Friday, August 13, 2004

Maiden Voyage Into the Sea of Humiliation and Big, Scary Monsters

I first went online in 1999 after a good friend, disgusted with my computerless ass, gave me her old HP. Grateful though I was, that humming, whirring box of hell intimidated me with its beeps and horrible lights, its terrifying dial-up squeals, caused my stomach to knot and make weird screaming noises . I trembled, sat frozen on the edge of my bed, palms sweating, unwilling to touch the devil's hand, a.k.a., mouse. My friend was patient. "Jesus Christ, woman," she said, "stop with your Amish tendencies already. Sit. Relax. Play around a bit." She patted my hand a tad too roughly. Well, it was a slap, really. She can be kind of mean sometimes. "Do it now," she said, her eyes glowing in that special way only minions of the Dark Father have.

So I did it, mainly because my friend was beginning to freak me out, especially when the green wormy things squirmed from her nostrils and lit from her face on gossamer wings, then flew around my bedroom for awhile before spontaneously combusting into tiny poofs of green smoke that smelled of eggroll and wet dog. That sucked. Frightening as the computer was to me, it had nothing on my friend. So I did it. I clasped hands with Satan's that day and I haven't let go since.

Yet my fears continue. I am afraid of blogging, afraid of showing the world what an ass I am. I am an ass, yes, but an ass with pride, an ass who is intensely private, a secret ass, egotistical, an ass with delusions of grandeur; I believe that I am the biggest ass in the universe, the Chosen Ass. I fear that I may soon regret these very public revelations, but most of all, I fear that you will, too.


At 3:41 PM, Blogger said...

Welcome aboard, Lori, and know that you should feel right at home here. Most bloggers are also asses.

At 1:23 PM, Blogger Grammarian said...

Hey, there are only two kinds of bloggers: asses and sexy asses.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Z*lda said...

It's so easy to slip into the deceptive notion that the Internet is a safe place. Really, it's no more safe than the regular world, so you're right to be cautious. I think that it's good that you've perceived from the very beginning that what you post on your weblog is PUBLIC.

No, your real-life geographical neighbors may never stumble across [and judge] your online self. But it is protective to be cautious. So many people make the mistake of blurting out the inner juicy details of their private lives because the Internet can sometimes feel like a great void. Traffic is sometimes a matter of chance and luck.
I make it a policy never to name names or give out identifying details, or even post pictures of the kids.

Then again, the Internet is better than the real world in some ways because those of us who are more literary and wordy are at home here, and less likely to be judged by outside appearances....

At 11:30 AM, Blogger Ms. Lori said...

Hey, I only just discovered these comments! Didn't bother to look for them considering I'm such an unpopular ass. And secretive. So far, I've only told two friends about this blog.

Thanks, TL. You da man. And an ass. You're the Man Ass!

As for you, Grammarian, there are in fact *three* ass types, the third being "Falls Somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum, Fears Yet Enjoys Making a Public Spectacle of Herself Ass." In other words, a Weird, Contradictory Ass.

Hi Zelda,

Thanks for your comments -- validates my fear, it does. But I'm having a good time nonetheless. A *cautious* good time.


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