her lip gloss, and applied it so heavily, the brutish Dinky became blinded by her glowing, laser-like mouth.

Her third and final opponent was a complete surprise to all involved -- Wayne Newton himself strolled up to the table and sat down opposite Michele. We just about died. The strobe lights swirled, the bee-hived ladies squealed, and the D.J. spun the great Newton classic Danke Shoen. It was magical.

But it didn't sway Michele, not in the least. She fought like a tigress hungry for gazelle cake, she humbled that black-haired messiah and made him whimper. By the end of that bout, not only had Michele won the purse, she won Wayne Newton's heart.

To make a long and possibly pornographic story short, they didn't leave his hotel room for the rest of the weekend. I was forced to entertain myself by shooting pool with transvestites and stuffing dollar bills into vibrating, glittering packages made of gold and silver and ruby.

I slept with Mike Tyson, too, but that's a whole other ball of earwax.

Anyway, Michele and Wayne broke up on Sunday morning due to the fact that she was made ill by Wayne's hair dye -- poor girl not only broke out in giant hives, she hallucinated and sang show tunes. It was awful.

On the trip home, Michele swore me to secrecy, made me promise that I would never, ever tell a soul about our lost weekend in Vegas. I patted her bumpy head and crossed my heart. And I kept my promise for almost nine years, regardless of the tabloids offering thousands for my story, Dateline pounding on my door...I kept my promise. Till now.

Forgive me, Michele, but the world deserves to know.

36 Comments:

At 11:02 AM, Blogger Michele said...

Oh-my-goodness!! Thankfully I burned the snapshots of that weekend. Well, at least the ones that I did not sell to Newton-Lust Monthly.

BUT, I did not reveal my identity. Damn, what if Barry Man-a-crush reads this? He will cancel our Copacabana weekend, and The Donald will certainly sniff out this story. I am so fired.

Thanks Ms. Lori. Paybacks are a bitch.

Talk to you soon Payback (wink).

 
At 11:07 AM, Blogger Mamacita said...

Does anyone but me remember the time Wayne Newton guest-starred on "Bonanza?" As a KID?

As for Michele and her arm-wrestling: I THOUGHT that was her! I was at the next table over, playing footsie with Siegfried and Roy. Neither seemed interested. I was shocked. They seemed like such friendly and affectionate men. . . . .

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Rohit said...

Hello, Michele sent me here :)

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Zee said...

laughing so hard you made me cry!

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger mommalion said...

Hi- Michele sent me! Thanks for the laugh- I sure needed it!! (Why don't I ever have that much fun in Vegas??)

 
At 12:16 PM, Blogger Zee said...

and yes, Michele sent me. ;o)

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger Suzanne said...

Thanks for that salacious tidbit about the enigmatic Michele.

Who, by the way, sent me.

Hi!

 
At 12:33 PM, Blogger cursingmama said...

Hi- Michele Sent Me -
Wayne Newton? Hunh

 
At 12:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, Michele sent me.

Wayne Newton? Arm wrestling? And all this time I thought it was Drew Carey and yodeling.

 
At 12:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh My-My-My! What stories you do tell. Ops I mean, YOU are a great weaver of Hushed-Truth.

Michele sent me! I am glad she did I'll be back :-)
Sallie @ www.attheheartofit.com

 
At 1:26 PM, Blogger John said...

Hilarious!

Although Michele didn't send me.

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger Brandie said...

Michele sent me. I always knew there were some dirty secrets hiding behind that general perkiness...

 
At 1:38 PM, Blogger John said...

Okay, now Michele sent me.

 
At 1:55 PM, Blogger Luka said...

lol. and that's not just a net speak acronym. i actually did laugh out loud ;)

Michele sent me, as did Blex :)

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Michele sent me too! I've never been to Vegas, sounds like fun. Or maybe you need to be with Lori & Michele to appreciate it!

 
At 3:00 PM, Blogger SEV said...

hey the person who hates you now sent me
and i will only say that females harbour the deepest secrets..

 
At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is an AWESOME post! Michele sent me too!

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger Curator said...

Hehe! Remind me never to piss off Michele. ;)

Hello, Michele sent me.

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Busy Mom said...

Michele sent me, and boy was this enlightening!

 
At 5:03 PM, Blogger Pink Poppy said...

Lori, I am SO glad that you are not as good a friend as I am. I'm stuck just telling stories on myself. (...still laughing...) Priceless.

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger J said...

Michele sent me and that was oen of a kind. Way better than any of my Vegas stories.

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger ms ralph said...

Your blog is so interesting! I don't know if I should cry, laugh, or just smile. It must be exhausting thinking up new and interesting ways to write entries.
Oh and Michelle sent me too.

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger trisha said...

Hi. Michele sent me.

Lori, I am sure this post is very funny. I, however, haven't the attention span to read it right now.

 
At 7:49 PM, Blogger Lala said...

Yes, Michele sent me. I bet she looks good in gold lame

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Webmiztris said...

hi, michele sent me!

This is a great entry! I read some entries below too - very good stuff!!

webmiztris.diaryland.com

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Toni said...

Hello, Michele sent me. And thanks to you, we now know more about her :)

 
At 9:09 PM, Blogger twenty something said...

Hey, Michelle sent me...

And this story is the reason why the saying, "whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" is around.

 
At 9:13 PM, Blogger Sarcastic Ornery Barista said...

Hello, Michele sent me. Having just recently returned from Vegas, I can tell you the buzz about her is still going strong.

 
At 9:55 PM, Blogger Betsy said...

Michele sent me too...

I laughed...I cried...I snorted hot tea out my nose.

My sinuses thank you...

 
At 10:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not really anonymous but blogger isn't being nice to me today.

Michele sent me.

BTW, she knows you're telling stories out of school. ;)

Not Anonymous,

Mullican
http://www.cantkeepquiet.com

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger La Nina said...

SCENE: Michele's bedroom. Tight shot of bed and suitcase as she unpacks.

CUE MUSIC: "We Are the Champions" by Queen

Individual items are transferred onto the bed.
1997 Arm Wrestling Champion Trophy
Gold lame miniskirt
Laser Lip gloss
Baggie labeled "Lock of Wayne Newton's Hair"
Benadryl Creme

As last item is unpacked, the camera drops to the floor revealing dust bunnies under the bed as a giggling fit erupts in the background.

CUE TAG LINE: "Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"

Until your friend rats you out at least. ;)
That completely cracked me up.
Michele sent me, but not to create this. Hee.

 
At 11:53 PM, Blogger wowedout said...

hello,michelle sent me.

 
At 12:19 AM, Blogger jen said...

heheheh, i bet michele's happy.

she's happy enough to send me.

take care

 
At 1:45 AM, Blogger TC said...

Michele sent me.

Brilliant post. Way to play it.

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Müzikdüde said...

This is really weird.
I lived in Vegas for 6 years and I think I may know this story (second hand)...I was making extra money by dancing at Howdy Dude's (sequined thong and all) on the night this happened. Wayne came in with his bleached teeth and hair all shellacked ready to go...he was looking for love...

Wait. I just realized. This post is my next rip off.
Thanks Lori...I usually only rip ideas from Michele and the Doc(s) because their blogs are the only worthy ones, but yours has tons of potential for someone with writer's block.

 
At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually, I'm sorry I missed the fun!
Wayne

 

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