Prehistoric Cow Captured By Kids!
Rochester, NY (Staff reporter) --
Zoologists from all over the country convened on Mr. Brown's farm Saturday morning after reports of an enormous cow-type creature roaming the hills of the Bergen, NY dairy farm reached near-frenzy level. "I thought it was a joke," states Mr. Brown, "didn't think much of it at first. Then I saw her myself and just about crapped my pants."
The creature, which has been identified as Bovinicus Maximus, believed extinct for 20,000,000 years, has flipped the scientific world on its ear and caused many prominent paleontologists as well as leading cryptozoologists, to, in the words of Mr. Brown, "crap their pants." Dr. Joseph Crick, professor emeritus, Harvard School of Weird Animals, and curator of The Museum of Weird Animals, does not deny that he did indeed deposit fecal mater into his own pants. "When I laid eyes on that magnificent creature, I immediately felt a loosening of my bowels; I turned to my colleague, Dr. Sherry North, and asked if she, too, was feeling the same thing. She was, and she did." Dr. Crick continues, "We were, understandably, in shock, especially when we realized that there were four young children riding the back of Bovinicus Maximus."
The children Dr. Crick is referring to, and who shall remain anonymous due to their ages, appeared unconcerned, and in fact appeared to be enjoying themselves despite the hoopla surrounding them. This journalist admits to taking part in the melee by screaming "hold on, for the love of God, hold on!" along with the children's parents and various onlookers. One of the girls, pictured above in skater shorts, smiled and waved to the crowd even as five sharpshooters, all armed with elephant tranquilizer, positioned themselves directly in the giant cow's path. "Get outta the way, retards!" was her only exclamation. It was the oldest girl, pictured holding her three-year-old brother, who made the decision to disembark from the animal. As she stated later, she had been worried that the sharpshooters wouldn't be so sharp. Wise decision. Shortly after the children slid from Bovinicus Maximus' back and into the capable arms of special forces agents, all five sharpshooters released approximately twenty-five rounds of tranquilizer, all but two missing their mark. Fifteen dairy cows and one goat lost their lives to the stray darts. Mr. Brown has retained the locally well-known litigators Celino and Barnes to represent his case, court date pending as of press time.
Bovinicus Maximus, according to Crick, is a docile creature who feeds on grass and small trees, and though its gargantuan size could pose a threat (unintentional trampling), it does seem to take special care when moving about, as if aware of its potential danger to lesser creatures. Crick says, "The gentleness she displayed with the children is testament to her docility, and the public should know that there is absolutely nothing to fear. She has been contained, and is being held in an undisclosed location. She is doing quite well, and seems to appreciate having her teats pulled."