Things I Will Force Myself To Like in 2005
A) My ever-expanding yet still perky and firm ass. If it droops even one inch, though, I vow to hack it off with my husband’s buzz saw.B) Rubber gloves.
C) The word “maw.”
D) That one pesky hair that insists on reappearing under my chin despite repeated pluckings. I think I’ll name it Mary Jo.
E) My innate, totally uncontrived ditzyness. Honestly, some days I swear my I.Q. dips below 40. I am a true blonde, yo.
F) My neighbor across the street. Gonna be tough, liking that one, but I’ll make a sincere effort to push back the urge to kick him in his fucking neck.
G) My cat’s queer propensity to lie on my chest while I read or watch T.V., her face 1/4 inch from mine. I don’t get it, and it weirds me out, but, hey, I’ll try.
H) My oldest daughter’s blossoming gorgeousness. Where’s my baby, man?
I) Her boyfriend. Handsome and polite as he is, he’s way too manly-looking for my taste. And tall. And he has a penis. But I’ll swallow my gorge and make an attempt.
J) My husband. HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAA! The bastard.
K) George W. Bush
L) And if you believe that one, you don’t know me very well, and that's just a crying shame. Visit me more often, lover.
M) Paris Hilton. Why? I don’t know. Just because.
Hmmmm. I can’t think of anything else I should force myself to like right now. I like most everything, really. Well, except headcheese. That will never, ever happen, not if I live to be two hundred and fifty-six. Nope.
posted by Ms. Lori @ 11:27 AM
6 Comments:
I think I'm just gonna send all the skinny ass actresses food this year. Top of my list? Kira Knightley and Paris Hilton. They need food, STAT!
Gun to my head: That's a hard one. I guess I could try to like one of the chaps from Good Charlotte. That's extremely difficult for me, because I vowed to kill one of them last year.
Oh, P.J., oh sweet Peter, may I please take your pillow's place? I promise I'll wrap my JLo ass up tight in a sarong or something so that it doesn't crowd you out of the bed, and I'll pluck my neck hair so that it doesn't poke you in your darling eye.
Say you'll be mine.
Oh, I got a-scared when I saw k). But oh-so-relieved, and ultimately not surprised when I read l).
Oh and Mary-Jo, meet Betty-Sue.
Jen
www.lambic.co.uk/jenblog
That was my favorite resolution/non resolution entry so far this year. If you keep being sooo nice to me, I may start to like my own bum as well. Also, I don't understand cats much at all. Mine used to sleep on my head (yes on my head!), but he stopped. I think he doesn't like my satin pillowcase, or his fat ass just doesn't fit there anymore.
okay,I can even sort of understand the GWB -- though I can't see you or any other sane human trying too hard on that one -- but only because we're trapped with him. . .but why MAW? and do you mean as in gaping maw or Maw as in Maw and Paw? Why work toward liking this word?
My oldest child would have given your Butler boy a run for his babe magnet money. He was phenomenally cute -- women would cross the street to worship him. He had blond curly hair and ENORMOUS brown eyes. My other two boys were fine specimen, naturally. . .but that first one! Wow. And now? He's 14, got pimples and is gangly.
What about Jessica Simpson? Lord knows, she needs someone to like her!
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