Friday, December 31, 2004

Goodbye, 2004, Goodbye. Don't Let the Door Hit You on Your Fat, Skanky Ass

Well, well. New Year's Eve is almost upon us -- my favorite time of the year.

Some of you may be thinking, But why, Ms. Lori? Why is New Year's Eve your favorite time of the year?.

So, for you beautiful, curious freaks, I have assembled a short list of reasons:

11) Booze.

2) Mad Cow Sticks (tiny tortillas wrapped around beef of questionable origin).

33) Stuffed mushrooms.

90) Port wine cheese slathered on fancy crackers -- crackers that are never, ever purchased any other time of the year due to their exorbitant cost.

7) Scary movies -- unfortunately (or fortunately, depending) half of which are not watched because I’m busy laughing at my husband’s antics, such as his “blind boy from Deliverance” impression, and his always sensational “Hi, I’m a dorky yet ruthless slumlord” impression. Wait, scratch that one -- he really is a dorky yet ruthless slumlord. Never mind.

19) The ball. You know what I’m talking about. It’s so much more than a glittering metaphor; it’s literally getting rid of the old, as Dick Clark knows all too well. -- it’s a well-kept secret, one that I’m privy to, that Mr. Clark loses five old years as the new one emerges. By the time 2015 rolls around, Dick Clark will be hosting the show in Pampers and footie jammies, his toothless mouth gumming the microphone as he babbles nonsense talk to the crowd. All hail Baby Dick!

76) Drunken sex. Nothing more sublime than goofy, drunken sex at 2:00 a.m. I think that this year, I’ll dress up as Martha Stewart and Lar can be the sadistic, grossly unattractive warden. Yee haw!

Die, 2004, year of hell, year of shit! Die!

Happy, happy new year, everyone!


At 12:02 PM, Blogger Cattiva said...

I second that! Die 2004 - good riddence!

At 12:19 PM, Blogger k1tchenwitch said...

Ha! Mad cow sticks. . . only you, only you could whip up such a coffee-spraying-from-the-nose name. :)
Happy 2005!!!

At 12:45 PM, Blogger Shelly said...

Unles some miracle occurs, you're going to have to settle for Regis Philbin, not Dick Clark when the ball drops. Yes, even Dick Clark isn't invincible.

At 1:05 PM, Blogger Katie said...

Happy New Year, Lori!

At 1:07 PM, Blogger ~Dawn said...

Umm, don't want to embarass you (maybe you were hitting the spirits a little early) - your numbering is a little off. {wink}

Have a good NYsE party

At 1:22 PM, Blogger Tom Carter said...

And a Happy New Year to you and yours, too!

Cat joins me in that wish, grudgingly, from a dark corner beneath the bed, his claws extended in anticipation of a desperate defense....

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Demon King said...

LOL! Very funny Ms. Lori. Happy New Year!

At 5:06 PM, Blogger Michele said...

Ms. Lori, you know I love you my dear tell-all friend, however in the spirit of all that is countdown worthy I must ask you one little question:

what the hell is wrong with you?? Booze is number eleven?

I do not care what freakish counting system you have booze does not desrve to be number eleven. Perhaps four (following great shoes, great sex, and a powerful arm grip...but never eleven). Please lay off the cheap wine (or at least invte me over to share som so that we can learn to count together).

Hugs to you Ms. Wonderful and Happy New Year.
Atlantic City is stilll on for the spring, yes?

At 8:19 PM, Blogger ms ralph said...

Now I'm imagining drunken sex and laughing. That made up for the bus ride from hell on my NYE.

At 1:28 AM, Blogger Jeni said...

Here's to hoping that 2005 is the best yet! Happy New Year!


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