Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Things That Make You Go Ewwww

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Bush's disembodied head courtesy of my fellow hater, T.M. Wright.

I thank you, Terry, for this hideous monstrosity.

Things that make me go Ewwww #2: Ashley (or is that "Ashleeeee"?) Simpson. Lord All Mighty, I pray for strength, I beg thee for the ability to understand, to be patient, to not have a brain aneurysm. Amen.

#3: Nail fungus commercials. If I am subjected to one more revolting cartoon of toenail-lurking fungi that sound disturbingly like Jackie Gleason, I may just die.

#4: "Bears shitting in the woods" toilet paper commercials. The bears are cute, I'll give them that, but the ecstatic expressions on their faces as they wipe their nasty bear asses makes me feel ill. Then, to add insult to injury, they happily hand over the T.P. -- WITHOUT WASHING THEIR PAWS FIRST -- to the next bear in line. I can't even believe that. This one deserves a ten on my scale of Ewwww.

#5: Kinky women's products commercials. To our left we have the "bladeless razor," which, as the commercial shows in all its glorious kink, is safe enough for your boyfriend to use on you while you are helplessly blindfolded, legs spread wide as he makes hacking and slashing motions with razor. According to the advertisement, this action will send your man into a vampiric frenzy, thus tackling you to the bed and sinking his fangs into your neck. It is implied that the both of you will then live in undead bliss for all eternity.

To our right we have shampoo that promises to bring women to unnaturally achieved orgasm, no matter if it's in public or not. In fact, it's apparent that the more people around, the better. And if said shampoo cum orgasm-maker frightens and intimidates the obviously impotent men in our lives, all the better. Perfect for the exhibitionist, sadistic whore in all of us.

#6: Michael Jackson. Ew. This is all I have to say, because if I think on that subject for one more minute, my head will shoot off my neck like a rocket then orbit earth like some gruesome satellite, and I really don't want to do that to my family.

3 Comments:

At 10:15 AM, Blogger keef said...

I hate those commercials with the ass-wiping bears as well. I hate the way their heads sink down into their bodies so that you know the exact precise moment that the oh-so-soft tp comes into contact with their assholes. I didn't think about the implications of non-washing, though-- and if you think about it, the way that bears wash their hands is by licking them, which is even grosser than not washing them. I think the censors just didn't want to make people vomit. Since I think it is funny, I will now write a little script for such a commercial.

FADE IN
EXT FOREST, DAY
(a BEAR lopes through the forest. He spies a ROLL OF TP hanging from a LOW STRAIGHT BRANCH.)

BEAR:
Uhhhhhh?

CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP BEAR FACE
(the BEAR HEAD sinks down low into the BEAR'S TORSO so that we KNOW when the BEAR wipes his ASS)

BEAR:
Aahhhhhhh!

CUT TO:
CLOSE-UP BEAR HEAD AND PAWS
(the BEAR licks CHOCOLATE off of his PAWS.)

CUT TO:
PRODUCT LOGO, JINGLE
CHA-CHA-CHA-CHARMIN!

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Oh, God, dude. DUDE! Duuuuuuuuuude!

You make me laugh so freaking hard.

 
At 10:04 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

Imagine Michael Jackson when he's 90. And then when he buys somebody's body and has his brain installed in it.

 

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