Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Things I Will Force Myself To Like in 2005

A) My ever-expanding yet still perky and firm ass. If it droops even one inch, though, I vow to hack it off with my husband’s buzz saw.

B) Rubber gloves.

C) The word “maw.”

D) That one pesky hair that insists on reappearing under my chin despite repeated pluckings. I think I’ll name it Mary Jo.

E) My innate, totally uncontrived ditzyness. Honestly, some days I swear my I.Q. dips below 40. I am a true blonde, yo.

F) My neighbor across the street. Gonna be tough, liking that one, but I’ll make a sincere effort to push back the urge to kick him in his fucking neck.

G) My cat’s queer propensity to lie on my chest while I read or watch T.V., her face 1/4 inch from mine. I don’t get it, and it weirds me out, but, hey, I’ll try.

H) My oldest daughter’s blossoming gorgeousness. Where’s my baby, man?

I) Her boyfriend. Handsome and polite as he is, he’s way too manly-looking for my taste. And tall. And he has a penis. But I’ll swallow my gorge and make an attempt.

J) My husband. HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAA! The bastard.

K) George W. Bush

L) And if you believe that one, you don’t know me very well, and that's just a crying shame. Visit me more often, lover.

M) Paris Hilton. Why? I don’t know. Just because.

Hmmmm. I can’t think of anything else I should force myself to like right now. I like most everything, really. Well, except headcheese. That will never, ever happen, not if I live to be two hundred and fifty-six. Nope.

10 Comments:

At 12:04 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

A gun at my head? I would force myself to like to watch Oscar night with all the inflated egos with equally inflated bank accounts strutting across the stage or reluctantly posing for People Mag. And I would force myself to admire and look up to all professional athletes whose yearly incomes are equal to or greater than the annual budgets of most of the countries hit by last week's tsunami. And I'm sure I could go on all day with this list, but I don't want to overstay my welcome. Love, Gary

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger P.J.Backman said...

Two words: "body pillow."

That is, until I can lure a suitable biological surrogate for such a device to take its place in my boudoire... allowing me to drift off into restful slumber without rolling around like a Ball Park hot dog being pan-seared with butter.

:)

 
At 2:58 PM, Blogger mhe said...

I think I'm just gonna send all the skinny ass actresses food this year. Top of my list? Kira Knightley and Paris Hilton. They need food, STAT!

Gun to my head: That's a hard one. I guess I could try to like one of the chaps from Good Charlotte. That's extremely difficult for me, because I vowed to kill one of them last year.

 
At 4:56 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, P.J., oh sweet Peter, may I please take your pillow's place? I promise I'll wrap my JLo ass up tight in a sarong or something so that it doesn't crowd you out of the bed, and I'll pluck my neck hair so that it doesn't poke you in your darling eye.

Say you'll be mine.

 
At 11:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I got a-scared when I saw k). But oh-so-relieved, and ultimately not surprised when I read l).

Oh and Mary-Jo, meet Betty-Sue.

Jen

www.lambic.co.uk/jenblog

 
At 11:50 PM, Blogger keef said...

hee hee! Those all seem like pretty likeable things.

Except the neighbor.

 
At 12:16 AM, Blogger ms ralph said...

That was my favorite resolution/non resolution entry so far this year. If you keep being sooo nice to me, I may start to like my own bum as well. Also, I don't understand cats much at all. Mine used to sleep on my head (yes on my head!), but he stopped. I think he doesn't like my satin pillowcase, or his fat ass just doesn't fit there anymore.

 
At 6:52 AM, Blogger Luc said...

Hello, my name is Lou. I am 6 years old. I am blind from birth, and
profoundly different in my head...
One year ago, my daddy decided to create a webblog to share with people the slightly crazy experience of my discovery of life. Now, after a great success in french (I'm french speaking), this blog start to be translated in english progressively, but it's very difficult to let it discover to the english web community.
So, if you are curious, let come visit my blog and if you like it, refer it.
Thank you.
Regards.
Lou (through daddy's words)

http://www.a-lou.com/

 
At 12:53 PM, Blogger Kate R said...

okay,I can even sort of understand the GWB -- though I can't see you or any other sane human trying too hard on that one -- but only because we're trapped with him. . .but why MAW? and do you mean as in gaping maw or Maw as in Maw and Paw? Why work toward liking this word?

My oldest child would have given your Butler boy a run for his babe magnet money. He was phenomenally cute -- women would cross the street to worship him. He had blond curly hair and ENORMOUS brown eyes. My other two boys were fine specimen, naturally. . .but that first one! Wow. And now? He's 14, got pimples and is gangly.

 
At 5:10 PM, Blogger Tom Carter said...

What about Jessica Simpson? Lord knows, she needs someone to like her!

 

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