Monday, March 28, 2005

Anyone Need Some Ex-Lax?

Okay, I know I’ve been a lax(ative) mothereffing craphead in updating lately, but the truth is, I really don’t feel like writing in my blog. I don’t feel like writing, period. Not even my shopping list. Lordy, you should’ve seen my shopping list last Friday. Very lean, no plot, wooden characters, and my penmanship was atrocious; case in point: my husband, who usually does the grocery shopping, purchased Ex-Lax instead of the “purple medicine” (aka Children’s Advil) I’d scrawled on the list, and presented the little box of chocolatey magic to me with a grin and a “stopped up, Lor?”

No, Lar, I’m not “stopped up.” I wrote “purple medicine” on the list, not “poop medicine.” I couldn’t remember the brand of fever-reducer we usually get because my brain is screwed to high heaven, and Ariel came down with a raging fever, and I just wanted the list to be done with, so I wrote “purple medicine” figuring you’d know what I was talking about, okay? What the hell’s wrong with you? Can’t you read my mind, Lar? CAN’T YOU READ MY GODDAMNED MIND?!

So he looks at me and says, “The words ‘poop medicine” are clearly written on this list. P-O-O-P, see?”

Yes, it clearly said “poop medicine,” but that didn’t shame me into admitting that my brain activity as well as my penmanship are akin to a drunken infant‘s. No, instead I go, “Well, what if I had diarrhea? Huh? What if I did, Lar? What if I needed, like, Immodium AD or something? YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL! Wahhhhh! Oh, WAHHHHHHHHH!

Oh, I'm embellishing a bit here, but clearly, my husband deserves a Saint of the Year award. Or something.

One last thing before I go light up my pipe:

Dear My Daughter’s Teachers,

She has clothes to wear -- clean clothes. Many, many pairs of lovely pants, fashionable pants, pants that cost an arm and a leg if you’re of the typical shrinking middle income bracket, which we most certainly are.. Unfortunately, my girl prefers to wear only a select number of items There is simply no explanation as to why she decided to wear camouflage snow-pants today other than the fact I didn’t feel like doing laundry for a few days, and her select favorites are in the dirty clothes basket. I think it’s fair to say that a busy mom like myself has every right not to do laundry on Easter Sunday. I prepared a big-ass turkey dinner, had company over, y’know, shit like that. You understand, I’m sure.

So when you hear my daughter swishing into class today with her big snow-panted legs, please know that although I definitely do not approve, I can do nothing to prevent future clothing mishaps; my daughter, as you know, is in a class all by herself. She rocks, though, yeah?

Allow me to apologize in advance for the mud-stained, ripped-at-the-hem, so-long-they-drag-under-her-heels baby blue pajama pants she will insist on wearing tomorrow.


Lori Young


At 10:08 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

OK, seems evident to me that your life is out of fucking control. You probably could benefit from an adventure that takes your bored ass away from such topics as Ex-Lax, husbands and snow pants. Here is a top 10 list of doable adventures:

1. Begin an online romance with Scott Peterson or your choice of death row inmate.
2. Write a piece for a magazine on why the plug should be pulled on the Pope. With all the shit coming down on ending lives, you'd at least get yourself on Larry King.
3. Have an affair with Larry King.
4. Have "KISS THIS" tattooed on your ass. You decide on the fun to have with this one.
5. Get the gals in the local struggling authors' club to do a 2006 calendar; one in which you could use your tattoo for maybe February ... you know, lovers' month!

OK, perhaps others who visit this post could suggest ideas. Heaven only knows how much you could use them right now.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger Rotting Dead said...

Personally, I think posts about Ex-Lax are getting harder and harder to find,but who am I to judge. *Shrug*

Following Gary suggestion:

#6) Go to your nearest major airport with several butane lighters on your person. When they try to confiscate them (thanks to the new ban) insist on speaking to a representative of the Transportation Security Administration.

Okay, that may not be as fun as it sounded in my head.

At 7:27 AM, Blogger Anne said...

Wow you crack me up.
Wish my mom had let me wear snow pants (or pajama bottoms) to school. Then again, she was fine with those jeans I ripped down the side to my crotch that one year. hmm....

At 4:05 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Wow, I appreciate the time you all took to comment -- I sat here for FIVE minutes waiting for this page to load. Been trying to comment on others' Blogger blogs for two days now, but have had no patience.


Honestly now, it's been, what? -- a frigging month of constant problems?

Anyway. Gary, what's up with the Brad Pitt photo? And I may just try number 3, but only if I can put a bag over his head first. He might buy me something nice for my troubles.

Uh, Rotting Dead type person? WTF? ;-) Go eat a brain or something.

Anne, I did the same thing with my pants back in the day -- had safety pins holding them together all the way up the thighs. Sick!

At 8:40 PM, Blogger Alexis said...

I used to have a red pinstripe dress I wore until it was WAY to small to be decent. The I wore it as a skirt -with a heart pin securing it at the crotch. Mom loved that look, not.

At 9:26 AM, Blogger Rotting Dead said...

Ms. Lori, when blogger gets their shit together, please stop by my blog and see why I chose the Rotting Dead handle.

Sorry if my humor was a bit dry...:-)


At 2:55 PM, Blogger Kim said...

Lori, I sooooooooooooo feel your pain. My 13 year old went to school and told the principal the reason she wore her tinkerbell pajamas to school was because she didn't have any clothing and what she did have was dirty. I live only 9 houses from the school. I invited the pricipal over to see for herself that A) the kid has more clothes stuffed into her closet and under her bed than the rest of the family combined and B) that there wasn't a stitch of clothing in the laundry. Turns out, she was dared by one of her friends to wear them and accepted. She'll be in detention today.

At 3:46 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Kim, they gave her detention?! Yikes! Bit harsh, I'd say, but POOR YOU!

It's the parents that suffer. Always.


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