Sunday, January 02, 2005

Interview With Ms. Lori's Liquor Bottle

Q: Good morning, Liquor Bottle. I'd like to first thank you for taking the time to speak with us.

LB: Thank you for having me.

Q: I’m sure many of our readers would be interested in knowing how you started in the business -- did you always want to be a liquor bottle? What steps did you take in order to achieve your success?

LB: Well, actually, no, being a liquor bottle was not my first and only aspiration; when I was much younger, I’d always imagined that I would follow in my father’s footsteps. As you know, he is highly regarded in the racing field, and --

Q: Of course. For those readers who may not already be aware, Liquor Bottle’s father, Steering Wheel, has worked with some of the top NASCAR drivers, most notably the late, great Dale Earnhardt.

LB: Yes, and his son as well. But during my apprenticeship with my father, I was approached by Joe Bob Jenkins --

Q: The CEO of Wild Kentucky Whiskey, Inc.

LB: Uh, yeah. And he offered me a top level position as Juvi VP.

Q: Juvi? Odd title, if you don’t mind me saying.

LB: [Laughs] Keep in mind, I was only fourteen at the time. Joe Bob has a great sense of humor.

Q: I’ve heard. So you started out under Jenkins’ wing -- what was the deciding factor in branching out on your own?

LB: My father. He despised Joe Bob, as would be expected. Drinking and driving...well...Dad wasn’t happy with my decision [to leave the family business]. My father referred to Joe Bob as that “F*cking Hooch Monger,” even to his face. Joe Bob would often pick me up for work, and whenever Dad answered the door, he’d summon me by saying, “Son, the F*cking Hooch Monger’s here!”

Q: That must have been difficult.

LB: It was, it was...And I certainly understood my father’s animosity. I’d slapped him in his face, so to speak. But by the time I was twenty-one, I knew that being an independent liquor bottle was something I had to do. Almost as if that path had been chosen for me by some higher power. I felt I had no choice but to sever my relationship with Dad and Joe Bob.

Q: Powerful stuff. Tell us how you met Ms. Lori.

LB: Funny story -- When I saw her walk into Shiny Spirits, I knew she was the one for me. You see, as she entered the establishment, she tripped over the walking stick of an old blind man who‘d been wildly swinging his way through the aisles. The proprietor, as well as many of my colleagues, had been bracing ourselves for the worst -- I mean, the guy was really swinging that stick! One of the sales clerks politely attempted to assist the old man, but he begged off, insisted that he be left alone. Anyway, after Ms. Lori stumbled over the stick, fell onto the floor, face first, she surprised everyone by uttering a stream of obscenities at the codger. Called him a “stupid, insane a*shole,” I believe. Told him that she would, “take that g*ddamned stick” and “ram it up” his “saggy, pimpled a*s.”

Q: That is funny.

LB: I thought so.

Q: What happened next?

LB: After Ms. Lori calmed down, brushed herself off, she made her way toward the fine Champagne. It was like something out of a romantic film -- we locked eyes, my heart began to pound, her mouth began to quiver, and we just...knew. She lifted me to her bosom, cradled me, cooed in my ear, and I just about passed out from lust. Her musky scent intoxicated me, her trembling, drooling lips put me in a daze -- I call her my Little Poppy. [Laughs]

Q: She purchased you, brought you home, and....?

LB: I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I will say this: She’s insatiable. An animal.

Q: All night long, was it?

LB: All night long. Over and over again. By the time I was spent, she was screaming for Jesus.

Q: Impressive.

LB: It’s what I do best, my brother. It’s what I do best.

Q: Indeed. Will you be seeing Ms. Lori again any time soon?

LB: You bet. Her fifteenth wedding anniversary is coming up February tenth, and let’s just say that I’ll be giving that husband of hers a run for the money. [Laughs and laughs and laughs]


At 11:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha, great read, really enjoyed it. and all the best for the New Year ;))


At 11:31 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Reader: (laughs and laughs and laughs). You are TOO funny, Ms. Lori!

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Kath Fish said...

Lori Young, you crack me up...

At 2:35 PM, Blogger Diva said...

Great style and wit - loved it!

Happy New Year!

At 4:31 PM, Blogger P.J.Backman said...

I wonder where one can purchase a liquor-bottle costume and a round-trip ticket to NY. :)

You continue to be my hero, little girl.

At 6:00 PM, Blogger G-Man said...

You have a gift, my dear. I wish you lived a street or two away. Our minds would become fine friends.

At 9:05 PM, Blogger Tom Carter said...

Cat, shaking his head and tsk-tsk-tsking, would like to ask if you've sought professional help. (Tsking is hard for a cat, you know.)

At 9:52 PM, Blogger Rotting Dead said...

Sounds like a story the liquor bottle was truly honored & proud to tell.


At 3:35 PM, Blogger ms ralph said...

I can't say enough how much I idolize you. That was very funny.

At 12:21 AM, Blogger Jeni said...

Okay Ms. Lori, you're scaring me now...

At 7:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ms. Lori,

I'm on a mission to visit everyone who has blogmarked me on BE.

I MUST come back here more often. This stuff is fabulous.


ps My apologies for not logging in, but I can't seem to log into Blogger under the BE banner for reasons completely unknown to me.


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