Friday, November 25, 2005

It Took Two Men and a Crowbar to Pry That Stool From Between My Buttocks

But that's what I get for eating forty pounds of turkey and a whole ham with all the fixings yesterday.

Although, to my credit, I did not eat even one pie. I know my limits, dammit.

Now on to a rant that has nothing to do with stools or flabulous giganticus buttocks:

I just read the most appalling post on a message board I visit, and though I had a lot to say to the person who wrote it, I kept my fingers to myself, because, well, my reply would've included words like "cheapo," "asshat," and "cheapo asshat." And, gee, as my tagline says, I am a kind women who is capable of thinking horrible thoughts. It's a good thing to know when to spew those horrible thoughts and risk hurting some clueless asshat's feelings and when to spew them on one's blog. Since the clueless asshat in this situation has a lot of back-patting friends (whereas I, unfortunately, do not), I decided to duck out on the fun of being crucified for pointing out said asshat's asshatedness and post here, my safe little obscure blog.

Okay, so asshat has a book available, some anthology for charity thing that Roc put out, and asshat is proud, as she should be, and decides to mass e-mail friends and family about her recent success. Fine. Thing is, asshat got her panties all in a bunch when her eighty-something nana e-mails back with a request for a signed copy of the book.

Yes, asshat was upset that Nana dared request a copy of her assahat granddaughter's first book.

And if that didn't make my insides turn like a screw, asshat's back-patting friends couldn't wait to jump in with their empathetic remarks. What's worse, they, including the board administrator, stomped on some poor soul who ventured to add his opinion that asshat was being petty, in so many words.

Not for nothing, but although I certainly don't offer information to every single family member and friend about every single upcoming publication, I did make a big deal about my Borderlands appearances, and I threw down a few dozen bucks in order to give copies to the following people: My best friend, my mother, my two grandmas.

Yep. I actually gave my nanas copies of the first bigtime book I ever appeared in, and I even inscribed them. Hang on a sec -- I think I may have even given my next door neighbor a copy of "From the Borderlands." Am I a loon or what?

Here's something that truly deserves disdain, asshat: In the past year or so, I have been contacted by complete strangers, some from overseas, who have requested signed copies of a couple of magazines I appeared in as well as Borderlands 5. They all stated that because the publications in question were no longer available/not for sale in their country/sold out/whatever, would I be willing to help them out, thank you.

My astute intuition tells me they wouldn't attempt this with Stephen King or Gary Braunbeck, but because I'm a lowly unknown, they feel comfortable asking me. Like I'm supposed to be flattered? I replied with a roundabout "ever hear of Shocklines/Amazon/Google/eBay? If not, please acquaint yourself with the Internet, and happy shopping. I'd be glad to sign your purchases, and you will, of course, pay postage both ways."

That, my cheapo friend, is something bunch-worthy. Now go give your nana a hug and tell her you're sorry for being such an asshat.


At 7:42 PM, Blogger Jas... said...

Nice shot, girl! Go a little easier on the milk shakes, huh? :D

My measely little novel generated requests from many friends for signing, which I did without question. I just thought it was part of the gig.

Well, I'm at least an avid worshipper of you, Ms. Lori!

At 10:01 PM, Anonymous Jeni said...

Sounds like the asshat in question is trying to get attention. When you decide to let your fingers fly, tell her I said she's a pretentious bitch on top of being an asshat.
Having only been published in magazines or newspapers, I've yet to be asked for a signed copy but I can't imagine why I would throw such a hissy fit over something so trivial...
The only time I've ever shied away from something over an article was when a reader wrote and volunteered to go kick my mom's ass...HA! Yeah, that was weird.

At 3:53 PM, Blogger J. Stephen Reid said...

If I ever published anything, I'd probably buy a few hundred copies of it and hand it out to every person I ever met. I'd have a big 'ol shit-eating grin on my face all the while.

But that's just me, I guess.

At 5:02 PM, Anonymous Bill said...

Hey, Lori,

I kind of agree with asshat (but you know I'm an asshat, journals point that out). At least to some degree. I mean...I didn't give my mother copies of Borderlands (well, I gave her an ARC of FTBL) because I just couldn't afford it. And while I have given out copies of FTBL as gifts, I don't do it often. On the other hand, I didn't really agree with asshat getting all upset by it. While I can dig the idea that most writers aren't paid enough to give out tons of free copies, it doesn't need to be announced like that. I would've felt more for her had she just said "someone I know." To give a copy because you want to is one thing, but to be asked for a copy by anyone, family notwithstanding, is just rude. It goes back to whoever gave the writer and butcher story.

But, like I said, you already knew I was an asshat. It's part of my charm.

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

I kinda like my thighs, Jas...All the better to suffocate poor Lar.

And it is *I* who worships *you*. Seriously.

Jeni, yeah, the attention thing makes sense. Ugh. Some people, you know?

Joshie, you'd better have me high on the list of recipients, or else!

Hey, Bill! Um, I mean, Hi, asshat! ;-) I see where you're coming from -- I've had to tell various family members that contrary to what they may believe, I didn't receive a buttload of copies, so tough nuggies. Of course, most of those family members gave not one round rabbit pellet about me or my writing aspirations before I started getting published, so...

It was the grandma thing that did it for me. I found that to be sickening. Sure, we're not making the bucks hand over fist, and we can't give out copies to everyone who asks, but the nanas? Oh, HELL yes!

BTW, you're not an asshat. A handsome, moody, talented bastard, but definitely not an asshat. ;-)

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Bill said...

All right, Lori...first the thing with the glasses, now calling me handsome...

You wanna be my pimp?

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Sure, but I get 95% of all earnings, beyatch.

At 10:00 PM, Blogger Bill said...


At 12:13 PM, Blogger Rotting Dead said...

Nice post! Just to throw my three cent opinion into the ring. The asshat should be thoroughly ashamed of herself. Whereas I can see how giving is a bit 'taxing' on a writer, I agree that Nanas should be exempt from both a loss of profit category and the asking faux-pas.

But who asked me?

Have a spectacular day!!!

At 1:34 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

YAY! A fellow nana appreciator!

Thanks for supporting my CORRECT opinion ***sticking tongue out at my new ho*** ;-)


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