One Whipped Mother

Things That Make You Go Ewwww

Bush's disembodied head courtesy of my fellow hater, T.M. Wright.

I thank you, Terry, for this hideous monstrosity.

Things that make me go Ewwww #2: Ashley (or is that "Ashleeeee"?) Simpson. Lord All Mighty, I pray for strength, I beg thee for the ability to understand, to be patient, to not have a brain aneurysm. Amen.

#3: Nail fungus commercials. If I am subjected to one more revolting cartoon of toenail-lurking fungi that sound disturbingly like Jackie Gleason, I may just die.

#4: "Bears shitting in the woods" toilet paper commercials. The bears are cute, I'll give them that, but the ecstatic expressions on their faces as they wipe their nasty bear asses makes me feel ill. Then, to add insult to injury, they happily hand over the T.P. -- WITHOUT WASHING THEIR PAWS FIRST -- to the next bear in line. I can't even believe that. This one deserves a ten on my scale of Ewwww.

#5: Kinky women's products commercials. To our left we have the "bladeless razor," which, as the commercial shows in all its glorious kink, is safe enough for your boyfriend to use on you while you are helplessly blindfolded, legs spread wide as he makes hacking and slashing motions with razor. According to the advertisement, this action will send your man into a vampiric frenzy, thus tackling you to the bed and sinking his fangs into your neck. It is implied that the both of you will then live in undead bliss for all eternity.

To our right we have shampoo that promises to bring women to unnaturally achieved orgasm, no matter if it's in public or not. In fact, it's apparent that the more people around, the better. And if said shampoo cum orgasm-maker frightens and intimidates the obviously impotent men in our lives, all the better. Perfect for the exhibitionist, sadistic whore in all of us.

#6: Michael Jackson. Ew. This is all I have to say, because if I think on that subject for one more minute, my head will shoot off my neck like a rocket then orbit earth like some gruesome satellite, and I really don't want to do that to my family.

posted by Ms. Lori @ 8:39 AM