Tuesday, December 06, 2005

No Wonder Brad Booked (Booked: 80's slang meaning to flee, leave, go somewhere else; commonly used by stoners )

I stumbled upon a curious thing today via Perez Hilton, something that confirmed my longtime suspicions at last, something about Jennifer Aniston’s nipples, to be exact.

Some of you may remember my distaste of all things Aniston, but one of my biggest peeves regarding that little honey chin is most definitely her improbably erect nipples. I hate ‘em. No matter what the woman is doing, no matter what medium she is displaying her abysmal lack of talent, no matter if it’s winter, spring, summer or fall, no matter if she’s wearing a turtleneck sweater, bulky jacket or teeny tank, Aniston makes sure that her vinyl record-size areoles and rubber eraser nips are glued on tight, stiff and ready for camera action.

I heard through a friend of a friend of a friend who is a friend of a friend to Brad Pitt that he bears some wicked scarring on his back due to being constantly scraped and prodded by Aniston’s mondo pasties while lying in the spoon position.. That same friend of a friend of a friend also divulged that the fake nipple-honkers are festooned with tiny thorn-like black hairs -- it’s anybody’s guess as to why.

Here, for your disapproval, is photographic proof that Jennifer Aniston sports fake, hairy, black nipples:



Really, now.



At least she could get some of those realistic flesh-colored fake nipples, you know, like Marilyn Monroe used to wear. I might add that only Marilyn could get away with fake nipples, Marilyn and nobody else., because Marilyn was a true star, a genius talent, a beautiful, adorable, dark goddess, and she wore her fake nipples discretely, with class and fabulous, coquettish decorum.

You sicken me, Aniston. Why don't you and your fake nips go ride off into the sunset of obscurity with that drunken, disheveled Lothario of yours so I don't have to write such nasty things anymore. You make me like this, Jen, and I don't enjoy it one bit.

6 Comments:

At 9:08 AM, Anonymous keef said...

C'mon, Ms. Lori! All nipples are lovely. They're nature's placeholders!

(no, I don't know what that means. I don't remember when I slept last and I need to produce another many pages worth of highly-formatted well-documented research-style text I want to die)

 
At 7:10 PM, Blogger Jas... said...

Anything that happens in Hollywood is done as a publicity stunt. Go figure, Aniston's latest movie is about to come out! What a surprise that this should happen right before it's release!


Oh, Perez Hilton's site is now one of my favorites, thanks to you! Good job! :D

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

With the risk of forever losing your affection, I will tell all the world now that I hate Brad Pitt and his inflated lipped girlfriend who closely ressembles a blow up doll for which I paid a month's salary working at Burger King when I was 17. That's right, it makes me ill to see these too pretty people everytime I check out at the Value Mart or inadvertantly click on the Entertaiment Channel as I eat my TV dinners alone on Saturday nights. Fuck them and every other person who had a date for their prom while I sat in my father's 1959 Studebaker sucking on a plastic nipple pretending, without success, to be the captain of the football team instead of the winner of the school chess challenge.

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Don't die, Keef! I would cry many tears, you know. Good luck with the paper.

Jas, yeah, I think she knew damn well someone would click on her nips. Why sunbathe nude if you don't want someone clicking on your nips? I know that when I go topless in my backyard, I revel in the clicking. She's an ass.

G-Man, that was freaking great! "...while I sat in my father's 1959 Studebaker sucking on a plastic nipple..." HAW!

 
At 11:04 AM, Blogger Bill said...

I'm sorry, Ms. Lori, but I LIKE Jenn!!!

 
At 11:21 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, dear. Her fake nips got to you.

Why, that conniving witch.

 

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