Thursday, January 20, 2005

Me and Mr. Hoo Haw; We Got a Thing Going On

As some of you may remember, I hated 2004 with every fiber of my gigantic being. It was, unequivocally, the worst year in recent memory. I needn’t go into why this is so, but please do take my word for it. It was a very bad year. And you may also remember my excitement over the beginning of a new year, my hopes and beliefs that 2005 would be payback, the year where all my dues paid would, precisely on January 1, be gathered into a big pot of much-deserved gold, a pot that would no doubt be tied up in a red bow and delivered via leprechaun to my front step.


I’m going to list what I have discovered on my front step thus far. Hint: It ain’t gold. First off, I must tell you that the tidy packages were not prettied up in bows, nor were they delivered by the venerable Lucky Charms imp -- I found a note, an ominous harbinger no bigger than a postage stamp attached to the sack, signed by a mysterious yet all-too familiar bastard named Mr. Hoo Haw.

The note reads:

Yes, It really can get worse. Oh, you have no idea...
Mr. Hoo Haw

P.S. Happy new year! Hoooooooo Hawwwwwwww!

And the sack contained the following:

A promissory note wherein the horrors of 2004 will be repeated twofold

Continued icy distance between myself and certain loved ones

A black cardboard box full of pent-up misery

A business size envelope labeled: 365 Ways to Torment Ms. Lori.
I haven’t the nerve to open it.

The flu I have never in all my life been this ill, nor have my children.

A tiny gremlin wearing a wee hat made of human feces He leapt from the sack, bounded into my home, flew up the stairs to my office, slid into my computer and promptly took a giant shit on my modem. But he still wasn’t finished. Not only did he doodoo on my modem, he felt it necessary to also crap all over my telephone line to ensure that my scheduled and much anticipated DSL would, as it had been for years, continue to exist only in my dreams.

Now, I did manage to capture and kill the gremlin, and the phone line is working properly. For now. DSL will have to wait until Lar escapes the nightmare twilight existence known to many as Work, but at least my modem is somewhat usable -- enough for me to post this, at least.

Hmmmm? What’s that you say? I should just go ahead and install the DSL myself?

Sure, okay. I‘ll get right on that -- after I rebuild the engine in my husband’s truck and finish the masonry on our patio.

Anyway, my next post will again be slow in coming as I also must attend to my sick boy. Mr. Butler has been very ill, and he has bright red spots all over his little bod. Before last night, he hadn’t eaten a bite in three days. I hand-fed him some applesauce while he soaked in the tub, and he held it down well. And yes, he’s been to the doctor -- twice in the last week. The first time they diagnosed an ear infection, gave him amoxicillin, and instead of Mr. Butler feeling better, he became even sicker. The second doctor, the one he saw yesterday, said that he doesn’t have an ear infection, but his throat is swollen and pussed-up. Lar, however, came home from the appointment empty-handed -- no prescription, no instructions, and a glib “bring him back on Friday if he’s not better” -- and Mr. Butler came home with a cough that you would not believe. Yes, I called the office and let loose a stream of insults on the poor, incompetent medical personnel, but they still insisted that we wait till Friday to bring him back in.

Yeah, life is good.


At 11:05 AM, Blogger Katie said...

Dear Ms. Lori, I hope you and your children get well soon!

At 1:42 PM, Blogger P.J.Backman said...

Ah Meeees'd Yoo! :) Welcome back. Sorry to hear that 2005 is starting of as craptastic as 2004, which I agree was a banner shitty year. I too am not seeing any signs of a break in the weather.

Soon I will be a hobo and renounced all worldly posessions and social connections. Gadget and I will ride the rails playing Go Fish for cigarettes on Union Pacific boxcars headed for the west coast. ;)

At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so sorry to laugh at your expense, but the visual of a gremlin wearing a hat made of feces caused me to burst out loud/ what a great image. 'course, it could be the inhumanly large comsopolitan talking.....but in all sincerity I do hope that you will all feel better (and that the blogging will continue on its regular pace) soon. windreader

At 11:20 PM, Blogger Jeni said...

awww, so sorry Ms. Lori. Who is this mysterious Mr. Hoo or whatever his name is and have you figured out a way to hunt him down yet? If you find him, let me know and I'll gladly come help you toilet paper his house.

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Thanks, guys!

One interesting thing about this flu -- I'm down to between zero and four or five cigarettes a day. Was a two pack a day smoker, man. Wow. I feel shitty, yet it's a *good* kind of shitty...


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